Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag — the unapologetic villains of “The Hills” and arguably the most shameless famewhores of the 21st century — were ubiquitous in the gossip news cycle until America’s collective revulsion finally rendered them obsolete. Now, in a lengthy and revealing interview with The Daily Beast, they recognize making mistakes in their intertwined careers and personal lives. The whole thing is worth reading, but here’s the crux of it:

They’re broke and living at Spencer’s parents’ beach house in Santa Barbara because of the free rent; Heidi’s body and face are forever changed from plastic surgeries she now wishes she had not gotten; their relationships with friends and family are severely damaged; and they have found themselves largely unemployable, both on camera and off.

Other revelations: “Reality TV is not a career” (Spencer); the couple spent $2 million on Heidi’s hilariously terrible attempt at a music career; Spencer estimates he spent $1 million on clothes he wore once and threw away (“I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props”); and much of the drama between them — not just for the cameras, but in their lives — was faked (they’ve never broken up).

All in all, The Daily Beast article paints a fairly sympathetic picture of them — two young people caught up in the notion of fame, used by a TV network and a celebrity culture all too happy to exploit their naïveté. I actually felt a little bit of pity for them. Then I did an image search for “spencer pratt heidi montag,” and I remembered, “Oh right, these people are AWFUL.” A rent-free beach house in Santa Barabara? F**K YOU. I’ll feel a tiny modicum of respect for them when they pay for a lousy apartment in a crappy neighborhood with money they earned doing construction work or busing tables, because that’s what NON-entitled assh*les do.

Pictured here are Ashley Dupre, Heidi Montag, and Danielle Staub, who were photographed with Jake Pavelka in Los Angeles as cameras filmed them earlier this week. The photos sparked rumors that the Four Whores of the Apocalypse would soon ride across a barren TV hellscape with a new reality show, and I’m sad to share the news that the rumors are true. Thanks for nothing, VH1.

Jake Pavelka, Danielle Staub, Heidi Montag and other reality alumni are all going into the food business together for an upcoming series that places some big personalities under heavy pressure, PEOPLE has learned.

“They are revamping a restaurant from the ground up,” says a source on the set of the new reality series, slated to air on VH1. “They started shooting this past weekend.”

Ugh, I loathe these people with every fiber of my being. The only way these moronic jackasses could possibly have a successful restaurant is if they got a nice corner location and called it The Oldest Trade. And instead of a restaurant it was a whorehouse. And even then you’d need to keep Danielle Staub hidden behind something opaque.

Oh man oh God oh man Oh God oh man. Good news, everybody. GREAT news. Heidi and Spencer Pratt are filing for bankruptcy. They’ve lost everything. What a terrific day this is. I can’t remember ever being so happy.

The cash-strapped couple have reportedly squandered their combined $10 million fortune on living a lavish lifestyle, which included the use of private jets and six cars.

A further $3 million was wasted on the surgery-obsessed blonde’s failed music career, while renting a home in Malibu, California, set the pair back $35,000 a month, and Heidi’s bout of ten cosmetic procedures in 2009 is believed to have cost the duo – who recently rekindled their romance after parting ways in April – tens of thousands of dollars.

Additionally, Heidi and Spencer are now faced with a $2 million tax bill, which they are unable to pay.

The couple are now living in a studio apartment in the grounds of Spencer’s parents’ home. He said: “I feel like I’m 14 years old again. My parents are my lifeline.” [Contact Music via Best Week Ever]

Oh God, that was fantastic. Was it good for you, too? I could go for a cigarette right now. Right after I get cleaned up.

Heidi Montag in 2007 and 2010

The New York Times claims that Hollywood casting directors are giving more and more roles to Brits and Aussies — not because their sexy accents turn them on, but because the plastic surgery many American actresses have makes them too much alike. From the article:

“I think everyone either looks like a drag queen or a stripper,” said Marcia Shulman, who oversees casting for Fox’s scripted shows.

Independent casting directors like Mindy Marin, who worked on the Jason Reitman film “Up in the Air,” are urging talent agents to discourage clients from having surgery, particularly older celebrities who, she contends, are losing jobs because their skin is either too taut or swollen with filler. Said Ms. Marin: “What I want to see is real.” [...]

“The era of ‘I look great because I did this to myself’ has passed,” said Shawn Levy, the director and producer of “Date Night” and the “Night at the Museum” movies. “It is viewed as ridiculous. Ten years ago, actresses had the feeling that they had to get plastic surgery to get the part. Now I think it works against them. To walk into a casting session looking false hurts one’s chances.”

I can’t stand the botox trend and collagen and all that crap, but I’d hate for breast implants to get lumped in with all the other plastic surgery. Someone needs to stand up for fake tits (even though they stand up pretty well on their own). Seriously, nose jobs and facial injections are acts of vanity, but breast implants are a community service.

Heidi Montag — or Heidi Pratt, or Heidi Retard-Pratt, I’m not sure which she’s going with these days — followed up the TEN cosmetic surgeries she underwent in November with the wildly successful release of her new album, the appropriately titled Superficial. In fact, the album was downloaded a whopping 658 times in its first week! It’s already gone gold! What’s that? Oh. I’m being told that “gold” is 500 thousand in sales, not 500. Okay, so it’s not platinum, and it’s not gold. What about tin? Rusty tin?

[Montag] told Entertainment Weekly last week that she went broke making Superficial but thought that “within the first week, we will definitely make our money back.”

She told EW, “I put every dollar I have into this. I’ve spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It’s cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality… The songs will make an impact in pop history.” [Us]

I want to take joy in her going broke, but that was probably just typical hyperbole lying from this attention-craving oxygen thief. She also told Billy Bush that she almost died during her surgery, which her doctor denied. Go ahead, watch that clip of her talking to Bush. It lends credence to the theory that dolphins are more intelligent than humans.