Believe me, I don’t like writing Speidi news any more than you like reading it, and I wouldn’t be writing about them at all if this didn’t involve naked tits.  As previously rumored, Heidi Montag — whom I’m going to keep calling Montag because she’s only going to be Heidi Pratt until they get a divorce to get back in the headlines a couple years from now — has confirmed that she posed nude for the September issue of Playboy.  There’s not much else to write about this, as Brendon from WWTDD said what we all already know:

Heidi is one of those girls you can picture naked right now. Skinny, pale, big fake tits with nipples that point out to the side a little because she was too small to go as big as she did. There. That was free.

And yet, we’re all going to look at the naked pictures anyway.  It doesn’t matter that her hair’s fake and her nose is fake and her tits are fake, a woman gets naked and we look.  I’ll give Heidi this, though: she’s got a hot little ass.  I would almost be turned on by it if I didn’t know that this had already been there.

I do my best to steer clear of Spencer-and-Heidi news around here, but this weekend there was a tabloid firestorm as the former Miss Montag was rushed from the “I’m a Celebrity…” set to a Costa Rican hospital, where doctors unfortunately saved her life.  TMZ says:

We’ve learned Heidi was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a gastric ulcer, after being held with hubby Spencer Pratt in a dark room for a day and a night with only water, rice and beans. It was designed as punishment because they left the show. One cast member described their treatment this way: “It’s the same as Guantanamo Bay.”

That cast member: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

And get this … a cast member tells us NBC execs tried to convince Heidi to stay on the set rather than take an ambulance to a hospital for treatment. She has now left the hospital and is on meds.  We’re told some of the cast members want to quit, but their passports have been taken away and they are under guard.

Oh no.  NBC is mistreating our celebrities.  Our precious D-list fame-whoring celebrities.  Won’t someone do something.  There should be a, uh, petition?  Yeah, someone should start one of those.  **turns on TV, falls asleep to infomercial**

(NOTE: I pasted the banner image into Photoshop and — no lie — the application quit and closed.)

So, this happened.  And, surprisingly enough, the world hasn’t ended.  Yet.  (I suppose we’ll have to wait until Heidi gives birth to their first son, Damien.)  Anyway, there’s a whole slew of photos at OK!, but they WILL make you physically ill, so let’s just get on with the blockquote:

The Heidi Montag-Spencer Pratt wedding took place in front of family and friends, including co-stars Audrina Patridge, Brody Jenner and Justin-Bobby. A reception followed at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. Never ones to keep their lives private, the event will be featured on the season finale of The Hills.

We can only hope the MTV crews kept the tape rolling in the honeymoon suite. A Spencer-Heidi wedding night sex tape would be simply perfect. [The Hollywood Gossip]

Indeed, there’s no news yet about a sex tape, but I’m proud to announce that Warming Glow has EXCLUSIVE PICTURES FROM THE WEDDING NIGHT!!!  Weird, most honeymoon suites don’t have bamboo forests.  Did they sneak off to the zoo?

The 8th Plague of Revelation: a Speidi wedding

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are supposedly getting married this weekend, and they’ll also be starring in NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” this summer.  So: sorry, they’re not going anywhere.  However, they just filmed some promos for “Celebrity” in which they were suspended in harnesses in front of a green screen (photos at Just Jared), and Videogum has sagely put out the call to use these for Photoshop re-imaginings.

I regret that one of these — the Vietnamese execution — was executed in the Videogum comments, but the rest of the Photoshops come from yours truly.  Check back later, as I’ll continue to add new images.  Since this is basically all I want to do with the rest of my life.  Just Photoshop jackasses into stupid pictures.  It’s not much of a consolation, but it’s slightly more legal than firebombing the wedding ceremony.