Monday night’s much talked about lesbian kiss on “Heroes” did little to help its ratings, as the NBC drama sputtered to another last-place finish for its time slot. From TV Guide:

Hayden Panettiere and Madeline Zima’s same-sex lip-lock might have titillated fanboys, but the buzzed-about kiss did not draw in many new Heroes viewers.

The NBC superhero drama pulled in 5.6 million viewers, staying flat from last week and finishing fourth in the 8/7c timeslot behind Dancing with the Stars (16.1 million viewers), House (12.1 million viewers) and a How I Met Your Mother-Accidentally on Purpose combo (8.6 million and 7.8 million viewers, respectively).

You may have noticed that the banner image is Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz getting it on in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, not the weak-ass “Heroes” kiss. THAT is how you get ratings with lesbianism, people. In fact, Scarlett and Penelope making out should be a  daily TV show. You’d break ratings records. It could only be 30 minutes, though — any longer and people’s eyes would dry out from not blinking.

Heroes (NBC) — Claire’s roommate has been stalking her… but only because she wants to scissor that tight little body. I didn’t realize Claire was a student at Smith. (Thus completes “Heroes’” downward spiral into irrelevance.)

Gone Too Far (MTV) — Series premiere. This is the reality show where DJ AM offered his help to people struggling with addiction before he died from his struggles with addiction. In a related story, your retarded cousin is struggling with addition.

Little People, Big World (TLC) — Season premiere. Only on cable’s top-rated network for people with genetic defects!

The Big Bang Theory (CBS) — Oh man, nerds are so awkward! Ha ha, good one Jay.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — It’s a shame Tom DeLay had to withdraw. It would have been so much more moving if he had competed with the stress fractures in his feet, then required surgery, then developed gangrene, which resulted in a series of progressive amputations that left him a legless self-loathing cripple.

Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Jets at Dolphins. I had never liked the Jets before, now they’re my second-favorite team solely because of the Rex Ryan character at Kissing Suzy Kolber. If you don’t join me at the KSK live-blog tonight, THAT’S DISRESPECT!

CSI: Miami (CBS) — An investor who stole people’s money turns up dead in a toilet. “Looks like someone — *sunglasses* — dropped their friend off at the pool.” YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

NBC has just released this promotional still from next Monday’s episode of “Heroes,” in which Claire (Hayden Panettiere) waterskis over a shark kisses Gretchen, played by Madeline Zima (Zima: it’s not just for getting teenagers drunk any more). Finally. I don’t watch “Heroes” and don’t find Hayden particularly attractive, and yet somehow, this has been a story since June.

In other sexually adventurous news, the November 9th episode of “Gossip Girl” will feature a threesome. Not exactly life-changing news unless it’s me with Leighton Meester and Blake Lively, but you absolutely HAVE to read the way that Michael Ausiello broke the news:

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Here’s the trailer for season 4 of “Heroes” (via).  It’s slightly changed from the one that debuted at Comic-Con in that NBC cut out Hayden Panettiere’s lesbian kiss.  In other words, it’s completely useless to me.

Anyway, watch it at your own leisure.  Highlights: The bad guy from “Prison Break”!  Villains joining forces!  Ali Larter almost naked!  Hayden’s face bleeding!  The Asian dude!  Uhhhh… some kind of carnival!

I guess it’s kind of obvious I’ve never seen this show before, huh?  Sorry, I don’t watch shows about people with special powers unless there are dudes in tights.

Like “The O.C.” and “Desperate Housewives” before it, “Heroes” may resort to having two female characters kiss in a last-ditch effort to generate buzz about a dying show.  Last week, news broke that with Claire (Hayden Panettiere) going off to college, she’s going to get a roommate.  A sexy roommate.

Days after “Californication” co-star Madeline Zima was cast to play Claire Bennet’s (Hayden Panettiere) college roommate Gretchen in a multiepisode arc, Claire got herself yet another roommate.

“Days of Our Lives” co-star Rachel Melvin [Ed. Note: RAWR!] has been tapped to guest star and potentially recur on “Heroes” next season, playing Annie, who also will share sleeping quarters (and maybe more) with Claire. [THR]

And by “more” they mean “saliva.”  Listen, I’m all about hot chicks making out on TV, especially if all those studies about TV influencing people are true.  But start putting it in Season 1′s plot lines.  Don’t do it when you’re just obviously trying to get attention.  That’s like two chicks making out at a party.  Whoa, I just made an infinite metaphor loop.  I think I may have stopped time.

[via IGN/BuddyTV]