Death Valley (MTV) — Series premiere. I wrote about this horror-comedy about cops hunting zombies/vampires/werewolves back when the comely Tania Raymonde and Caity Lotz were cast, and judging from some of the clips I’ve seen, I have to admit that this doesn’t look terrible (watch the trailer below). Even the hoity-toity New York Times said it was okay. Way to exceed my nonexistent expectations, MTV.

Ridiculousness (MTV) — Series premiere. Basically, MTV took “Tosh.0″ and replaced “talented comedian host” with “obnoxious skateboarder” (Rob Dyrdek). I have come to expect nothing less of MTV.

Cuff’d (MTV) — Series premiere. Think of it as “Taxicab Confessions,” except with arrested teenagers instead of people riding in cabs. I like the idea of teenagers being arrested, but I’d like it better if it included a little police brutality. Especially if the teenagers are doing something especially offensive, like loitering or wearing their hair long.

Carfellas (Discovery) — Series premiere. Ex-convicts try to sell cars. Great, because car salesmen have such a great reputation for their ironclad morals.

Basketball Wives LA (VH1) — Series premiere. The show features Jackie Christie — notorious for keeping husband Doug’s testicles in her purse — which may be all the information I need to give this a little of my attention.

Hoarders (A&E) — Season finale. Season 4 ends with some of the most memorable cases, including the skin-crawling case of Glen, the guy who moved into an adjacent shed because his house was taken over by the thousands of rats he hoarded.

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Hoarders (A&E) — Season premiere. Tonight’s subject is doll-hoarder Phyllis, and dolls have to be one of the most terrifying things to hoard. Like, the rat-hoarding episode definitely gave me the creeps, but there’s something antiseptic and unsettling about rooms filled with thousands of dolls. All those dead eyes. (image from a previous doll-hoarding episode) Also premiering on A&E: a new season of Intervention.

Nurse Jackie (Showtime) — Season finale. Jackie dodges a drug test and forgets a wedding cake. That actually sounds like a stereotypical-yet-funny premise for a sitcom episode, but don’t worry: Showtime will bleed most the fun out of it.

Countdown (Current TV) — Premiere. Keith Olbermann is back on TV, kind of. Is Current really a channel?

The Bachelorette (ABC) — The adventures in Thailand continue, with eight of the 11 remaining contestants having to face off in a Muay Thai tournament. Now THAT’S a good reality show: a martial arts tournament in which the champion is given a woman to fornicate with.

United States of Tara (Showtime) — Series finale. We may have won this battle against Diablo Cody, but the war is not yet over.

Rebuilding Titanic (NatGeo) — Shipbuilders attempt to rebuild exact replicas of parts of the Titanic using only the methods available when the original ship was built. You won’t find anything more pointlessly elaborate and boring on television tonight.

Tonight’s season finale of “Hoarders” features a man named Glen who has a hoard of rats. From a skin-crawling press release (with bonus skin-crawling video below):

Glen has a collection of 2500 [!!!! -Ed.] free-roaming rats which have hoarded him out of his home and into a shed on his property. Originally bred as pets, the rat collection spun out of control upon the death of his wife.

Glen in a separate preview for the episode:

“I readily admit that I have way too many rats.”

Umm, yeah. That’s generally a safe statement when your rat infestation forces you to abandon your house and move into a shed. “Well, six hundred rats wasn’t too many, but ever since they took over the house, I could probably stand to get rid of a few of them.”

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Hoarders (A&E) — Season 2 premiere. Unlike — and better — than anything on TLC, this is television’s most captivating freak show. From USA Today: “Tonight’s episode features Augustine, whose home is about to be condemned, 14 years after son Jason was removed by child protective services because of health hazards. Now 28, Jason looks on as cat carcasses and Mom’s false teeth are found among 8,000 pounds of trash.”

Pawn Star$ (History) — The good news about this coming back is that it reminded me that I still have three hours of History’s “WWII in HD” to watch on my DVR.

Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Patriots (7-3) at Saints (10-0). Two of the game’s best quarterbacks lead two of the league’s top offenses in what could be one of the more entertaining games of the year. I won’t be at the KSK live-blog, but you should check it out if you’re drinking at home alone. Who will I be cheering for? Wes Welker and John Carney.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (ABC) — I may be old and cynical, but I’ve still got mad love for this animated classic.

The Tonight Show (NBC) — Tonight’s guest: Shatner!

She Survived That… Pregnant? (Discovery Health) — File under: “TV shows that I admire solely for their titles.” Tonight’s accidents, via TV Guide: “a parachuting mishap, a bear encounter, a shooting incident and a fall from a balcony that left a woman impaled on a microphone stand.” You have to admit, that’s pretty metal.

Just as TLC is the go-to channel to watch dwarves and terrible parents, A&E highlights people with problems. And I don’t mean problems like you and I have problems. Not “Oh crap, I had to take a pay cut” or “my girlfriend broke up with me” problems. I mean PROBLEMS.  Get me some italics and boldface PROBLEMS. I mean “This lady on ‘Obsessed’ scrubs her rectum out with a toothbrush for two hours in the shower every time she takes a dump” kind of problems.

But even the crazies on “Obsessed” may have been eclipsed by last night’s episode of “Hoarders.” I didn’t catch the episode myself, but I was alerted by this tweet this morning:

Never have close-ups and zoom-ins on piles of dog hair been more poignant than on this episode of Hoarders. Oh, the dead cats are sad, too.

Yup, Jake is a 21-year-old who hoards garbage and feels like if he throws out the hair his dog sheds then he’s killing his dog. And Shirley — ohhhh, Shirley. Shirley and her husband estimate that they have somewhere between 20 and two dozen animals in their house, but it’s impossible to count them all because of the MOUNTAINS OF FILTH AND CAT SKELETONS in which they live.

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