I hate the Sh*t X Say meme as much as the next guy who isn’t a Jamaican using the drive-thru. I thought it had reached its logical conclusion with “Sh*t Seattle People Say When It Snows Part 3,” a.k.a. The Trilogy (sorry, Randal), but I was wrong. Foolish. Naive, even.

The perfect endpoint is “Shit Tim Allen Says,” or more accurately, “Shit Tim Taylor Says.”

It’s brilliant, a response to the fact that no one’s actually saying anything in the Sh*t videos. They’re just a series of observational non-jokes that even Carlos Mencia wouldn’t steal (probably). “I ALSO hate it when that stoplight never changes to green when it’s below 50 degrees on the third Tuesday of every May outside of that bar that means something to me, but NOTHING to anyone else.” It’s the lowest form of comedy – not unlike Tim Taylor’s “Home Improvement” he-man grunts and UHHHHHNNNNs. Though if you play them all in a row backwards, you’ll hear an amazing short story about women’s suffrage, Balki from “Perfect Strangers,” and power tools.

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Oh, this is a real treat. Pleated Jeans has put together a supercut of Very Special Episodes from the ’80s and ’90s. I have no idea why Very Special Episodes ever came to prominence, but they’re certainly hilarious in retrospect. Obviously, the most famous scene is Jessie’s meltdown after she gets hooked on caffeine pills in “Saved by the Bell,” but there are some other gems here, including:

• Future two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks as the drunk uncle on “Family Ties.”
• Donna getting thrown down the stairs by her abusive boyfriend on “90210″ (2:30 mark, FYI).
• The episode of “Punky Brewster” where Cherie hides in the refrigerator and almost dies from asphyxiation. Man, I’d forgotten all about that episode! I definitely made sure to never hide in refrigerators after that episode.

Anyway, be sure to watch the whole thing, and be sad all over again when Steve Urkel doesn’t fall to his death.

What "Home Improvement" always needed: more dinosaurs and chainsaws

Because I obviously have nothing better to do with my life, I spent a good chunk of yesterday browsing through the Wikipedia page for “Home Improvement,” Tim Allen’s grunt of a series that ran over 200 episodes. This Saturday, the 17th, is the 20th anniversary of the show’s first episode, “Pilot,” but that wasn’t my favorite Wikipedia-found fact; it was remembering Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit!, a video game supposedly based on the series. And by “supposedly based,” I mean it had absolutely NOTHING to do with “Home Improvement.” You don’t even see Wilson Wilson, Jr., and he’s the show’s only good character!

On the next few pages, you’ll find six video games “based” on TV shows, including more about Power Tool Pursuit, where the Tool Man fights dinosaurs. With flamethrowers and nail guns. In jeans.

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September 8th marks the birthday of several unexciting people of middling importance: musicians Pink and Aimee Mann, more talented musician Neko Case, aging cheesecake Brooke Burke, your favorite TV blogger, and perhaps least important of all, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Thomas, the former child star and Tiger Beat cover model, turns 30 today, and these recent photos from “Home Improvement’s” 20-year reunion show why he never made the jump to adult star: he never made the jump to adult height. But at least he looks better than the dude who played the youngest kid. Total child molester look to him.

(The guy who played Brad looks like a bearded Drew Magary, btw.)

[via D Listed]

It’s 1:00 p.m. Eastern time on a Friday, which means it’s almost time for people in Hollywood to wake up and provide some actual television news. Until then, enjoy this marvelous screen cap sent in by heroic reader Mike, who bravely endured an episode of “Home Improvement” to get us this dose of 8th grade humor. We shall honor your laughless half hour with phallus-related name jokes, Mike. Your suffering was not in vain!