In case you’d forgotten, last month Charlie Sheen hired a porn star escort to have sex with him, then he did a bunch of cocaine, threatened her, and trashed his room in the Plaza Hotel — all of which he admitted to police. But apparently hiring prostitutes and doing drugs isn’t illegal, because the NYPD isn’t going to file any criminal charges.

“There have been no arrests. That case is closed,” said an NYPD spokesman.

Police began probing the incident after Sheen’s escort for the evening, porn star Capri Anderson, filed a criminal complaint claiming she was the victim of assault and harassment. She alleged that 45-year-old thesp got drunk and began yelling and throwing furniture, prompting her to lock herself in the bathroom.

According to an NYPD insider, the fact that his Plaza pal waited a full month to file the police report and said at the scene that she was never in any physical danger was a big factor in declining to refer the case to prosecutors. [E Online]

I’m sure that porn star hookers aren’t the ideal plaintiffs, but… really? He told police he’d been using cocaine. Is that not a crime any more? Like, not even a ticket? See, this is why I endorse vigilantism.

Here’s Annie Lobert of Investigation Discovery’s “Hookers: Saved on the Strip” talking about important terminology for aspiring pimps and hoes. A former prostitute who has moved on to found Hookers for Jesus, Lobert can get awfully preachy for someone still rocking the blonde-on-top/brunette-underneath that was the most popular hairstyle of 2004 for skanks in the 909.

For additional ex-hooker piety, check out the video below, in which Lobert says that porn is a gateway drug to using prostitutes.

“When I was an escort, more than half my clients were porn addicts. And usually what would happen is they would have a movie playing when I walked in, and they would have several movies, toys, everything, that would go along with the movie, and they’d say to me, ‘I want you to do THAT.’”

Well, golly. You mean horny losers who can’t pick up a woman and want to pay for sex also watch porn? Listen lady, you can use Jesus to save all the hookers you want, but I won’t stand by while you besmirch the good name of pornography.

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"Here, take this cat."

Mythbusters (Discovery) — President Barack Obama asks the MythBusters to show Luke Scott and other birthers his birth certificate. No, not really: he has them use a bunch of kids to test one of the legends about Archimedes.

Hookers: Saved on the Strip (ID) — As noted by a commenter when we first learned about this show, a far superior program would be “Hookers: Shaved on the Strip.”

The Eight-Limbed Boy (TLC) — As usual, Drew Magary gets to the good jokes first: “I would have preferred the title Spiderboy, but you can’t always get what you want. Join TLC as they profile a six-year-old Indian boy who has a parasitic twin.”

Top Chef (Bravo) — Joe Jonas serves as a guest judge. What the hell does Jonas know about taste? Well, he HAS nailed Demi Lovato and Ashley Greene.

Ghost Hunters (Syfy) — Season finale. For the 126th consecutive episode, the ghost hunters find no real evidence of ghosts, because ghosts don’t exist. I can’t wait for Season 7!

Here’s a promo for “Hookers: Saved on the Strip,” a three-part series coming to Investigation Discovery, which is apparently a cable channel of some sort. In it, former prostitute Annie Lobert reaches out to Las Vegas call girls and tries to save them from the sex trade with the help of her organization, Hookers for Jesus.

With the support of The Church at South Las Vegas and its lead pastor Benny Perez, Annie established the Destiny House, a transitional home that provides a safe, nonjudgmental environment for women sharing a common past and a desire for a brand new start. Hookers: Saved on the Strip chronicles three women who are living at the Destiny House, as Annie assists them with rebuilding, reorganizing, and reestablishing their lives. [ID]

Actually, it sounds kind of heartwarming. I can’t wait for Katherine Heigl to star in the Lifetime original movie version of this four years from now.

[via Best Week Ever]

Charlie Sheen has spent the last two decades being a violent drug-fueled menace to women, but the way he sees it, if police show up while he’s naked and trashing a hotel room with a high-priced prostitute locked in the bathroom, well, gee, that’s just an average guy having one bad night. Chill out, everybody.

“If a guy has one bad night everybody goes insane and panics… I’m not panicking,” Sheen said.

That’s right, it’s the hooker’s job to go insane and panic.

Still missing his rare Patek Philippe 5970 watch worth $150,000 that he claims he lost the night of the incident, the actor didn’t seem to be too upset. “The way I look at it, if you have expensive tastes, you gotta be prepared for expensive losses.”

“Listen, I like really expensive whores. Eventually, some of them are gonna go missing. Wait, did I say whores? I meant watches. And whores.”