The only Portuguese I know is “Que linda!,” which I learned by osmosis while scrolling through F Yeah Brazilian Girls (NSFW). But I don’t need to speak Portuguese to understand this clip of a horse taking a dump on a children’s show on Brazilian network SBT. The high-pitched wave of shock and titillation that results from a stream of horse turds is the same across all tongues. Some people say that love is the international language; I say it’s horsesh*t.

(VIA; thanks for the tip, RoboPanda!)

The History Channel is presently casting for a show called “Full Metal Joust,” a reality competition that will take accomplished horse riders and see who can be the best jouster. It’s just as timely and relevant as taking a bunch of engineers and seeing who can build the best trebuchet. Wait, no. The trebuchet thing is cooler.

If you are a skilled horseback rider and have the heart of a warrior, then you might have what it takes to become America’s first Full Metal Jouster and win the $100,000 grand prize.

This hard-hitting competition will recreate the raw, crushing force of 13th Century jousting battles by arming 16 fierce competitors with lances, 200 pounds of armor and a 2,000-pound war horse — all charging through an arena with one goal in mind… to become champion. [US Eventing]

Alternate title: “America’s Next Top Ren Faire Hero.” Sounds crappy, but I’ll watch on one condition: every episode ends with a loser decapitating his horse.

(thanks for the tip, Mo Charlo)

Earlier this season on “Parks and Recreation,” the people of Pawnee showed boundless enthusiasm for Li’lSebastian, a miniature horse with an honorary degree from Notre Dame (S3E7, “Harvest Festival” — inset). But Li’l Sebastian may have met his match in Einstein, the smallest stallion in the world (after Joe Pesci).

Above is video of Einstein playing with an oversize soccer ball and some barnyard friends (via BuzzFeed), with more information about him and his book below. Maybe it’s sacrilege to “Parks and Rec” fans, but I gotta give the edge to Einstein. Sorry, but Notre Dame is way overrated in everything from football to academics. Add “honorary horse degrees” to that list.

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The video below is a featurette for HBO’s forthcoming series “Luck,” which follows the various aspects of the horse racing community. The cast is great: Dustin Hoffman plays the rich mob dude pulling strings, a bearded Nick Nolte is the washed-up old trainer, and various young up-and-comers play the jockeys, gambling addicts, and chicks taking their shirts off because it’s HBO.

The only downside is that the show is about stupid-ass horses. Man, do I hate horses. And I hate people who love horses. “Oh, they’re such beautiful animals!” Beautiful animals who get scared by paper flapping and will cleave your head in two with the pieces of metal nailed to their feet because they can’t walk around without hurting themselves. Ugh. Horses are assh*les.

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When I was in middle school, every day at lunch the boys in 7th grade would play the 8th graders in a game of soccer. Except it wasn’t really soccer. It was just 30 minutes of the 8th graders tripping 7th graders. There was no referee or anything resembling adult supervision, and I’m not really sure why the 7th graders went through with it every day.

That’s what April 1st on the Internet feels like. You show up for the soccer game of information and entertainment from your favorite websites, and the A-holes just want to trip you.

Well, it sucks and I hate and I won’t do it. Instead, even though I may hate horses, Warming Glow is having April Foals Day. No chicanery, just baby horses. Enjoy.