I do my best to steer clear of Spencer-and-Heidi news around here, but this weekend there was a tabloid firestorm as the former Miss Montag was rushed from the “I’m a Celebrity…” set to a Costa Rican hospital, where doctors unfortunately saved her life.  TMZ says:

We’ve learned Heidi was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a gastric ulcer, after being held with hubby Spencer Pratt in a dark room for a day and a night with only water, rice and beans. It was designed as punishment because they left the show. One cast member described their treatment this way: “It’s the same as Guantanamo Bay.”

That cast member: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

And get this … a cast member tells us NBC execs tried to convince Heidi to stay on the set rather than take an ambulance to a hospital for treatment. She has now left the hospital and is on meds.  We’re told some of the cast members want to quit, but their passports have been taken away and they are under guard.

Oh no.  NBC is mistreating our celebrities.  Our precious D-list fame-whoring celebrities.  Won’t someone do something.  There should be a, uh, petition?  Yeah, someone should start one of those.  **turns on TV, falls asleep to infomercial**

(NOTE: I pasted the banner image into Photoshop and — no lie — the application quit and closed.)

Next Monday marks the premiere of NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!,” a reality show that will pit some of the most vile quasi-celebrities on the planet — the roster includes Heidi and Spencer Pratt, Janice Dickinson, Sanjaya from “American Idol,” and Stephen Baldwin, among others — against each other in the unforgiving environment of the Costa Rican jungle.

Will it be worth it to see people we hate in miserable conditions?  Does schadenfreude make good television?  It seems the pampered stars won’t be getting many frills:

The day before flying out to the jungles of Costa Rica, Stephen Baldwin – on his way to getting last minute vaccination shots – [revealed] what he and the other celebrity contestants are allowed to bring with them: Three pairs of socks and three pairs of underwear. “That’s it and that’s no joke,” the youngest Baldwin brother says. [NY Post]

I really think I could hate-watch it in small doses.  I’ll be pulling for Baldwin to win.  Baldwin, or yellow fever.

(By the way, Spencer is still reportedly going, even though he failed his medical exam: “Show bosses sent “The Hills” star to a Los Angeles hospital for further tests, after discovering problems with his blood.”  What could it be?  Acid that burns through walls?  A mysterious black, tar-like substance?  100% douchewater?)

If you’re wondering why there are so many extra H’s on the “GUH” in the headline, it’s because Spencer Pratt has recorded a single.  Yes, the same Spencer Pratt from “The Hills” and the upcoming “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here.”  And this is going to surprise you, but the chorus of the song goes “I’m a celebrity/Get me out of here.”  Why, it’s almost like this song is meant to promote his new show!

In the song, Pratt is not shy to express his appreciation for his ‘haters’ rapping, “Countin’ on the haters everyday to keep me goin’, because without the haters, baby, I would be no one.” Pratt goes on to explain, “America hates me, ’cause the media loves me.”

Pratt also flaunts his financial success saying, “MTV made me President Rich,” a claim which is supported by reports that Pratt makes $65,000 per episode, bringing his yearly salary to approximately $1.2 million a year. What does Spencer spend the money on? “You know how the swag goes, Bentleys and Lambos,” he boasts in the song. [source]

Hey, is anyone else’s eyelid twitching?  If that didn’t make you ill enough, you can actually listen to the song here.  I made it through 45 seconds.  My mouth got really dry and I thought I was about to burp up some stomach acid, so I had to stop.  And my skin is still crawling several minutes later.  But other than that it’s really good.

The 8th Plague of Revelation: a Speidi wedding

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are supposedly getting married this weekend, and they’ll also be starring in NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” this summer.  So: sorry, they’re not going anywhere.  However, they just filmed some promos for “Celebrity” in which they were suspended in harnesses in front of a green screen (photos at Just Jared), and Videogum has sagely put out the call to use these for Photoshop re-imaginings.

I regret that one of these — the Vietnamese execution — was executed in the Videogum comments, but the rest of the Photoshops come from yours truly.  Check back later, as I’ll continue to add new images.  Since this is basically all I want to do with the rest of my life.  Just Photoshop jackasses into stupid pictures.  It’s not much of a consolation, but it’s slightly more legal than firebombing the wedding ceremony.