This clip has already been almost everywhere today, but in the interest of Leno-bashing completeness, I feel like we should post it here as well. In it, Letterman and guest Howard Stern discuss the late night wars, and Dave’s complicated relationship with his nemesis. It’s clear neither guy cares too much for Leno, but Letterman does his best to try to remain as diplomatic as he can possibly be considering Leno screwed him out of his dream job and then proceeded to mail said job in for years. Which is to say, he does a funny impression of Jay and high-fives Stern when the newest “America Got Talent” host says he refuses to do “The Tonight Show” even though he’s an NBC employee now. Quite a bit of restraint, all things considered.

One other item of note: I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but sometimes when I do the What’s On Tonight post, I swap out Leno’s name with ones like “Butthead McGoo” or “Chins McFartypants.” This is admittedly not very nice, but then again, neither is going to disturbing lengths to hose two much funnier and more passionate people out a show they both had a pretty good claim to at the time. Turnabout is fair play, Mr. Fartypants.

There are a few news items and updates floating around right now that don’t really require a full post, so I’m going to knock them out here real quick-like. After that, it’s back to your steady diet of funny game show answers and boobs.

Emily Maynard is the new Bachelorette – Two things about this story: 1) They’re making a big deal about her having a 6-year-old kid, making her the first single mom Bachelorette. Now, I have a strict “don’t tell people how to raise their kids unless they put them on TLC” policy, but I will say this: I really wouldn’t have wanted to watch my mom play kissyface on TV with like a million dudes when I was six. Nope. Not at all. 2) When playing up her tough love life, they’ve been equating her fiancé (and child’s father) dying in a plane crash with the fact that she broke up with the one Bachelor dude after the show. Stop that. [ABC]

Tracy Morgan had a weird time at Sundance – The “30 Rock” star passed out, was rushed to the hospital, and left Utah with an oxygen tank due to an adverse reaction to the altitude. Supposedly. The important thing about this story is that “Oxygen Tanks” would be a great headline if Oprah’s channel ever goes bankrupt. Dibs. [TMZ]

Paula Deen’s publicist quit over Deen hawking diabetes medicine – “Although we had a great deal of fun along the way, I could not agree with the new business strategy going forward. Nonetheless, I wish them continued success.” I ran this through my publicist translator, and it spit out “Paula Deen is such a terrible and offensive hypocrite that I’m quitting even though she makes me a sh-tload of money.” I don’t often praise publicists, but kudos to you, ma’am. [NY Post]

Jay Leno’s right to tell lazy, offensive jokes is protected by the First Amendment – So I guess Jay Leno showed a picture of the Golden Temple of Amritsar in India and said it was Mitt Romney’s summer home. HAHA GOOD ONE, JAY! It justifiably made a group of Indian Sikhs kind of upset, but the U.S. State Department came out and said it was protected First Amendment speech, which is true. Here ends the saga of Latenight McFartypants and the Bill of Rights. [BBC]

Thank you for bearing with me. Here is a picture of a cupcake with a peanut butter cup and an Oreo stuffed in it.

Links via TV Tattle, cupcake via Buzzfeed

“Hey, did you hear about this? This is in the news: the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, passed away on Saturday. Yup, yup, it’s true. They say he SMALL JOKE while WEARING SUNGLASSES, and it’s rumored that AMERICAN POP CULTURE CELEBRITY will take over.”

I hate late night monologues. Just everything about them: the set-up, the formula, the body swaying to indicate an “I’m just joking” demeanor, the conversational asides in the middle of the joke, the repetition of certain words and names, and most of all, the oh-so-topical punchlines. I don’t usually watch “Letterman” or “Kimmel” or even “Conan,” simply because I can’t stand the first 10 minutes of every show (I also don’t watch the other 50 when it comes to “Leno.”) The text above, that’s pretty much the route every late-night host took to tell their Kim Jong-il’s dead joke(s) last night. But can you match the joke with said host? No cheating! Here’s the first, with the other three — as well as the answers— after the jump.

Well, in North Korea, they announced the passing of their supreme leader Kim Jong-il, and his younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could be passed down to Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong-il and Khloe Jong-il…And Michele Bachmann, foreign affairs not her strong suit, when she was told of the Supreme Leader’s death, she said, “I didn’t even know Diana Ross was sick.” And Rick Perry, y’know, Rick Perry, Rick Perry didn’t fare much better. When he was told about Kim Jong-il, he said, “I never heard of him. Then again, I don’t listen to that rap music.”

Hey guys, huge international news, you guys. Kim Jong-il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hated us, that guy. He passed away over the weekend, and get this: his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong-un, is taking over. It won’t be easy, because he’s got some big sunglasses to fill. It’s going to be tough.

Hey, here’s something: you know that Kim Jong-il, you know who I’m talking about? The evil dictator of North Korea? Guess what: dropped dead. Yup, yeah. Thank you, Seal Team Six. Now everyone’s worried who’s going to take over for Kim Jong-il. They think it’s going to be his son, Kim W.-il. He’s also survived by his daughter, Kim Jong-dashian. And just about now, Osama bin Laden is probably showing Kim Jong-il around Hell. So now the only tiny tyrant left is Mayor Bloomberg.

Gotta talk about this shocking news. Big, big story. Kim Jong-il died yesterday. You all heard about that, right? They have not named his successor yet, but the rumor is that it’s going to be Ryan Seacrest. That guy gets EVERYTHING, and he says he can fit it into his schedule. This is the latest: yesterday North Korea leader Kim Jong-il died of a heart attack. That was the cause. No one knows what triggered it, but he apparently had a lot of money riding on the Denver Broncos. Crazy, strange facts are coming out about Kim Jong-il today: it’s being reported, this is true, that schoolchildren in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong-il did not urinate or defecate. That’s true, yeah, so today, most schoolchildren just assumed that their Fearless Leader exploded.

Answers below this picture of Jay Leno giving Krusty a bath:

1. Leno; 2. Fallon; 3. Letterman; 4. Conan

I say this, and I don’t say it lightly: Jay Leno is Satan, or at least made in Satan’s image. Leno is not for people who want to turn their brains off after a long day of work; Leno is for people biologically incapable of turning their brain on. Show me a Leno fan, and I’ll show you incontrovertible proof that there’s no such thing as evolution. He is a soft-brained meatsack, late-night comedic sludge. He is to comedy what DRANO is to an esophagus. And after 17 years, David Letterman has finally beaten him during a sweeps month.

In the November sweep, CBS’ “Late Show with David Letterman” beat NBC’s “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” among adults 18 to 49 for the first time since 1994, according to Nielsen. Letterman scored a 0.9 rating over Leno’s 0.8. (Source: LA Times)

Look: I grew up on Letterman. Letterman was a childhood hero of mine, but I admit I don’t pay much attention to his show anymore, not since the affair with his underlings knocked him off the pedestal upon which I held him. But he’s still ten times the talk-show host that Leno is, and as Leno’s ratings continue to fall, NBC will finally rue the day they screwed over Conan O’Brien. This is a small victory but it’s a victory for humanity, for comedy, and for common decency. The fact that “The Daily Show” (0.7) lags behind both shows, however, is criminal, and more evidence that Nielsen boxes were designed by Satan’s minions.

Until yesterday afternoon, I had never heard of Casey Anthony. Honest. My information intake is carefully crafted to give me every scrap of news from the TV industry, some sports news, Twitter’s trending topics, the front page of the New York Post, and more dog and cat pictures than you can possibly imagine. If it’s serious news, I won’t learn about it unless it becomes a meme.

…which, as you can here, it has. Again, I’m barely versed in the Anthony trial — I haven’t even backtracked through the case like Darnell Dockett has – but I know enough to understand that Michael C. Hall’s Dexter hunts down killers who escape the justice system. I’m not sure how much Showtime wants to do the “ripped from the headlines” thing that “Law & Order” did so well, but I suspect it would make for a very short season of “Dexter.”

Bonus Casey Anthony TV news: Below, Jay Leno’s monologue joke comparing the Anthony jury to Obama’s economic team is met with stony silence from the crowd (fast forward to 1:15). Mmmm, that’s good schadenfreude.

[Image via ZOMG; video via SplitSider]

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan taped a “surprise” interview with Jay Leno that will air on this evening’s “Tonight Show.” You can watch the preview clip below, but it’s not worth the time you’ll waste sitting through the preview commercial.

In case you’ve been buried in a cave without wi-fi for the last six years or so, Lindsay has spent her entire adult life snorting cocaine, drinking excessively, smoking cigarettes, not wearing underwear, chasing a lesbian lover, and dodging jail time despite several arrests and convictions for DUI and drug possession. In this clip she seems apologetic for those mistakes, stressing “I’m not a kid anymore. I’m 24.” And it’s funny that she mentions that, because that’s the same age I was when I led a tank platoon over the Kuwait border into Iraq. In other words: go to hell, Lindsay Lohan.

We didn’t get around to covering NBC’s cancellation of “The Paul Reiser Show” after just two episodes on Friday, because I was traveling and Danger Guerrero rightly covered stories about stabbings and sexual assault instead. But the unfunny turd did indeed get flushed, according to The Hollywood Reporter:

The comedy premiered to 3.3 million viewers and a 1.1 rating in the adults 18-49 demographic, ranking as the network’s lowest-rated in-season comedy bow ever. Its second episode didn’t fare any better, collecting 2.5 million viewers and a 0.9 in the demo.

If my memory serves, that’s the fastest cancellation since “Lone Star” last fall. Mmmmm… that’s good schadenfreude. Full-bodied and robust, with chocolaty hints of gloating. Delicious.

For those who already miss the presence of Reiser on television — and the numbers say there aren’t many — he’s booked as one of Jay Leno’s guests tonight (Reiser famously wrote about what a nice guy Leno is during NBC’s late-night fiasco with Conan O’Brien). It puts Reiser in the unusual position of being scheduled to promote a canceled show. Oh well, instead of a plug I guess we’ll just have to settle for the naturally hilarious comedic banter between Jay Leno and Paul Reiser. It’s must-watch TV, assuming you only have three channels and the other two are showing snuff films and Holocaust footage.

Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Theatricals brags that it’s the oldest college acting troupe in the nation, which is maybe a half-step above the honor of “Most Rockin’ a Capella Group.” Traditionally, the dumb wiener college kids of Hasty Pudding select talented entertainers as their Man of the Year (previous recipients include legends like Clint Eastwood, Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks, Martin Scorcese, and Paul Newman). This year they picked Jay Leno.

In 1977 Leno made his first appearance on “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,” who was the 1977 Man of the Year. Leno took over as full-time host in 1992. Leno has never stopped touring on the comedy circuit and still averages over 150 gigs a year, including weekly shows in Las Vegas. Through all of his success, Leno continues to keep in touch with people by shaking hands and getting “one-on-one” time with audiences. Perhaps this is why he continues to exude the “everyman” style and personality. As an acclaimed comedian and television show host, Leno joins the likes of Johnny Carson and Bob Hope on our list of Man of the Year recipients. [Hasty Pudding]

Of course, Harvard is where Conan O’Brien got his start as the editor of the Harvard Lampoon, and since these kids are supposedly smart, the only possible explanation is that this is an elaborate prank against the Lampoon.

In other, more talented collegiate comedy news, Steven Colbert will return to his (and my) alma mater to give the commencement speech at Northwestern this spring:

It was at Northwestern in the mid-1980s that Colbert switched from plans to study serious acting and instead joined an improvisation team. After graduation he joined the comic Second City touring team.

He recently told Northwestern magazine that he switched from serious theater after realizing that failing onstage in comedy can be funny, and healthier. [AP]

Northwestern, of course, has a rich history of improv comedy, with the Mee-Ow Show producing funny people like Julia-Louis-Dreyfus, Kristen Schaal, and Seth Meyers (aw crap, sorry about that last one). Who are the alumni from Hasty Pudding? Theodore Roosevelt, Oliver Wendell Holmes, William Randolph Hearst, and J.P. Morgan. Pffft, sure, but what have they done for us lately?

Howard Stern was on Piers Morgan’s not-Larry King show last night, and Stern shared some shocking opinions about Jay Leno that would have been extremely timely 12 or 13 months ago.

He’s not fit to scrub David Letterman’s feet. I don’t know why he’s beaten David Letterman in the ratings. It’s beyond my comprehension. America must be filled with morons, who at night lay in bed, the ones that are watching him must be in a coma…

[on Conan] If I was Jay Leno, I would’ve manned up. I would’ve said, “Listen. Conan, you think you’re so good? I’m gonna go to Fox network, or I’m gonna go to ABC, and I’m gonna put my show on, and I’m gonna kick your ass. THAT’S what a man does. You don’t sort of weasel your way back in.”

I don’t like Jay personally. Jay was one of the greatest stand-up comics, in my opinion, when he was younger. But I do not like the way he’s behaved with me personally. I’ve done his show many times in the past; I won’t do it again.

I mean, yeah. I agree with Stern, but it just seems like piling on at this point. C’mon dude, just put some Penthouse Pets on the Sybian (link is NSFW video).

I’ve only seen Louis CK perform live once, but even then, I got the impression that at any given time, he could let loose 40 minutes of material and barely even notice. His delivery seems so damn effortless. My writing doesn’t even come across that natural and I’ve got time to think about it and edit it. Not that my time is ever used that productively. Too many bouncy Shakira gifs to gawk at.

Anyway, Louis was a guest on The Tonight Show on Friday and, despite having to bat off a few of Jay Leno’s inane questions, was able to be thoroughly entertaining. Enough so that I forgot momentarily that I was even watching Leno. But now the realization has sunk in and I’m starting to hate myself. Small price to pay for 10 minutes of solid material, I’d say.

The three parts of the interview can be found beyond yonder jump.