Last year, Jennifer Love Hewitt starred in a heinous Lifetime movie called The Client List which was described by one critic as “redneck Mad-Libs on acid,” while Hewitt was also criticized for a performance that included only three expressions: 1) Crying, 2) Before Crying, and 3) a look that suggested she was pooping in her garters (naturally, she was nominated for a Golden Globe).

For reasons that only degenerate TV executives can explain, Lifetime has decided to turn the film into a series. It’s about a mother who turns to prostitution to support her family, so it’s basically “Weeds” for people who don’t care for decent writing, storytelling, or character development, but who enjoy looking at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs.

Ahead of its release, J-Lo-Ho debuted this nifty little advert, in which she engages in a lengthy strip-tease. I still have no desire to see the show, but I’ve watched the video six times now. I can say without a doubt that it’s the best work of J-Lo-Ho’s career.

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In the television world, career longevity is a rarity. Typically, if you’re lucky enough to land one successful television show, your odds of landing another aren’t good. Ask Jason Alexander. Ask Roseanne. Or Jenna Elfman. Or Paul Reiser. Or Bronson Pinchot. What’s even more rare is not only landing two successful shows, but landing them a decade apart. Rarer still is being as crush-worthy an actor in his or her 30s and 40s as he or she was in their teens and 20s.

But it happens. Not terribly often, but it does. Here are 10 instances representing the spectrum of TV crushes that you might have had in the 90s and that, thanks to an ability to maintain a high profile — and good looks — over a decade or more, you may still nurse today.

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Wipe away the nostalgia, and you’ll see that the early 1980s were an awful time. The scourge of crack cocaine was turning America’s inner cities into war zones, the AIDS epidemic was in full swing, and the threat of nuclear annihilation loomed large. But of all the horrifying things to come out of that miserable decade, the Disney Channel is by far the most troubling.

In theory, a channel devoted to the legacy of Walt Disney seems harmless enough. But in practice, aside from the occasional airing of “Duck Presents” (a.k.a. “Quake Attack”), the Disney Channel is home to some of the most nauseating programs in television history, and has given birth to some of the most vile celebrities on the planet. Come with me as we explore Walt Disney’s greatest shame, the Disney Channel.

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Californication/Episodes/Shameless (Showtime, Sunday) – All these shows are supposedly pretty good. “Californation” and “Shameless” bring steady amounts of nudity. Example: Emmy Rossum (who I’ve already confessed my love to on this blog) in this NSFW scene. I will, er uh, conduct a, er, fact-finding mission to see if these two statements are related.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena (Starz, Friday) – More nudity! This one maybe with ding dongs!

Fringe (FOX, Friday) – Commenter Patty Boots goes on and on about this show. Here you go, Patty.

Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool (Comedy Central, Saturday) – I’ve copped to being a comedy nerd a lot, and this is one special I’m really looking forward to. You may recognize Kroll as Ruxin on “The League,” but he also brings serious chops in the form of character work as well. (A.V. Club interview with Kroll here)

SAG Awards (TBS, Sunday) – Smug, self-important actors giving awards to themselves is the most masturbatory exercise ever. And I’m including masturbation.

Tailgate Warriors (Food Network, Saturday) – I only point this out to mention that host Guy Fieri’s is patient zero of douche. As I tweeted earlier, he’s so surreally douchey he might as well have a wristband for a face.

The Lost Valentine (ABC, Sunday) – A made-for-TV movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Betty White. From TV Guide: “a dogged TV reporter finds her own love life changed when she profiles a World War II widow who continues to honor the memory of her navy pilot husband 65 years after he was declared missing in action.” Look, I’ll defend Jennifer Love Hewitt til I die, but… guh. More hooker movies.

Hooker GIF after the jump

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This way, Dr. Scientist! We have to hurry! There's a physics emergency in the science laboratory!

Great news everyone. Everyone’s favorite large-chested, hourglass-shaped actress (well, second favorite? Third? Whatever.) has landed on her feet after the cancellation of her CBS drama “Ghost Whisperer.” Do tell, horrible people at Deadline:

I hear Fox is in talks to pick up the project, a half-hour comedy described as a female Big Bang Theory. Wild Hogs director Walt Becker and Tiffany Paulsen (Nancy Drew) will be writing the script with Hewitt attached to star. The project would reunite Hewitt with Fox where she got her break as co-star on Party of Five.

Oh dear God, this looks terrible.  And I LIKE Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Like, a lot.  In the pants*.  It’s crazy to me that she gets guff for putting on a couple pounds while people worship at the altar of Christina Hendricks.  (Fun fact: Christina Hendricks uses a full-size altar to hold up her breasts.  They’re that big.)  Anyway, I can’t wait to see how they advertise this crapsicle:  “Coming this Fall to Fox… if you liked Wild Hogs and “Big Bang Theory,” you’ll love “Derpaty Derp Zzzzzzzz.”  Starring, that lady with the boobs.  No, the other one.  From that show your mother-in-law watched.  You know, the one with the ghosts.  Jennifer something.  Yeah, that’s the one.  FOX, where CBS happens.”

*Heartbreakers has been on TV kind of a lot lately.  Hot damn, Jennifer Love Hewitt looked good in that movie.  You remember Heartbreakers, right?  Oh, you don’t?  Well, allow me to post a scene from the movie after the jump.

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