Two bits of “Jersey Shore”-related spin-off news are floating around today, so let’s wipe them both out right here. First of all, JWOWW and Snooki’s new show is going to be filming in Jersey City now, because some of the bigwigs in Hoboken said the two of them would damage the city’s reputation. Damage Hoboken’s reputation? Yeesh. LOW BLOW, HOBOKEN. Seriously, that sounds like something you’d say to an alcoholic during an intervention that isn’t going well. “You’re tearing this family apart!” “I DON’T CARE!” “Well, you’re… you’re… YOU’RE GIVING HOBOKEN A BAD REPUTATION!” “[shaken to core] Oh my God. Wow. Ok, I’ll get help.”

Second of all, noted hair product aficionado Pauly D’s new show has a premiere date. It’s going to air March 29, after that new, Bieber-fied version of “Punk’d.” From The Hollywood Reporter:

The Shore spinoff will follow the Rhode Island native as he navigates the music industry, accompanying Britney Spears on her Femme Fatale tour and signing with 50 Cent’s G-Note Records. All the while, Pauly D learns to balance fame, family and the constant photo shoots, public appearances and interviews that have become a valuable part of his everyday life.

Ugh. I’ll let this GIF sum up my feelings on all this news.

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The “Ditz” or “Idiot” or “Moron” has always been a staple of television sitcoms, but it seems like they’re growing increasingly dumb in recent years. That may be a function of our own society. After all, in many cases this character archetype exists in order to make the viewer at home feel superior. It’s getting more and more difficult now, however, to create a character dumber than the average Nielsen viewer without adding a functionally retarded person into every sitcom. Remember Ralph and Potsie from “Happy Days,” or Joey from “Friends” or even Screech and Michael Kelso? Compared to modern television’s dumb characters, they seem almost Eisensteinian.

How far has the bar dropped? Here is a ranking of the 10 Most Profoundly Stupid Characters on Current Television Shows (Limit one character per show). The level of intelligence among these characters should speak for itself.

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After being away for a few weeks for various seasonal celebrations (thanks, Jesus and/or Maccabees) and other holidays (thanks, having dreams), the GIF of the Week feature is back. Today, we’ve got animated selections from “Archer,” “Justified,” “30 Rock,” “Parks and Recreation,” and the greatest Lifetime Original Movie ever (bitch).

Yay indeed, Leslie.
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Sigh, if only this was on MTV tonight, not that other show.

Jersey Shore (MTV) – Please, don’t even watch this ironically. Forgot I mentioned it. Just pretend that it’s 1991, and MTV’s airing an episode of “Yo! MTV Raps.” I expect big things from the Public Enemies.

Project Runway All Stars (Lifetime) – They used to film “Project Runway” at my college. True story.

American Stuffers (Animal Planet) – Who needs shows about living, breathing, not dead animals when you can instead watch a series about people stuffing not living, not breathing, definitely dead animals? You can’t exactly put a live squirrel on the mantle, can you?

The Vampire Diaries (The CW) – It’s not as tame as Twilight (no religious subtext), but it’s not quite as sexxxy as “True Blood” (no Deborah Ann Woll); it exists in some CW melodramatic in-between, where the vampires don’t sparkle OR orgy. What’s the point?

Hollywood’s 2012 Diet Secret Revealed, Lose 30 Plus Lbs (Bravo) – You’ll have to stay up until 4:00 a.m. to know the secret, but I bet it’s worth it. Unless the secret is: lose 30 pounds. In which case, uh duh.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Tina Fey, Jeremy Irvine, and the Barr Brothers (I imagine two brothers dressed up as Roseanne – am I right?) on Letterman; Michelle Williams, Josh Lucas, and Chris Cornell on Leno; Tracy Morgan, Chris Paul, and tUnE-yArDs on Kimmel; Tom Selleck and Daniela Ruah on Ferguson; Rachel Maddow, Fred Armisen, and Sharon Van Etten on Fallon; Mindy Kaling, Johnny Galecki, and Tom Papa on Conan; Craig Shirley on Stewart; and Steve Case on Colbert.

After three weeks of interminable re-runs, Christmas specials, and dead air, the winter television season often has a way of sneaking up on us. It begins in earnest tonight, and lest you get caught off guard with new and returning shows, here’s a handy guide on what to keep an eye on and what you should avoid in the month of January.

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