Gentlemen, are you looking for a romantic, yet inexpensive gift for your girlfriend (or boyfriend), wife (or husband, if you live in one of six states), or mother who you have an inappropriately close relationship with? If so, you could do a lot worse than to send them a Hamm-o-Gram. What is this miracle product, you ask?

A Hamm-o-Gram is like a classic telegram where you send a special someone a transcribed message, usually in letter form. It’s just like that except this message is always a picture of handsome actor, Jon Hamm (with a little something extra!)

No two Hamm-o-Grams are the same, they only cost $5, and a portion from each purchase will be donated to A Caring Hand. So, this Valentine’s Day, order one, dine on some Hamm & Buble, and put the Gram next to the bed. Your lady will love it because she’ll be thinking of Don Draper when you do the nasty later, and you’ll love it because it means season five of “Mad Men” is right around the corner. She’ll also owe you a Joan Hollo-bouquet, whenever that becomes a real thing. The flowers will be HUGE.

Rough times for January Jones. Everyone got sick of her as Betty Draper, then everyone hated her acting X-Men: First Class, and then she had a bastard baby with someone from that set. And this video from Jest (formerly Today’s Big Thing) isn’t going to help her out any, since these “Mad Men” scenes are much more enjoyable without her pouting and complaining and generally being a shrill harpy. Although, to Jones’s credit, she does a VERY good job of making Betty Draper unlikable.

Only way this could be improved: instead of merely erasing Betty, they should try replacing her with Joan.

It just makes everyone happier.

See?

(video via Vulture & Uproxx)

This video has been just about everywhere by now, but I figure I might as well jump on the Don Draper/Facebook combination since those are nice little Internet buzzwords that are only a small step down from SCARLETT JOHANSSON NUDE SEX TAPE when it comes to web searches.

Anyway, there’s nothing too fancy about this: it’s just Jon Hamm’s famous “carousel” speech from “The Wheel” (the Season 1 finale of “Mad Men”), except the family pictures that he clicks through are replaced with the new Facebook timeline. It’s pretty good, I guess, but it doesn’t really blow my socks off — and not just because I’m not wearing socks (or pants). I guess I just don’t buy Don Draper having a Facebook page. Social networking would screw up all of his extramarital affairs.

You guys are never going to believe this, but a lot of people who appear on television for a living put on nice clothes to go to the Emmys last night. I’ll let you get to clicking through the pictures in a moment, but here’s a general overlook:

• Before you ask: yes, there are pictures of Christina Hendricks’s mountainous cleavage.
• There will be absolutely no discussion of the cleavage displayed by Ariel Winter (Alex on “Modern Family”). She’s 13. If I’m gonna get arrested for something like that, it’ll be for Chloe Moretz.
• Because I am occasionally not a total chauvinist pervert, I have included pictures of handsome male actors. Props to my lady readers.
• As I log more and more years in the blogging game, I’m less enamored with the “This beautiful actress is ugly” thing that bloggers and commenters like to do. They’re famous actors; I would happily have sex with any of them. Even Melissa McCarthy. Even Peter Dinklage. Even — and this will gross some people out — Gwyneth Paltrow.

All right. Get to clickin’. Those pageviews feed me.

So Minka Kelly has a body like this, and then wears something that covers it all up? Screw you Minka Kelly. Go take some classes from Julie Bowen.

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!

I of course love Sofia Vergara, but listening to her talk, I realized something last night: if she were any less hot, she’d be the Colombian Fran Drescher.

Oh man. Paz, what a disaster. The lipstick makes me think that she’s trying to look like a hooker that’s been strangled to death, which, now that I think about it, is actually pretty hot. Well done!

She purdy.

She’s the Madonna of acting, minus that part of my life where I masturbated to her.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT.

Seriously, Don Draper and Raylan Givens? I’d sell a child into slavery to be in this picture.

PIMP.

The Emmys were last night, and I’m going to have several posts talking about various aspects of the show and which actresses had the best cleavage and whatnot. But first, let’s talk about who won (and didn’t win) the little wingèd statues.

I’ve got a full list of winners below (with my sparkling commentary, of course), but here’s the short version: “Modern Family” is the only sitcom Emmy voters watch; Margo Martindale and Peter Dinklage got awesome wins for “Justified” and “Game of Thrones”; “Mad Men’s” sole Emmy was its fourth straight win for Best Drama; and “Friday Night Lights” finally got some recognition with wins for writing and lead actor (Kyle Chandler).

Outstanding Comedy Series
The Big Bang Theory
Glee
Modern Family (Winner)
The Office
Parks And Recreation
30 Rock

Make no mistake: “Modern Family” is an excellent show. It’s well-written and well-acted, and I understand that its appeal as a family comedy is broader than that of other series. But the only time “Modern Family” nominees lost last night were when they lost to other “Modern Family” nominees.

Outstanding Drama Series
Boardwalk Empire
Dexter
Friday Night Lights
Game Of Thrones
The Good Wife
Mad Men (Winner)

Works for me. “Mad Men” was probably most deserving, but it would’ve been nice to see “Friday Night Lights” get a nod.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory (Winner)
Johnny Galecki as Leonard Hofstadter, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc as Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Louis C.K. as Louie, Louie
Steve Carell as Michael Scott, The Office
Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Naturally, my choice would be Louis C.K., but it was a miracle he was even nominated. The real crime here, as noted by “Parks and Rec” showrunner (and former “Office” writer) Michael Schur:

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Steve Buscemi as Nucky Thompson, Boardwalk Empire
Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan, Dexter
Kyle Chandler as Coach Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights (Winner)
Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House, House
Timothy Olyphant as Raylan Givens, Justified
Jon Hamm as Don Draper, Mad Men

A crowded field, even with the absence of three-time winner Bryan Cranston due to “Breaking Bad’s” prolonged absence. Olyphant was terrific in “Justified’s” stellar second season, and Hamm has never been better as Don Draper, but I can’t begrudge Coach Taylor finally getting some recognition. Clear hearts and all that.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
Laura Linney as Cathy Jamison, The Big C
Melissa McCarthy as Molly Flynn, Mike & Molly (Winner)
Edie Falco as Jackie Peyton, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope, Parks And Recreation
Martha Plimpton as Virginia Chance, Raising Hope
Tina Fey as Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

The nominees assembling onstage like beauty pageant finalists was one of the highlights of the night (and Amy Poehler’s idea), but what bothers me is that there were only two comedy categories where “Modern Family” didn’t have a nominee, and the winners were Jim Parsons and Melissa McCarthy, who’s good but clearly got the award because Emmy voters liked Bridesmaids.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Connie Britton as Tami Taylor, Friday Night Lights
Julianna Margulies as Alicia Florrick, The Good Wife (Winner)
Kathy Bates as Harriet “Harry” Korn, Harry’s Law
Mireille Enos as Sarah Linden, The Killing
Mariska Hargitay as Detective Olivia Benson, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson, Mad Men

At least it wasn’t Kathy Bates?

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel, Glee
Jesse Tyler Ferguson as Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill as Jay Pritchett, Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet as Cameron Tucker, Modern Family
Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy, Modern Family (Winner)
Jon Cryer as Alan Harper, Two and a Half Men

Yup, four of the best six male supporting actors in televised comedy are on “Modern Family.” Certainly not Nick Offerman or Danny Pudi.

F*ck you, TV Academy.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones (Winner)
Josh Charles as Will Gardner, The Good Wife
Alan Cumming as Eli Gold, The Good Wife
Walton Goggins as Boyd Crowder, Justified
John Slattery as Roger Sterling, Mad Men
Andre Braugher as Owen, Men of a Certain Age

I loved seeing Dinklage win, although I have to deduct a couple points for him calling Goggins “Walter” as he acknowledged the other nominees. C’mon, man! He was equally deserving of that Emmy, get his name right.

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester, Glee
Betty White as Elka Ostrosky, Hot in Cleveland
Julie Bowen as Claire Dunphy, Modern Family (Winner)
Sofia Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig as Various characters, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski as Jenna Maroney, 30 Rock

At least it wasn’t Betty White?

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Kelly Macdonald as Margaret Schroeder, Boardwalk Empire
Archie Panjabi as Kalinda Sharma, The Good Wife
Christine Baranski as Diane Lockhart, The Good Wife
Margo Martindale as Mags Bennett, Justified (Winner)
Michelle Forbes as Mitch Larsen, The Killing
Christina Hendricks as Joan Harris, Mad Men

F YEAH MAGS BENNETT.

Next page: all the miniseries/movie awards, writing awards, reality stuff, et cetera.

The Television Critics Association (TCA) presented its annual awards on Saturday night, and while I don’t find the winners to be as refreshing as the TCA’s list of nominees, TV critics are still 800 times better than the collection of mongoloids and zoo animals who vote for the Emmys.

“Mad Men” and “Modern Family” were recognized as the best drama and comedy, respectively, while “Friday Night Lights” got a victory lap as Program of the Year. Also, since the TCAs don’t have separate awards for actors and actresses, Jon Hamm’s win for Individual Achievment in Drama came at the hands of Julianna Margulies (“The Good Wife”) and Margo Martindale (“Justified”) — as well as Steve Buscemi (“Boardwalk Empire”), Peter Dinklage (“Game of Thrones”), and Timothy Olyphant (“Justified”). Ty Burrell and TCA host Nick Offerman shared the award for Individual Achievement in Comedy, proof that ”Modern Family,” despite its excellence, is officially overrated. Sorry, but Ron Swanson shouldn’t have to share awards any sooner than he’d share his personal time with co-workers or his paycheck with the government.

Full list of awards below.

•    Individual Achievement in Drama: Jon Hamm (“Mad Men,” AMC)
•    Individual Achievement in Comedy: Ty Burrell (“Modern Family,” ABC)
and Nick Offerman (“Parks and Recreation,” NBC)
•    Outstanding Achievement in News and Information:
“Restrepo” (National Geographic Channel)
•    Outstanding Achievement in Reality Programming: “Amazing Race” (CBS)
•    Outstanding Achievement in Youth Programming: “Sesame Street” (PBS)
•    Outstanding New Program: “Game of Thrones” (HBO)
•    Outstanding Achievement in Movies, Miniseries and Specials: “Masterpiece: Sherlock” (PBS)
•    Outstanding Achievement in Drama: “Mad Men” (AMC)
•    Outstanding Achievement in Comedy: “Modern Family” (ABC)
•    Career Achievement Award: Oprah Winfrey
•    Heritage Award: “The Dick Van Dyke Show”
•    Program of the Year: “Friday Night Lights” (DirecTV/NBC)

Excellent news: Jon Hamm has signed a three-year contract with Lionsgate TV and AMC that locks him in to play Don Draper through Season 7 of “Mad Men.”

We hear Hamm’s blockbuster new three-year deal is in the eight figures, catapulting him in the top ranks of cable’s leading men. His previous contract for Mad Men was for two more seasons… Its length now aligns it with the one of Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner, who closed a new three-year deal with Lionsgate TV and AMC earlier this year. After locking in Weiner, Hamm was the studio’s top priority, with othe r key cast members also expected to get bumps in exchange for longer contracts. [Deadline]

Pffft, whatever. Eight figures over three years isn’t all that much. I’ll make eight figures over the next three years, too. I just have to count the two zeroes after the decimal point.

No word yet on whether Hamm made any character demands in the new contract, but he’s certainly a big enough star to do so. As the series gets closer to the ’70s and the fashion trends change, he should ensure that Draper’s suits remain dark gray with skinny ties. I also would have demanded at least one forceful fingerbang per season.

The extended delay between “Mad Men” seasons is already starting to get to me. I’m so used to my summer television watching being full of casual alcohol abuse and manliness that I can feel the withdrawal setting in. So when there’s “Mad Men” news to discuss, I’m gonna jump at it. And the recent announcement that Jon Hamm, Don Draper himself, is directing the season premiere… well that qualifies.

The idea to follow in the footsteps of co-star John Slattery and helm an episode of the acclaimed AMC hit has been “in the back of my mind” for a while now,” says Hamm. “It helps to have people you know and trust surrounding you. We’ve been fortunate enough to have very little turnover not only in our cast but in our crew.”

“I watched Slattery do it, and he handled it with such grace and ability and ease,” he continues, before adding with a laugh, “I figured if he can do it, s–t, I can do it too.”

Hey, Hamm. Cool it. What, the acting and SNL hosting and looking great in a suit and giving awesome quotes to reporters like that one wasn’t enough for you? Now you’ve got to direct, too? Come on, guy. You’re giving me a complex.

I’ll tell you what, let’s you and me make you a deal. You can go ahead and direct the season premiere of “Mad Men” on one condition: kill Timberlake. Now, I’ve got nothing against the kid personally. I kinda like him, actually. I just can’t have TWO handsome, infuriatingly talented guys running around out there. It simply won’t do. So look, production starts on “Mad Men” in August. That gives you a full summer to take care of this. That’s plenty of time. Maybe you could pull a Wile E. Coyote and paint a giant vagina on the side of a mountain and hope he just smashes into face first or something. I’m just spitballing here, it’s totally your call.

What’s important here is this: in the end, there can be only one.

Once a fixture of “Saturday Night Live,” we haven’t seen much of The Ambiguously Gay Duo — Robert Smigel’s innuendo-heavy cartoon — since Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert (who voice the skits) attained comedic superstardom. But Ace and Gary returned in a big way during this weekend’s “SNL,” an otherwise unremarkable episode hosted by Ed Helms. Thanks to a “flesh ray,” Ace and Gary become live-action heroes played by Jon Hamm and Jimmy Fallon, while Carell, Colbert, and Helms play the bad guys trying to out them (for what it’s worth, Fred Armisen plays the lizard guy).

You can watch the Hulu video below — unless you live outside of the United States, of course. Consider it your punishment for daring to live outside our borders, you commie scum. (Just kidding, foreigners: you can watch the live-action part of the sketch here.)

Community (NBC) — Season finale (part 2). A running joke this season has been Abed’s love of “Cougar Town,” a gag that may be a response to “Cougar Town’s” Travis forcing his girlfriend to watch the Season 1 DVD of “Community.” Tonight we get a little crossover, as you can clearly see the ABC show’s Busy Phillips (in red) and Dan Byrd (between Donald Glover and Danny Pudi) in the background of this publicity still.

Vampire Diaries (CW) — Season finale. Apparently last week there was a big bloodbath that killed off a lot of characters. Sweet! Tune in tonight for dénouement!

CSI: Original Flavor (CBS) — Season finale. I don’t have anything to say about this, I just felt compelled to include it because it’s the season finale.

Parks and Recreation (NBC) — WOOOO, back-to-back episodes!!!! Leslie Knope & Co. get new episodes at both 9:30 and 10 p.m. on the East coast, with the latter episode featuring Ron Swanson as a mentor to grade schoolers. After all, every child needs to learn the Pyramid of Greatness.

American Idol (Fox) — Former winner Jordin Sparks performs on the results show. I need her to get a little fatter so I can call her “Jordin Sporks.”

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jim Parsons on Letterman; Ann Curry and Norm MacDonals on Leno; Kate Hudson on Kimmel; Mary Lynn Rajskub on Ferguson; Maya Rudolph, Nick Offerman (SWANSON!), and Lauryn Hill on Fallon; Kristen Wiig on “The Daily Show;” and Magic Johnson and Maggie Q on Conan. For those who missed last night’s “Conan,” here’s Jon Hamm winking at you:

(GIF via)