While there are those saying that Sarah Palin’s foray into televised hunting has only served to further tarnish her image as a true-to-life hunter and legitimate killer of things, that doesn’t mean she can’t impart what little actual knowledge of living off nature that she has onto the next generation of rusticated dimwits. And so in a TV crossover worthy of The Flintstones meets The Jetsons, Palin welcomes Kate Gosselin and her brood on the next episode of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” for some basic wilderness training. And, shock of shocks, Kate turns out to annoy everyone.

Then Kate and her kids land at the campsite. Quickly, Kate proves to be a bigger pill than a horse tranquilizer.

“I’m not worrying about bears right now,” she is soon grousing. “I’m just worried about keeping my toes wiggling ’cause they’re freezing.”

Sarah, daughters Piper and Willow, husband Todd and other family members seem to be having a blast. So, for that matter, are Kate’s youngsters.

“The kids are having fun, so I’m tolerating it, but this is my new home,” grumbles Kate, having sullenly planted herself, apart from the rest, beneath a tarp. “I am miserable, but, I mean, somebody’s got to be.”

That’s a good martyrdom complex. At least if you’re one of eight siblings, you have a fighting chance not to be the miserable one in that household. Though it should be for captivating television years from now when they can film the day when the other seven kids, now grown up, finally decide to free the outcast from his manacles in the basement.

I apologize in advance for writing his story in the laziest, most uninteresting way possible, but it’s really not worth decent writing. It’s not even worth the time I put into the Photoshop, totally awesome though it may be.

So Jon Gosselin got fired from the show he’s on. Then he acted to halt the show’s filming. Now TLC is treating him like the bitch he is. TLC’s statement:

“We are aware of Jon Gosselin’s recent statements, and remain deeply disappointed at his continued erratic behavior. He and the family were shooting as recently as last Friday, without incident, and his latest comments are grossly inaccurate, without merit and are clearly opportunistic. Despite Jon Gosselin’s repeated self destructive and unprofessional actions, he remains under an exclusive contract with TLC. Direct filming of the children has been currently suspended, pending further conversations between both parents.”

Okay, that’s it from me. This show no longer exists to me. You’ll never have to read about Jon and Kate or their little mongoloid children ever again on this site. Unless something really, really terrible happens to them. And I’m not talking about cancellation. I’m talking freak thresher accident. Does anyone out there sell farm equipment? Can we get some more threshers sent to Pennsylvania?  Do me a solid here. Just leave the threshers idling around the Gosselin house.

Everyone hates Jon and Kate Gosselin; I know that.  But I promise that I wouldn’t be bringing them up if this tabloid confession didn’t make my day.

Kate Major, the former Star reporter who left her job after she fell in love with Jon while working on a story about him, shared the romantic details of their affair:

“Jon said he couldn’t be seen having a girlfriend, so he told me to drive to a neighbor’s house after midnight, when the kids were asleep,” Major told the mag. “He said he’d pick me up on his four-wheeler, take me to his house and drop me off again at 6 a.m.”

What an old-fashioned gentleman.  “I don’t want to be seen with you, but I’ll pick you up on my four-wheeler and you can stay long enough for me to enjoy the secret poon.”  The only way this could have been better is if he had ridden a moped to get her.  That would have been a nice metaphor.

I hate Jon and Kate Gosselin stories way more than you do, but I’m relenting on my coverage ban on them because this is pretty gangsta: Jon is vacationing in St. Tropez with the DAUGHTER OF KATE’S PLATIC SURGEON.  And she’s 12 years younger than Kate.  Can we go to the judges?  Yep, that’s a burn.

Just weeks after splitting from his wife of 10 years, Jon Gosselin is back in the spotlight with a new career and a new girlfriend. Gosselin, 32, turned up in St. Tropez hand-in-hand with Hailey Glassman, the daughter of the plastic surgeon who performed Kate’s tummy tuck in 2006. The lovebirds spent the weekend along the French Riviera so Gosselin could finalize a deal to design his own line of children’s clothing with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier [on Audigier's yacht, no less]. Glassman will also have a hand in creating the kid-friendly fashions. “She’ll have a lot of input with Christian,” Gosselin told PEOPLE of Hailey’s involvement. “And I will, too.” [People via BWE]

I’m going to pretend for a moment that there aren’t eight children dealing with divorce right now, because that makes it way easier to say that this is AWESOME.  Even better: Hailey is your average pot-smoking, panty-flashing 22-year-old who crashes into potted plants.  He left the confines of his marriage with a stentorian control freak for the nearest party girl.  It’s so predictable and awful that I can’t help but feel an immense schadenfreude that makes me want to dance down the street and wave to strangers.

See you in hell, everyone!

While Jon and Kate Gosselin go through the ugly business of divorce, they’ve entered a rare period of media silence while their show goes on an unexpected hiatus.  And so Monday’s episode was a look back on their ten years of marriage that highlighted primarily the bright moments, which spurred Jezebel to make this video, a clip filled with signs of relationship doom. 

The immediate take on this is “Wow, Kate’s the most controlling awful bitch on the planet.”   And maybe she is.  But there’s also something to be said for Jon’s mastery of passive-aggressive behavior and lack of interest in raising eight toddlers. Hell, Jon wasn’t excited about having a third kid, then she was all,  “Surprise, we’re having six more!”  I’m not a marriage counselor, but I do like pointing out obvious things, so I think that might have been a turning point in the relationship.

Devastating, shocking, unexpected news on Jon & Kate Plus 8 last night: Jon and Kate Gosselin have filed for divorce after ten years of marriage.  Please, everyone: try to contain your grief.  Your tears can’t heal this rift.

Fans who have watched the couple’s popular TLC show – or read the voluminous coverage of the Gosselin marriage in the press – will hardly be surprised: The duo had long maintained a tense relationship, with Jon recently telling PEOPLE he wanted a less high-profile life, while Kate appeared to remain committed to their TV career. [People]

Obviously, divorce — no matter how much it may be a necessity for the parties involved — is a sad event when children are involved.  The important thing to remember for the kids — if you little Gosselins are reading this — is that Mommy and Daddy would have stayed in love if the sextuplets had never been born.  KIDDING.  Just kidding, you adorable matching children.  The real truth is that your mother is a monster.

Below, Conan O’Brien’s awesome take on the Gosselins from last night’s “Tonight Show.”

(p.s. Andy Richter and Max Weinberg are better than any other late-night second fiddles/band leaders. Period.)

Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC) — Ever since Friday, there’s been an endless stream of stories about tonight’s “special episode” with a “big announcement” about the “new direction” in their lives.  Golly, what could it possibly be?

Run’s House (MTV) — The Run family is shocked that Rev’s son JoJo has been booked for possession of marijuana.  OMG!  A teenager doing pot!?!?!  What is the world coming to?

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Thankfully, on ABC Family, teenagers don’t do pot.  Get pregnant and have kids, sure.  But that’s just because they say no to drugs and condoms.

The Bachelorette (ABC) — Two hours for eight guys to get whittled down to three.  Do you really want to spend one-twelfth of your day watching “The Bachelorette”?

The Closer (TNT) — Mary McDonnell of “Battlestar Galactica” fame guest stars.  I’d give that a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down, but that’s more effort than I care to make.

New York Goes to Work (VH1) — Frankly, I’d like to see her get a job in an Asian massage parlor.  Or would she be considered overqualified for that?

Access Hollywood (via everywhere) recently released this pre-interview footage from January in which Kate Gosselin of “Jon and Kate + 8″ shows off parenting skills only slightly more caring than the hamsters that eat their babies.  Eight-year-old twin Mady — no doubt tired from getting shuttled around to TV interviews so your parents can increase their fame and wealth — was thirsty and sitting next to her mother, and she asked Kate for a drink.  And what happens next isn’t even remotely believable, so I’m going to give you the transcript without commentary:

Mady: I just want a drink. I haven’t had a drink all day. I want a drink, I’m going to get dehydrated.
Kate (cutting her off): Alexis, that’s adorable.
Mady: Mom, I’m gonna get dehydrated.
Kate: Yes, me too.
Mady: (begins to slump down)
Kate: That’s true. Could I — could I have a bottle? Is there time to throw a bottle of water at me? (someone hands her a bottle of water) Thank you. Okay, all right. Got it. (takes long drink of water, puts bottle away) After this, Judy will somehow manage to get drinks in here for you.
Mady: I need a drink NOW.
Kate (to another child): Hey, sit down please. Sit down, we’re interviewing.
Mady: You’re really, really mean.
Kate: Be quiet.
Mady: You drank it right in front of my face.
Kate: Here. (reaches for water, then puts it away again) We can’t right now, we’re going on.

I don’t usually like to play the role of Christian fundamentalist, but you know how Jon and Kate needed fertility drugs to have children?  That was God trying to keep Kate from reproducing.

TLC has posted a two-minute clip from the new season of “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” and the entire thing is a testament to how awful their relationship has gotten.  They both sound exhausted, and not we-have-eight-kids-exhausted.  More like I’m-tired-of-looking-at-the-other-person-exhausted.  In fact, during the entire clip, the only time they appear onscreen together is to sing “Happy Birthday” to their sextuplets.  That is the ONLY thing that could get them in the same frame together.  Finally, near the end, Jon says, “Kate and I obviously have been going through a lot of stuff,” which is refreshing to hear.  Because, yeah man, we’re kinda privy to you cheating on your harpy of a wife and all of the various ways she’s revealed herself to be a mean, joyless shrike.

As for the picture?  Well, that’s a screen capture of Kate when she was pregnant with sextuplets.  Because TLC  hates you, and so do I.

Sure, Kate Gosselin seems like a domineering bitchy control freak on “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” but you know how reality TV is always edited to make people into one-dimensional characters.  I’m sure in real life she’s actually a very sweet, laid-back person… who fired 40 assistants in three months.

Baby nurse Angela Krall, who watched the sextuplets as infants for more than a year, tells Us that the short-fused Kate fired 40 nurses and nurse’s aides in the three months before she was hired…

Krall reveals that Kate posted “demeaning” signs in every room detailing rules, and fired one woman on the spot for washing her hands in the kitchen instead of the bathroom. “Kate flipped,” says Krall. “She thought it was cross-contamination.”

That level of perfectionism also tore her apart from her father, Kenton Kreider, a pastor, after he gave her cribs donated by his parishioners. “They didn’t match and Kate rejected them,” says a family source.

Keep in mind that three months is 90 days, so really it’s not that bad.  I mean, who hasn’t gone through a stretch of time where they’ve fired 2-3 people a week for three months?

Also, this story comes on the heels of her brother saying that she “gave husband Jon a contract saying he could date others as long as he showed up for filming” of their show, which is probably the nicest thing she’s ever done.  You know what I’m thinking?  Hitler probably wouldn’t have killed millions of Jews if he had to take care of eight kids.