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Devastating, shocking, unexpected news on Jon & Kate Plus 8 last night: Jon and Kate Gosselin have filed for divorce after ten years of marriage.  Please, everyone: try to contain your grief.  Your tears can’t heal this rift.

Fans who have watched the couple’s popular TLC show – or read the voluminous coverage of the Gosselin marriage in the press – will hardly be surprised: The duo had long maintained a tense relationship, with Jon recently telling PEOPLE he wanted a less high-profile life, while Kate appeared to remain committed to their TV career. [People]

Obviously, divorce — no matter how much it may be a necessity for the parties involved — is a sad event when children are involved.  The important thing to remember for the kids — if you little Gosselins are reading this — is that Mommy and Daddy would have stayed in love if the sextuplets had never been born.  KIDDING.  Just kidding, you adorable matching children.  The real truth is that your mother is a monster.

Below, Conan O’Brien’s awesome take on the Gosselins from last night’s “Tonight Show.”

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Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC) — Ever since Friday, there’s been an endless stream of stories about tonight’s “special episode” with a “big announcement” about the “new direction” in their lives.  Golly, what could it possibly be?

Run’s House (MTV) — The Run family is shocked that Rev’s son JoJo has been booked for possession of marijuana.  OMG!  A teenager doing pot!?!?!  What is the world coming to?

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Thankfully, on ABC Family, teenagers don’t do pot.  Get pregnant and have kids, sure.  But that’s just because they say no to drugs and condoms.

The Bachelorette (ABC) — Two hours for eight guys to get whittled down to three.  Do you really want to spend one-twelfth of your day watching “The Bachelorette”?

The Closer (TNT) — Mary McDonnell of “Battlestar Galactica” fame guest stars.  I’d give that a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down, but that’s more effort than I care to make.

New York Goes to Work (VH1) — Frankly, I’d like to see her get a job in an Asian massage parlor.  Or would she be considered overqualified for that?

Access Hollywood (via everywhere) recently released this pre-interview footage from January in which Kate Gosselin of “Jon and Kate + 8″ shows off parenting skills only slightly more caring than the hamsters that eat their babies.  Eight-year-old twin Mady — no doubt tired from getting shuttled around to TV interviews so your parents can increase their fame and wealth — was thirsty and sitting next to her mother, and she asked Kate for a drink.  And what happens next isn’t even remotely believable, so I’m going to give you the transcript without commentary:

Mady: I just want a drink. I haven’t had a drink all day. I want a drink, I’m going to get dehydrated.
Kate (cutting her off): Alexis, that’s adorable.
Mady: Mom, I’m gonna get dehydrated.
Kate: Yes, me too.
Mady: (begins to slump down)
Kate: That’s true. Could I — could I have a bottle? Is there time to throw a bottle of water at me? (someone hands her a bottle of water) Thank you. Okay, all right. Got it. (takes long drink of water, puts bottle away) After this, Judy will somehow manage to get drinks in here for you.
Mady: I need a drink NOW.
Kate (to another child): Hey, sit down please. Sit down, we’re interviewing.
Mady: You’re really, really mean.
Kate: Be quiet.
Mady: You drank it right in front of my face.
Kate: Here. (reaches for water, then puts it away again) We can’t right now, we’re going on.

I don’t usually like to play the role of Christian fundamentalist, but you know how Jon and Kate needed fertility drugs to have children?  That was God trying to keep Kate from reproducing.

TLC has posted a two-minute clip from the new season of “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” and the entire thing is a testament to how awful their relationship has gotten.  They both sound exhausted, and not we-have-eight-kids-exhausted.  More like I’m-tired-of-looking-at-the-other-person-exhausted.  In fact, during the entire clip, the only time they appear onscreen together is to sing “Happy Birthday” to their sextuplets.  That is the ONLY thing that could get them in the same frame together.  Finally, near the end, Jon says, “Kate and I obviously have been going through a lot of stuff,” which is refreshing to hear.  Because, yeah man, we’re kinda privy to you cheating on your harpy of a wife and all of the various ways she’s revealed herself to be a mean, joyless shrike.

As for the picture?  Well, that’s a screen capture of Kate when she was pregnant with sextuplets.  Because TLC  hates you, and so do I.

She unhinges her jaw when it’s time to feed

Sure, Kate Gosselin seems like a domineering bitchy control freak on “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” but you know how reality TV is always edited to make people into one-dimensional characters.  I’m sure in real life she’s actually a very sweet, laid-back person… who fired 40 assistants in three months.

Baby nurse Angela Krall, who watched the sextuplets as infants for more than a year, tells Us that the short-fused Kate fired 40 nurses and nurse’s aides in the three months before she was hired…

Krall reveals that Kate posted “demeaning” signs in every room detailing rules, and fired one woman on the spot for washing her hands in the kitchen instead of the bathroom. “Kate flipped,” says Krall. “She thought it was cross-contamination.”

That level of perfectionism also tore her apart from her father, Kenton Kreider, a pastor, after he gave her cribs donated by his parishioners. “They didn’t match and Kate rejected them,” says a family source.

Keep in mind that three months is 90 days, so really it’s not that bad.  I mean, who hasn’t gone through a stretch of time where they’ve fired 2-3 people a week for three months?

Also, this story comes on the heels of her brother saying that she “gave husband Jon a contract saying he could date others as long as he showed up for filming” of their show, which is probably the nicest thing she’s ever done.  You know what I’m thinking?  Hitler probably wouldn’t have killed millions of Jews if he had to take care of eight kids.