Apparently, Kara DioGuardi was on “Lopez Tonight” recently, and discussed an incident a few years ago where she ate pot brownies at Paula Abdul’s house. I say “apparently” because there aren’t enough pot brownies in the world to get me to watch an episode of “Lopez Tonight” with Kara Dioguardi as a guest. So I’m taking CNN’s word for it. Anyway, speaketh Kara:

“The maid at the time found these brownies in the freezer,” she recalled. “She took them out, put them in the refrigerator, and I hadn’t really eaten much that night… They were these little nuggets, little, you know? I take six, not a lot.”

Six hours later, “I was like, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’” remembered the host of Bravo’s upcoming “Platinum Hit.” “I fell out of bed, on the floor and stumbled down stairs… and the ambulance comes, and this guy is like, ‘This b— is high as a kite!”‘

Dioguardi went on to insist that the brownies weren’t Abdul’s, but were brought by a friend. As ridiculous as that sounds, it’s not the important part of this story. Nor is the part where she was taken to the hospital and put on an IV for three days. No, the important part of the story is SIX! SIX BROWNIES! Jesus, Kara. Save some for the rest of us, piggy. I can’t even imagine how mad I’d be if I had a party and laid out food and drink, and some chick rooted through my kitchen and ate six of my brownies. Brownies I had SPECIFICALLY kept away from my guests. She deserved everything she got.

In summation, I like brownies very much.

In a new memoir, former “American Idol” judge Kara DioGuardi discusses her career in the music industry, including her claims of being date raped by a “fairly known producer,” and being sexually harassed by a “hugely successful artist” on a three-day songwriting trip. From ABC News:

Instead of working on music, she writes that “the trip’s activities consisted of watching Russian porn, scavenging around the kitchen for food [and] leering at two strippers … as they performed sex acts in the living room.”

Yeesh. Bieber is really getting out of hand.

I guess I’d like to conclude this post with two important points: 1) Sexual abuse is incredibly serious and unfunny. 2) I really, really don’t want to come any closer to this story than I have. I was going to write up a big paragraph about how her description of what happened on the boat doesn’t actually sound that bad given what we know about rock stars, but every time I tried I started sounding like some Spike Channel watching mouthbreather. “Ay, settle down, baby. You know how the game is played.” Ick. So I’m just going to post a video after the jump of a baby laughing while a doggie bursts bubbles, and move along.

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Yesterday afternoon, news broke that Ellen Degeneres would not be returning to “American Idol” next season. She released a statement saying that the show “didn’t feel like the right fit” for her and that she didn’t like shattering young peoples’ dreams (shattered dreams, of course, are like oxygen to Simon Cowell).

In addition to that, TMZ is reporting that Kara DioGuardi has been fired. Factor in that Cowell is leaving “Idol” to helm “The X Factor,” and that leaves Randy Jackson, alone, forlornly telling young singers that it was “a little pitchy, dawg. A little pitchy.”

Actually, the new judges table is reportedly going to be Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, and Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler, and my sources tell me that the show will be renamed “Oh, Is That Still On?”

“American Idol” is so overwhelmingly popular that it doesn’t make sense for me to talk about how much I dislike it, but a good example why I can’t watch it is this collection “Idol” scenes that Jimmy Kimmel showed on Wednesday night’s “Kimmel Live.” Without going into details too much, it’s mostly Randy Jackson abusing the concept of percentage. And also the concept of black people being cool. Man, is there a single black person on TV whose lame-ass “bro-dawg” shtick is a bigger insult to black culture?

I meant that question rhetorically, but the answer is yes: Stuart Scott.

[via NextRound]

My overwhelming disdain for “American Idol” keeps me from providing decent coverage of the most-watched show on television; however, if two hot women get into a fight, I’ll cover the story even if it’s happening on the set of “Entourage.”

Such was the case with last night’s “Idol,” when Kara DioGuardi and guest judge Katy Perry butted heads over little disagreements before it got downright catty. When DioGuardi teased Perry by singing “I Kissed a Girl,” Perry shot back, “Please stop before I throw my Coke in your face” — which, as noted earlier, would be an unintended use for a product placement. Anyway, this little scene has sparked all sorts of “controversy,” as Perry said that she’d take a full-time gig as an “Idol” judge, while DioGuardi dismissed the notion of a feud. Basically, it’s the same B.S. non-story that comes out of the “American Idol” news cycle three or four times per season.

Anyway, I’ve got video below, but the real story, as always, is Katy Perry’s boobs. If I flew a WWII bomber, I’d want her painted on the fuselage. (And yes: Warming Glow will now be accepting “paint her fuselage” innuendos in the comments.)

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