You know, I don’t ask that much from the Internet.  When there are two women with nice bodies in bikinis on a popular TV show, all I want is a massive collection of high-resolution photos taken from every angle possible.  For free.  But no.  All I get is Simon Cowell’s stupid square head covering valuable real estate.

To elaborate: last night’s “American Idol” finale, in which Bikini Girl Katrina Darrell was awarded the “Golden Idol” statue for, uh, wearing a bikini, featured Darrell singing “Visions of Love” (horribly) before judge Kara DioGuardi interrupted her performance and took over singing (a nod to the episode in which DioGuardi outsang Darrell while sitting at the judges’ table).  And then DioGuardi ripped open her dress to reveal a bikini.  It was brief, pointless, and the two obviously don’t like each other, but hey: bikinis.  Ratings gold, baby.

Anyway: relevant pictures, plus bonus unrelated bikini pictures.  And before any of you ladies get catty about Katrina’s new boob job or how her face isn’t even pretty, I want you to look at yourself and say, “Am I wearing a bikini right now?”  Because maybe the person you really don’t like is yourself.

“Hello? Sorry, wrong Megan Joy“

SAY GOODBYE TO MEGAN — Megan Joy, AKA the Last Hot Chick on Idol, was absolutely terrible on last night’s epsiode and will likely go home during tonight’s results show (unless Anoop gets axed) — all because teenage girls don’t respect the rule that sexy girls with tattoos deserve special treatment.  I think of her as a less talented Carrie Underwood who would let you snort coke off her boobs.  And isn’t that worth another chance, America?

FOX MAKES APRIL FOOL’S BILLBOARD — OMG you guys!  The “Idol” billboard in L.A. has Taylor Hicks and William Hung on it, LOLOLOLOLOLOL.  In a related story, the Internet has changed my stance on April Fool’s Day from “mild annoyance” to “deep hatred capable of melting iron in the cauldrons of Hell.”

SIMON COWELL HAS FINANCIAL ADVICE — What a dickhead.

KARA DIOGUARDI GOT HECKLED — During the 20 minutes of last minute’s “Idol” that I managed to stomach before changing the channel to avoid brain damage, Kara DioGuardi had some testy exchanges with the audience, even dealing with a heckler (Megan Joy’s brother, as it turns out).  It was refreshing to see someone on the show as annoyed by me that the “American Idol” audience just boos any reaction that isn’t unfettered, shining praise. (“BOOOOO!!!!  That’s only constructive criticism!”)  The Hitler Youth showed more sophisticated thought patterns.

Everyone knows that “American Idol” execs brought judge Kara DiGiorno Laguardia DioGuardi on to replace Paula Abdul except Paula Abdul, so of course Paula stated publicly that Kara isn’t working out as the fourth judge.

“Kara and I have known each other for years and we get along great,” Abdul tells the March 9 issue of OK! magazine. “But we tried four judges before [with Angie Martinez in season 2] and it doesn’t work.” [...]

Abdul also says the extra person disrupts the flow of the show. “It takes up so much time for each of us to give our opinion that it slows down the pace of the show,” she says.

As for her future on “Idol,” Abdul is a little more cagey. “It is the last season of my contract, and I have so many other things I want to do,” she says.

Oh yeah, there are all sort of things Paula wants to do.  Things like lithium and horse tranquilizers and that guy she saw onstage.  For her part, Kara said she was “disappointed” by the comments, and at this point it couldn’t be any more obvious that Paula won’t be back next season.  Unless she tries out as one of the contestants.  Ooh, sing “Cold Hearted”!!!