Coachella? Meh. The REAL party in 2012 is going to be on the high seas, when too-real-for-reality Kate Gosselin hosts a week-long Caribbean Cruise in August. Highlights include, “The first Starbucks at sea…and favorite moments with Shrek, Po the Panda, and more friends in the Dream Works experience.” And by “experience,” they mean they found a couple of winos on the dock, dressed them up in panda costumes, and called it a year. What nautical illness are you hoping everyone on-board gets? I’m going with dysentery. (H/T to Burnsy)

The Best of #Jack Donaghy — “And Alexander wept, for there were no worlds to conquer. Hans Gruber, Die Hard.” That might be the best of them all. (Uproxx)

“The Colbert Report” Was Originally Intended to Be Nothing More Than a Joke — He’s come a long since impersonating George Harrison on “The Dana Carvey Show.” Unlike Dana Carvey, who’s only gone backwards. (Uproxx)

The World Was a Much Better Place with MTV’s “Rock N Jock Sports” — What do you think Aaliyah and Jennifer Love Hewitt talked about? “Every guy here would give his left nut to spend just a minute with us,” said JLH, as Li-Li nodded in agreement. (With Leather)

Anti-Zombie Presidential Candidate ‘Vermin Supreme’ Needs Our Support — “Vermin Supreme” sounds like a great forgotten punk band from the late-1970s. They toured briefly with the Vomiting Trouts and Pale Garbage and the Kids. (Film Drunk)

Jay-Z Delivers New Song “Glory” For Baby Blue Ivy — Someone needs to make a mix of songs featuring a baby crying. Tracks one and two: “Are You That Somebody” by Aaliyah (reference number two!) and the theme song to “Up All Night.” (Smoking Section)

New Safe-For-Work Trailer For the Star Wars Porn Parody — I can’t wait until they get to the gay porn parodies. Jar Jar Twinks will be a scene stealer. (Gamma Squad)

The Bizarre Twitter Obsession with Tim Tebow Possibly Having Herpes — Meanwhile, on MySpace, users are all a-buzz about this Daunte Culpepper guy. He’s on the rise, and DEFINITELY won’t have his career cut short from a knee injury. (Buzzfeed)

Adult Swim’s 15 Best Web Contents of the Week — All those guys who are into ferret legging should know that it’s illegal to put them down your pants for the purposes of gambling. (Adult Swim)

“Shameless” Season Two Review: Emmy Rossum Now Even More Naked than Ever — Dustin writes insightful things, you think of Emmy Rossum’s boobs. He’s used to it by now. (Pajiba)

Altering More Childhood Memories with Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone Cosplay — I was into Betty Rubble before it was cool, back when Rosie O’Donnell played her in the Flintstones movie. (Unreality Mag)

And here’s a video that ruined my love of rap — and white people. I already hated everyone named “Stu.”

The group of boys look like forgotten Culkins. (Via Buzzfeed)

It’s Secret Santa season, the time of the year when you’re forced to buy cheap “holiday” presents for your fellow office workers because a memo from the Powers That Be tell you to. It’s a wonderful strife…going on in your head because it’s likely that you hate many of the people you work with (HI DANGER AND DUSTIN), but you still have to give them something. But rather than begrudgingly purchasing an iTunes gift certificate for the third straight year, or another item they’d actually enjoy, a much better option is to buy them a present that slyly shows what you actually think of them. In other words: that you abhor them.

Here are 10 such last-minute, $15-or-less options.

“Murphy Brown”: The Complete First Season ($12.34)

What This Gift Says: “I hear you love “The Office.” Yeah? Then you’ll adore the first season of the original workplace comedy, “Murphy Brown.” You can thank me later.”

Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives: An All-American Road Trip…with Recipes! by Guy Fieri ($13.59)

What This Gift Says: I find you extremely loud and obnoxious and believe you would feel very comfortable following the advice of another extremely loud and obnoxious person. Also, you’re fat.

Regis Philbin: My Personal Workout [VHS] ($3.36)

What This Gift Says: You’re REALLY fat, and need advice on how to lose weight from a senile old man (and Gelman). You also likely still have a VCR.

Jon Gosselin gave an exclusive interview (or whatever that is) to RumorFix, during which he took some surprisingly reasonable shots at his ex-wife. Kate recently complained about her potential financial woes going forward now that her show is canceled, and Jon doesn’t want to hear any of it. He points out that she could get a regular job or sell the giant house, and that lots of people with kids get by without reality TV riches. He then goes on to talk abou-…

Wait a second. Kate’s show is canceled. Jon doesn’t have a show. This is a television blog. That means, since neither of them are actually on television anymore, I don’t have to waste another precious word discussing them on here. Maybe ever.

I’ll let this GIF sum up my feelings on this development.

GIF via Buzzfeed

Fresh off the delightful news that her show on TLC was being canceled, the big question on everyone’s mind is what’s next for America’s Sweetheart, Kate Gosselin. Well FEAR NOT everyone, I have some baseless speculation! Well, maybe not “baseless.” More just “stupid and dumb.” Oh hey, speaking of stupid and dumb, here’s what Kate Gosselin tweeted about her future plans:

I can’t wait2have the chance2challenge myself again w future endeavors!… And maybe even some dating??!!

Entertainment Weekly decoded that nonsense to mean something about dating, so they contacted the producer from “The Bachelor” for some unknown reason, who had this to say:

“Kate Gosselin? Sounds like a perfect fit for Bachelor Pad,” he wrote. “Or, H8R…”

Ok. No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We finally got this lady off TV, and you’re already making plans to put her back on? Come on, fella. You gotta let the wounds heal a little bit first. That said, I’ve come to terms with the fact that Kate Gosselin will be back on TV at some point, so allow me to make the following suggestions:

1) “Kate Gosselin’s Pie in the Face Variety Hour” – Kind of like “America’s Got Talent,” where variety acts go up on stage and perform a 2-3 minute routine of their choosing. But instead of being judged by a panel of washed up celebrities and ornery British people, every act just throws a pie in Kate Gosselin’s face when they’re done.

2) “Douche Bachelor” – Jon Gosselin chooses from twenty women to select his ideal mate. Kate Gosselin appears every 2-3 episodes to give her opinion on the women, and then everyone throws a pie in her face.

3) “H8R” – Admittedly, having Kate on the show where celebrities are matched up with their most adamant detractors wasn’t a terrible idea. Tons of people hate her. You could auction off the spot on the show to 4-5 people for a small fortune, and donate all the proceeds to charity. Then, naturally, BOOM pies in the face.

I think you see where I’m headed with this.

The exploits of Kate and Jon Gosselin on “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ — her bitchy and controlling, him sullen and passive-aggressive — were critical to TLC’s rise as America’s #1 network for freakshow reality programming. But the two filed for divorce over two years ago, and even the gossip magazines stopped covering their insipid lives. Nevertheless, TLC continued to churn out episodes of “Kate Plus 8″ — until now. TLC released the following statement:

TLC has decided not to renew another season of Kate Plus 8. By the end of this season Kate Plus 8 will have hit the 150 episode mark (including Jon & Kate Plus 8); an exceptional milestone. TLC hopes to check in with Kate and the family periodically with specials in the future. [via EW]

Hahahahaha. ”TLC hopes to check in with Kate” = “Peace out, bitch!”

Seriously, the only way this could possibly be better is if Child Protective Services took away her kids and gave custody of them to the San Diego Zoo. You could put those kids in a public exhibit with pythons and alligators, and I’d still call it a healthier and more responsible way to raise a family than fertility drugs and reality television.

Even though everyone with a conscience loathes Kate Gosselin, and even though the only thing Kate’s good at it is sucking the joy out of life, TLC has given her another show that will debut next fall.

It’s called “Twist of Kate.” [*clicks hammer back on revolver* -Ed.] Unable to legally show Gosselin parenting her own kids as originally planned, the network is announcing a new series at its upfront presentation in New York today where Gosselin travels the country to watch … other people parenting. And working too!

From the network: “In each episode, she’ll walk a mile in someone else’s shoes — meeting real families in the middle of their own extraordinary challenges. She’ll try out their jobs…see how their home life runs… see what they’re up against… and find out what they do to let off steam. Each family will have some unique circumstance that is a story in itself. As Kate gets to know them she’ll roll up her sleeves and see what she can do to help.”

I know what she can do to help: STFU and GTFO of the way. Oh, but wait — there’s more:

TLC also announced TWO more large family series — “Quintuplet Surprise” and “Carpio Family Project.” The former with a six-year-old daughter and five newborn babies, the latter with an eight-year-old son and 18-month-old sextuplets. All three shows are planned for the third quarter.

Kate Gosselin, who managed to make a tubby cheating douche in Ed Hardy shirts look sympathetic, couldn’t pick up the jive on “Dancing with the Stars,’ so of course it was her teacher Tony Dovolani’s fault. Fortunately for Tony, who is on his 9th season of “DWTS,” Kate helpfully informed him that he was teaching her incorrectly.

“Everyone involved in the show thinks Kate is impossible. We all feel very sorry that poor Tony got paired up with her. She talks to him as if he is her ninth child,” sources tell [PopEater]. “At one point things got so bad that Kate demand that the shows producers fire Tony and get her a new partner. However, everyone would rather get rid of her than Tony, who is loved by all the staff.”

During the 3/29 broadcast, video [above] showed Kate and Tony clashing during a rehearsal. Dovolani walked out on Gosselin after she questioned his technique, arguing that what he was teaching her was “wrong.” [..]

Tony has since apologized for his “quit” taunt, and now has decided he needs to keep on ‘Dancing’ no matter how “impossible” Kate may be. Unfortunately for the two, they scored just 15 out of 30 points, and may be eliminated this week.

The ballroom dancing on “Dancing with the Stars” isn’t difficult. Emmitt Smith, who was hit so many thousands of times by NFL linebackers and linemen that he barely speaks English now, actually WON the show. A chimpanzee with good posture could get a decent score. Hell, this Labrador retriever can do the mambo. Am I saying that Kate’s dumber than a yellow Lab? Let’s put it this way: of the two, only Kate deserves the label “stupid bitch.”

(video via WWTDD)

Here are highlights to the year set to auto-tune, and I’m posting this video because I love how shallow and TV-centric it is. Ah, 2009. Remember all the important things that happened? Like Jon & Kate Gosselin’s marriage falling apart, Lady Gaga, Kanye at the VMAs, Octomom, Spencer & Heidi, Christian Bale’s meltdown, and Balloon Boy? Oh right, and our new president! He killed that fly!

Barack Obama: Uh, I also won the Nobel Peace Prize.
America: The noble what now?

I apologize in advance for writing his story in the laziest, most uninteresting way possible, but it’s really not worth decent writing. It’s not even worth the time I put into the Photoshop, totally awesome though it may be.

So Jon Gosselin got fired from the show he’s on. Then he acted to halt the show’s filming. Now TLC is treating him like the bitch he is. TLC’s statement:

“We are aware of Jon Gosselin’s recent statements, and remain deeply disappointed at his continued erratic behavior. He and the family were shooting as recently as last Friday, without incident, and his latest comments are grossly inaccurate, without merit and are clearly opportunistic. Despite Jon Gosselin’s repeated self destructive and unprofessional actions, he remains under an exclusive contract with TLC. Direct filming of the children has been currently suspended, pending further conversations between both parents.”

Okay, that’s it from me. This show no longer exists to me. You’ll never have to read about Jon and Kate or their little mongoloid children ever again on this site. Unless something really, really terrible happens to them. And I’m not talking about cancellation. I’m talking freak thresher accident. Does anyone out there sell farm equipment? Can we get some more threshers sent to Pennsylvania?  Do me a solid here. Just leave the threshers idling around the Gosselin house.

Jon Gosselin has bitched forever how he didn’t really like being on “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” and it’s been obvious from the start that the show indulged Kate’s passion for getting free stuff and capitalizing on the way her dried-up reproductive system reacted to fertility drugs. So good news for everybody, because TLC fired Jon and the show will move forward as “Kate Plus Eight.”

The show will now “include a deeper focus on Kate’s role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life. TLC will continue its exclusive relationship with Jon Gosselin and he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family,” Eileen O’Neill, President and GM, TLC. “The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers.” [THR]

Jon’s story, of course, is more likely to resonate with VH1 viewers, who are going to love his new show “A Shot at Love with Jon Gosselin, Assuming You’re Slutty and within Arm’s Reach.”

Meanwhile, TLC hopes to find a quick replacement husband for Kate and is reportedly looking to change the Gosselin family to the Gosling family. “Hey girl, go ahead and do that book tour. Baby-sitting your kids is like spending time with 8 little pieces of you.”