Even though everyone with a conscience loathes Kate Gosselin, and even though the only thing Kate’s good at it is sucking the joy out of life, TLC has given her another show that will debut next fall.

It’s called “Twist of Kate.” [*clicks hammer back on revolver* -Ed.] Unable to legally show Gosselin parenting her own kids as originally planned, the network is announcing a new series at its upfront presentation in New York today where Gosselin travels the country to watch … other people parenting. And working too!

From the network: “In each episode, she’ll walk a mile in someone else’s shoes — meeting real families in the middle of their own extraordinary challenges. She’ll try out their jobs…see how their home life runs… see what they’re up against… and find out what they do to let off steam. Each family will have some unique circumstance that is a story in itself. As Kate gets to know them she’ll roll up her sleeves and see what she can do to help.”

I know what she can do to help: STFU and GTFO of the way. Oh, but wait — there’s more:

TLC also announced TWO more large family series — “Quintuplet Surprise” and “Carpio Family Project.” The former with a six-year-old daughter and five newborn babies, the latter with an eight-year-old son and 18-month-old sextuplets. All three shows are planned for the third quarter.

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Kate Gosselin, who managed to make a tubby cheating douche in Ed Hardy shirts look sympathetic, couldn’t pick up the jive on “Dancing with the Stars,’ so of course it was her teacher Tony Dovolani’s fault. Fortunately for Tony, who is on his 9th season of “DWTS,” Kate helpfully informed him that he was teaching her incorrectly.

“Everyone involved in the show thinks Kate is impossible. We all feel very sorry that poor Tony got paired up with her. She talks to him as if he is her ninth child,” sources tell [PopEater]. “At one point things got so bad that Kate demand that the shows producers fire Tony and get her a new partner. However, everyone would rather get rid of her than Tony, who is loved by all the staff.”

During the 3/29 broadcast, video [above] showed Kate and Tony clashing during a rehearsal. Dovolani walked out on Gosselin after she questioned his technique, arguing that what he was teaching her was “wrong.” [..]

Tony has since apologized for his “quit” taunt, and now has decided he needs to keep on ‘Dancing’ no matter how “impossible” Kate may be. Unfortunately for the two, they scored just 15 out of 30 points, and may be eliminated this week.

The ballroom dancing on “Dancing with the Stars” isn’t difficult. Emmitt Smith, who was hit so many thousands of times by NFL linebackers and linemen that he barely speaks English now, actually WON the show. A chimpanzee with good posture could get a decent score. Hell, this Labrador retriever can do the mambo. Am I saying that Kate’s dumber than a yellow Lab? Let’s put it this way: of the two, only Kate deserves the label “stupid bitch.”

(video via WWTDD)

Here are highlights to the year set to auto-tune, and I’m posting this video because I love how shallow and TV-centric it is. Ah, 2009. Remember all the important things that happened? Like Jon & Kate Gosselin’s marriage falling apart, Lady Gaga, Kanye at the VMAs, Octomom, Spencer & Heidi, Christian Bale’s meltdown, and Balloon Boy? Oh right, and our new president! He killed that fly!

Barack Obama: Uh, I also won the Nobel Peace Prize.
America: The noble what now?

I apologize in advance for writing his story in the laziest, most uninteresting way possible, but it’s really not worth decent writing. It’s not even worth the time I put into the Photoshop, totally awesome though it may be.

So Jon Gosselin got fired from the show he’s on. Then he acted to halt the show’s filming. Now TLC is treating him like the bitch he is. TLC’s statement:

“We are aware of Jon Gosselin’s recent statements, and remain deeply disappointed at his continued erratic behavior. He and the family were shooting as recently as last Friday, without incident, and his latest comments are grossly inaccurate, without merit and are clearly opportunistic. Despite Jon Gosselin’s repeated self destructive and unprofessional actions, he remains under an exclusive contract with TLC. Direct filming of the children has been currently suspended, pending further conversations between both parents.”

Okay, that’s it from me. This show no longer exists to me. You’ll never have to read about Jon and Kate or their little mongoloid children ever again on this site. Unless something really, really terrible happens to them. And I’m not talking about cancellation. I’m talking freak thresher accident. Does anyone out there sell farm equipment? Can we get some more threshers sent to Pennsylvania?  Do me a solid here. Just leave the threshers idling around the Gosselin house.

He’s like Obi-Wan, except a sh-ttier father figure

Jon Gosselin has bitched forever how he didn’t really like being on “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” and it’s been obvious from the start that the show indulged Kate’s passion for getting free stuff and capitalizing on the way her dried-up reproductive system reacted to fertility drugs. So good news for everybody, because TLC fired Jon and the show will move forward as “Kate Plus Eight.”

The show will now “include a deeper focus on Kate’s role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life. TLC will continue its exclusive relationship with Jon Gosselin and he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family,” Eileen O’Neill, President and GM, TLC. “The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers.” [THR]

Jon’s story, of course, is more likely to resonate with VH1 viewers, who are going to love his new show “A Shot at Love with Jon Gosselin, Assuming You’re Slutty and within Arm’s Reach.”

Meanwhile, TLC hopes to find a quick replacement husband for Kate and is reportedly looking to change the Gosselin family to the Gosling family. “Hey girl, go ahead and do that book tour. Baby-sitting your kids is like spending time with 8 little pieces of you.”