He’s like Obi-Wan, except a sh-ttier father figure

Jon Gosselin has bitched forever how he didn’t really like being on “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” and it’s been obvious from the start that the show indulged Kate’s passion for getting free stuff and capitalizing on the way her dried-up reproductive system reacted to fertility drugs. So good news for everybody, because TLC fired Jon and the show will move forward as “Kate Plus Eight.”

The show will now “include a deeper focus on Kate’s role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life. TLC will continue its exclusive relationship with Jon Gosselin and he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family,” Eileen O’Neill, President and GM, TLC. “The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers.” [THR]

Jon’s story, of course, is more likely to resonate with VH1 viewers, who are going to love his new show “A Shot at Love with Jon Gosselin, Assuming You’re Slutty and within Arm’s Reach.”

Meanwhile, TLC hopes to find a quick replacement husband for Kate and is reportedly looking to change the Gosselin family to the Gosling family. “Hey girl, go ahead and do that book tour. Baby-sitting your kids is like spending time with 8 little pieces of you.”

In what is widely being denounced as the “least sexy day in Warming Glow history,” reality TV harpy Kate Gosselin has reportedly been offered $400,000 to pose nude in Playboy. In a related story, my gag reflex can be triggered by my imagination.

The octomom is said to have received a $400,000 offer from Hef to take it all off for Playboy, but she doesn’t plan to reveal her lady bits in the nudie mag. [Ed. note: PHEW!]

“Hugh sent her a letter, but Kate was totally mortified and threw it away!” a source told Star Magazine. “She didn’t think it was appropriate because of the children.”

I’d like to think that this is the sort thing that’s patently false and just generated by Kate’s PR team to get her in the news cycle and bump Jon out of it, but who knows with Playboy any more.  If some dumb broad from a reality show moves copies of Us Magazine, Playboy will be there with six figures. Case in point. Playboy’s lost touch with everything that made it great so many years ago. That’s why I stick to snuff films now. It’s about the art.

(If you’re really upset about the photo cropping, get more Kate in a bikini here. Don’t worry, it comes with a side of Denise Milani.)

I hate Jon and Kate Gosselin stories way more than you do, but I’m relenting on my coverage ban on them because this is pretty gangsta: Jon is vacationing in St. Tropez with the DAUGHTER OF KATE’S PLATIC SURGEON.  And she’s 12 years younger than Kate.  Can we go to the judges?  Yep, that’s a burn.

Just weeks after splitting from his wife of 10 years, Jon Gosselin is back in the spotlight with a new career and a new girlfriend. Gosselin, 32, turned up in St. Tropez hand-in-hand with Hailey Glassman, the daughter of the plastic surgeon who performed Kate’s tummy tuck in 2006. The lovebirds spent the weekend along the French Riviera so Gosselin could finalize a deal to design his own line of children’s clothing with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier [on Audigier's yacht, no less]. Glassman will also have a hand in creating the kid-friendly fashions. “She’ll have a lot of input with Christian,” Gosselin told PEOPLE of Hailey’s involvement. “And I will, too.” [People via BWE]

I’m going to pretend for a moment that there aren’t eight children dealing with divorce right now, because that makes it way easier to say that this is AWESOME.  Even better: Hailey is your average pot-smoking, panty-flashing 22-year-old who crashes into potted plants.  He left the confines of his marriage with a stentorian control freak for the nearest party girl.  It’s so predictable and awful that I can’t help but feel an immense schadenfreude that makes me want to dance down the street and wave to strangers.

See you in hell, everyone!

While Jon and Kate Gosselin go through the ugly business of divorce, they’ve entered a rare period of media silence while their show goes on an unexpected hiatus.  And so Monday’s episode was a look back on their ten years of marriage that highlighted primarily the bright moments, which spurred Jezebel to make this video, a clip filled with signs of relationship doom. 

The immediate take on this is “Wow, Kate’s the most controlling awful bitch on the planet.”   And maybe she is.  But there’s also something to be said for Jon’s mastery of passive-aggressive behavior and lack of interest in raising eight toddlers. Hell, Jon wasn’t excited about having a third kid, then she was all,  “Surprise, we’re having six more!”  I’m not a marriage counselor, but I do like pointing out obvious things, so I think that might have been a turning point in the relationship.

Photo editing for the Web: let tasteful restraint be your guide

Devastating, shocking, unexpected news on Jon & Kate Plus 8 last night: Jon and Kate Gosselin have filed for divorce after ten years of marriage.  Please, everyone: try to contain your grief.  Your tears can’t heal this rift.

Fans who have watched the couple’s popular TLC show – or read the voluminous coverage of the Gosselin marriage in the press – will hardly be surprised: The duo had long maintained a tense relationship, with Jon recently telling PEOPLE he wanted a less high-profile life, while Kate appeared to remain committed to their TV career. [People]

Obviously, divorce — no matter how much it may be a necessity for the parties involved — is a sad event when children are involved.  The important thing to remember for the kids — if you little Gosselins are reading this — is that Mommy and Daddy would have stayed in love if the sextuplets had never been born.  KIDDING.  Just kidding, you adorable matching children.  The real truth is that your mother is a monster.

Below, Conan O’Brien’s awesome take on the Gosselins from last night’s “Tonight Show.”

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