The ABC sitcoms are all in reruns tonight, which is the universe’s way of telling you to go to a local pub trivia contest, read a book, hit up your Netflix account, or surf for porn. If none of those choices appeal to you, here are your meager television choices:

Touch (Fox) — Series preview. Kiefer Sutherland stars as a widowed father whose autistic, mute son can predict events through patterns in numbers. The good news? This is a preview episode airing two months before it’s official premiere, which suggests that the network has a lot of faith in it. The bad news? It comes from Tim Kring, the guy behind “Heroes,” so even if it starts strong, it’s likely to fall apart midway through the first season.

CSI (CBS) — It’s Marg Helgenberger’s last episode. Tomorrow, the TV Gods will repossess her plastic surgery.

Royal Pains — Quick! Without looking it up, who was the star of the ill-fated NBC sitcom “Good Morning, Miami”? Mark Feuerstein or Breckin Meyer? And which one was the star of the ill-fated NBC sitcom, “Inside Schwartz”? And is Breckin Meyer the poor man’s Mark Feuerstein or is it the other way around?

Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy: Extreme American Critters (History) — More evidence to support Danger’s thesis that Cable TV is Full of Liars.

Face Off (SyFy) — I had heretofore never heard of this show, but for a reality show, it sounds cool. It’s about a group of prosthetic makeup artists who compete against each other to create prostheses like those found in science fiction and horror films, like the header image above, which is actually a picture of Marg Helgenberger after her plastic surgery has been repossessed.

Last month, Kiefer Sutherland confirmed that the “24″ movie will be released in theaters in 2012. And now Hollywood super-producer Brian Grazer (inset) has announced that he’s on board to produce the film.

“Got off the phone Keifer yesterday and we are very excited about producing the 24 movie for next year,” he tweeted.

Grazer’s involvement makes sense since Imagine Entertainment, the company he co-owns with Ron Howard, produced the long running action drama for Fox. [Inside TV]

So I guess quoting tweets has become so commonplace that media outlets no longer use sic to point out glaring word omissions and typos, huh? Oh well, I guess I should get off the good grammar ship before it syncs to the bottom of the ocean. From here on out, I’ll be unphased by my misuse of homophones.

ANYWAY, the “24″ movie. Always nice to see a powerful guy like Brian Glazer involved. That guy looks like such a straight shooter. So calm and collected. I bet he’s never even seen cocaine.

Kiefer Sutherland was spotted enthusiastically discussing (or, “canoodling”) the tentatively-planned “24″ movie with award-winning director and producer Ron Howard at a Times Square restaurant this week.  I’m a big fan of the early days of 24, but I’m getting this information from the New York Post, so forgive me if it gets to vague and starts sounding like espionage.

A spy (see, already) for the New York Post told them that Kiefer was “excited about how much more they could do for ’24′ with a movie format than they could ever do on television.”  So does that mean boobs?  Gore?  Extraneous cursing outside of DVD special features?  The spy also reported that the lunch lasted a long time, the waiters were big fans of 24, and that Sutherland “dined on a cheeseburger.”  At some point during this article I’m hoping he uses the cheeseburger to break the neck of one of the waiters.

I’m all for a 24 movie, especially if it thrusts Elisha Cuthbert back into the spotlight, films her in 3-D and then has her get attacked by forest creatures. The problem is that there is already a pretty good 24 movie out called “Taken.”  Also, the fact that they forgot how to properly write that show like four years ago.

[NY Post]

"I'm here for the gang bang?"

I tuned out of “24″ earlier this season (because it sucked), and it’s my loss because the show is getting a full head of steam as it nears the series finale. In case you’re not following the show, Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) has deemed that the former president is an enemy of the United States, and yadda yadda yadda, he dons full body armor and conducts a one-man ambush of the ex-commander-in-chief’s motorcade. (And he does it successfully — without reloading — which suggests that budget cuts must have eliminated the SUVs with miniguns that are part of a presidential motorcade.)

The entire gunfightin’, pistol-whippin’, tear gas-trappin’ video is embedded below, thanks to the Flint Skinny. Watch it now, as Fox is pretty gung ho about making copyright claims that ruin all of our viewing fun. If it becomes unavailable, you can watch the whole episode on Hulu.

Read the rest of this entry »

This picture isn’t actually from last night, but as far as photo documentation of Drunk Jack Bauer goes, nothing can really approach it.

About last night, though.

[Kiefer] Sutherland [was] driven to Stringfellows lapdancing club, where an insider said: “He went bananas, shouting nonsense and dancing like Peter Crouch before kicking off when asked to leave.”

[...] He [fell] into the street outside his hotel, giggling and with his jacket unbuttoned.

Jack’s girlfriend was killed in the most recent episode of 24. This is perfect — now we get to see what Season 1 denied us. His wife died, he started sobbing, the clock hit midnight, and we didn’t get to observe the immediate aftermath. This time around, we’re treated to eight bonus hours of Jack Bauer running through New York City, creating a river of terrorist/traitor blood. The least realistic thing about 24 — except, perhaps, for terrorists taking refuge in “the mountainous terrain” of Iowa — is that in spite of all the horrible things he’s endured, Jack Bauer has not yet become a raging alcoholic.

I don’t need any more plot twists from this show. I don’t need Zombie David Palmer to rise out of the waters and kill the shadowy guys in the boat from the end of Season 2. What I need is for Jack Bauer to stumble around with a bottle of Evan Williams and a crowbar, searching the streets of Manhattan for the guy who killed Renee. You know, World’s Least Competent Pervert Assassin.