This picture isn’t actually from last night, but as far as photo documentation of Drunk Jack Bauer goes, nothing can really approach it.

About last night, though.

[Kiefer] Sutherland [was] driven to Stringfellows lapdancing club, where an insider said: “He went bananas, shouting nonsense and dancing like Peter Crouch before kicking off when asked to leave.”

[...] He [fell] into the street outside his hotel, giggling and with his jacket unbuttoned.

Jack’s girlfriend was killed in the most recent episode of 24. This is perfect — now we get to see what Season 1 denied us. His wife died, he started sobbing, the clock hit midnight, and we didn’t get to observe the immediate aftermath. This time around, we’re treated to eight bonus hours of Jack Bauer running through New York City, creating a river of terrorist/traitor blood. The least realistic thing about 24 — except, perhaps, for terrorists taking refuge in “the mountainous terrain” of Iowa — is that in spite of all the horrible things he’s endured, Jack Bauer has not yet become a raging alcoholic.

I don’t need any more plot twists from this show. I don’t need Zombie David Palmer to rise out of the waters and kill the shadowy guys in the boat from the end of Season 2. What I need is for Jack Bauer to stumble around with a bottle of Evan Williams and a crowbar, searching the streets of Manhattan for the guy who killed Renee. You know, World’s Least Competent Pervert Assassin.

This was news yesterday, but I didn’t get around to it because I was busy with more important television news, like dogs in raincoats and Burrito the golfing chihuahua. But yes, it seems as though the eighth season of Fox’s “24″ presently airing will be its last:

Studio and network execs declined comment — but it’s believed that the final decision will be made in the next day or two… The cost of producing “24” has continued to increase, while ratings have dipped. A one-time critical darling, “24” has also received its share of knocks from reviewers this season.

I could probably make some lame generalization about how Americans aren’t craving a counter-terrorism action drama quite the way they were immediately after 9/11, but what it comes down to is that eight seasons of just about any show is enough. Also, just for good measure, I feel like I should point out the lede to that Variety story:

Tick, tick, tick, BONG!!!!

Pretty innovative, right? I’m going to start opening  my posts like that: *bike horn* *bike horn* *bike horn* YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Fox’s hit show “24″ is presently in its eighth season, still chugging along nicely (minus the Katee Sackhoff story line) with the real-time conceit that  it uses to jack up the intensity in the fictitious saga of Jack Bauer’s battle against terrorism. And now, with talk of the present season being the last, Fox is turning its attention to making the franchise into a feature film.

Twentieth Century Fox’s film and TV studios are conspiring to finally bring hit television series “24″ to the bigscreen. The film side has hired scribe Billy Ray (“State of Play,” “Flightplan”) to pen the script for the feature version. Ray’s pitch, which takes Jack Bauer to Europe, was a hit with Fox execs and producers of the high-concept television series…

The allure of spinning a popular TV series into a bigscreen film is hard to ignore for studio execs, since there is a built-in audience and brand awareness; “24″ has also been a mammoth hit for the studio in foreign markets, which suggests that a feature adaptation would travel well. [Variety]

As much as the phrases “built-in audience” and “brand awareness” make me want to nut-punch someone with an MBA, I can’t help but admit that I like the real-time concept better for a movie than for a TV show. As successful as the TV series is, I always have a hard time swallowing that more people aren’t sleeping between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. I’ve gone a full day without sleep many times in my life, and I can assure you that by hour number 24 it’s much more likely that I’m hallucinating than I am stopping a terrorist plot. But then, I probably do more peyote than Jack Bauer.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT!!?!?!?

Tech geeks are furiously masturbating about today’s unveiling of the new Apple Tablet (or iSlate, or iPad, or whatever Steve Jobs has decided to call it), and it won’t be long until the new product finds its way onto television. Not only will Apple give us slick commercials set to infectious indie music, but we’ll also see the iPad on “24″ by the end of the season. These are tweets from Rodney Charters, the Director of Photography on “24″:

“Hmmmm looks like we may get an iSlate into Jacks hands for Ep 20 getting giddy with excitement”
“Got a bit too excited probably more likely Episode 22 but Apple provided fingers crossed”

I used to have a job where I had to watch TV and record all the product placements that happened (and then write survey questions about them). There were all sorts of data to record, like if a primary or second character touched the product, how long the product was on-screen, and whether or not the product was used “as intended.” For example, if someone drinks from a can of Coke, that’s its intended use. If they throw the can of Coke at someone’s head, that’s not the intended use. Long story short, I want to see Jack Bauer beat someone to death with an Apple iPad.

[via TastySlate]

For those of you who didn’t see the return of Renee (Annie Wersching) on last night’s “24″ and are worried about spoilers, I can tell you this much: this guy’s hand does NOT get sawed off. But what happens next is pretty awesome, so if you don’t want it spoiled, stop reading now.

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