Two weeks ago, Lowe’s pulled its advertising from the TLC show “All-American Muslim.” Why? Because some nutjob fringe group, the Florida Family Association, claimed that the families depicted in the show were too ordinary, and that the show sought to humanize Muslims instead of showing Muslims for what they really are: People who pose a “clear and present danger to the liberties…that the majority of Americans cherish.”

One of the many problems with Florida Family Association, besides blatant bigotry, xenophobia, and general jackassery is that it’s ignoring a much bigger, far more bigger threat to American values, one that is sitting right under their nose: The Mawfacking Kardashians. No, the Kardashians don’t blow themselves up in churches (nor do 99.99 percent of Muslims), but the Kardashians brand of terrorism is more insidious: It’s cultural. It’s mainstream. It’s accepted. And it’s wildly popular. The Kardashians, with their big a**es, their sex tapes, their defiant stupidity, and their eager fame-whoring, are inserting themselves into American popular culture, insulting our collecting intelligence, holding themselves up as role models, and profiting — hugely — from an image of spoiled, lazy, untalented airheaded brats. In fact, Kim is reportedly being paid $600,000 to go to a party in Tao on New Year’s Eve. That poor woman. LIFE IS SO HARD. Oh, and the Kardashians also use child labor to manufacture their products, because of course they do. Louis C.K. makes a million dollars and gives away 78 percent of it; Kim Kardashian makes 11-year-old Chinese girls work 16 hours a day for $2.

How do we make it stop? We take the same approach the Florida Family Association took: Boycott the many retailers and brands that support the Kardashians. That’s just what the website, Boycott Kim, has sought to do.

Boycott Kim Kardashian and all that she stands for by going after those who hire her and give her incentive to continue to pollute our culture. Kim Kardashian has already shown us she will say, do, and sink lower daily as long as her unjustified fifteen minutes of fame continue and so long as brands still continue to hire her to sell their products. Please join us in pledging to boycott the brands and stores listed on this site.

It’s not really that hard, or at least no more difficult that being a Kardashian. Sign the petition, stop watching E! Entertainment (except for Talk Soup, of course), don’t buy Sketchers, and don’t buy her skanky perfume. And for God’s sake, stop masturbating to her sex tape. Your penis deserves better.

Pictured: Artist's rendering of divorce

You know what saying always bugged me? “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” It’s like, uh, yeah. You know who else shouldn’t throw stones? People who live in ANY house. Sure, the stones might not shatter your walls or roof, but still, you can’t just huck rocks all over the place — even if you live in a castle. You could break your TV, or your laptop, or maybe accidentally donk your roommate or significant other right in the face. Try to collect their share of the cable bill after that. AWK-ward.

If you ask me, maybe the saying should be something more like “People with deviant sexual fetishes shouldn’t live in glass houses.” That way they won’t creep out their neighbors. Unless, like, your fetish is to be an exhibitionist and you WANT everyone to see what kind of weird business you’re up to in there. Then maybe you should live in a glass house. But at least consider living somewhere a little more secluded if you’re gonna do that. I mean, this is America and you have a lot of freedom, but that doesn’t mean you can just sit around in your glass house with your ding-a-ling out in the middle of a neighborhood. There are kids around, you know? So I guess really the saying should be “Don’t throw stones and go live in the woods if you want to be a creep.” Yeah, that’s much more practical. I’m glad we settled that.

Admittedly, none of this has anything to do with that dingus Kris Humphries or his moronic “man cave,” but if I had actually tried to write about that I would have ended up throwing my computer into traffic. Plus, I think this was an important discussion to have. Thank you for your time.

Sup.

According to documents obtained by TMZ, Kris Humphries has responded to Kim Kardashian’s divorce petition by seeking an annulment. In the filing, he claims the marriage was a fraud.

Here is a picture I made of Rawls from “The Wire” giving McNulty cupcakes instead of middle fingers.

These are for you, McNulty. I baked them myself.

This is a video of Kim Kardashian’s mother, Kris, appearing on “The View” to promote her new book or perfume or fashion line or hair products or shoes or form-fitting feminine undergarments or whatever. Naturally, the subject of Kim’s divorce came up, and Kris began to cry while discussing it.

Here is a drawing I made of a dinosaur.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were paid almost $18 million to get married. $15M for E! to televise it, $2.5M for exclusive photo rights to People Magazine, $300K for exclusive engagement announcement to People, $100K for bridal shower to OK!, and $50K for the bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Then you figure in the freebies: $400K of Perrier Jouet Champagne, three $20K Vera Wang gowns, a $15K wedding cake, $10K in lavish invitations, and more — all free. After 72 days of marriage, Kim filed for divorce.

As people with working cerebral cortices rightfully called out Kim’s marriage for being a money-making sham, E! and the Kardashian Kompany went into defense mode: E! released a statement denying any such claim as “completely false” — while at the same time adding re-runs of the wedding to its schedule. Mom Kris Kardashian took a break from hawking her new book to defend Kim, telling baldfaced lies across multiple channels that Kim made no money off the wedding. And Kim herself went on to her blog to say what a starry-eyed romantic she is:

Read the rest of this entry »