Today’s top story in “misleading headlines” is the death of Joseph Cerniglia, a chef and restaurateur who was abused by Gordon Ramsay on “Kitchen Nightmares.” Cerniglia, 39, jumped off the George Washington Bridge on Friday. His body was later found floating in the Hudson River. And in a nice example of foreshadowing…

“Your business is about to f–king swim down the Hudson,” the brash Brit berated Cerniglia, a married dad of three who lived in Pompton Lakes.

But that’s not the first time Ramsay sapped someone’s will to live.

The first person to star in a Ramsay show and then kill herself was chef Rachel Brown. Brown, 41, competed on Ramsay’s “Hell’s Kitchen”  in 2006… She shot herself to death in her family’s Dallas home a year later.

In all fairness, the restaurant industry can be a brutal, stressful business, so it’s not really fair to blame Ramsay for people committing suicide. Besides, when you have as many reality shows as Ramsay does, some people are going to die from the same causes. Statistics like that are gonna happen. But I wish reality shows caused similar deaths. I’d be cool with everyone who’s ever been on “American Idol” dying of AIDS. It would be a shame to lose cute girls like Carrie Underwood and Katherine McPhee, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay.

Kitchen Nightmares (BBC America) — Season finale. When a woman has as many reality shows as Gordon Ramsay does, we call her a whore.

Mary Knows Best (Syfy) — Series premiere. Here’s the premise from Yahoo: “Meet Mary Occhino: a radio host, psychic, and mother of three grown kids. A few of her offspring are following in her footsteps — one of them is a reluctant psychic, and another is a paranormal investigator — but the third is a skeptic.” That description is so textbook sitcom-y that I can’t even tell if this is scripted or a reality show. Probably the latter. It’s cheaper, after all.

Boston Med (ABC) — A few weeks back, I joked that the title fit in nicely with “Boston Public” and “Boston Legal,” and that the only thing missing was “Boston Police.” Then sexy fried food enthusiast Becky emailed to point out that “Boston’s Finest” once existed, but never made it past the pilot stage. Oh, Hollywood, thank you for being you.

Futurama (Comedy Central) — I still can’t make myself a fan of this show. Like, I can watch it and enjoy it if it’s on, but I’m never like, “Man, I gotta watch ‘Futurama’!” But I’m happy for you if you like it.

Big Brother 12 (CBS) — Live! Oh my gosh, who’s going to get voted off? I have no idea, because I have no idea who’s even on the show. But if I had to guess, I’d say either the muscular guy or the attractive in-shape girl.

Celebrity chef and “Hell’s Kitchen” star Gordon Ramsay made lots of friends in Australia this weekend, where he launched into an unprompted tirade against Aussie news anchor Tracy Grimshaw in front of thousands at the Good Food and Wine Show in Melbourne.  Ramsay called Grimshaw an ugly lesbian and, well, read for yourself:

When the crowd reacted with gasps, he said: “What? I’m not saying she’s a d—,” using a slur for gay women.

Ramsay also showed a picture of a woman — who appeared to be naked — on her hands and knees with the features of a pig and multiple breasts.  “That’s Tracy Grimshaw,” he told the audience. “I had an interview with her yesterday. Holy crap. She needs to see Simon Cowell’s Botox doctor.” [...]

Ramsay appeared on Nine’s “A Current Affair” and was interviewed by Grimshaw on Friday night.  During the interview, he commented on Grimshaw’s facial mole, asking: “Is that a wart? It looks like your little sister’s on your lip.”

Okay, so all of that was wrong to say, but can we get back to the picture he held up?  A picture of a naked woman on her hands and knees with a pig’s face and multiple breasts?  I’m really intrigued by that.  Like, why does Gordon Ramsay even have that picture?  How did he get it?  Because let me be the first to tell you, it doesn’t pop up on a Google Image Search of “naked pig woman.”

“I held a fish THIS big.”  Sure ya did buddy.

Noted TV chef/asshole Gordon Ramsay has bragged about his brief pro soccer career with Scottish team Glasgow Rangers, claiming he played three games with the club before getting cut loose after an injury.  In an exposé tastefully headlined “F-ing Liar!”, News of the World reveals that Ramsay lied about it all.

Ramsay NEVER “signed” for the Glasgow giants and NEVER played first team games for them—despite saying so on radio, in his autobiography and in a series of interviews.

In fact, he was such a liar fellow cooks nicknamed him “Billy Bull***t” —and he even secretly confessed to top chef Marco Pierre White that his Rangers career was boloney, adding: “But it just came out of my mouth and it was a good story at the time” [...]

“He was never a signed player for us and certainly didn’t play any first team games and wasn’t offered any sort of contract—it’s all complete and utter nonsense,” [Rangers historian Robert McElroy] insists.

This is an immensely boring story, but the point is: Gordon Ramsay is a total asshole, and we non-assholes need to always be aware of assholes’ mistakes and never let them live it down.  Like, A-Rod did steroids five years ago?  What a bastard.  Someone burn that guy’s house down already.

[Unprofessional Foul]