Louie (FX) – Every Thursday I tell myself that maybe I won’t watch this show because I’m not in the mood to feel uncomfortable, then I watch it and am blown away. (Alan Sepinwall’s take here.) Louis CK is also on “Conan” tonight, so you can watch this at 11pm, then jump over to catch his interview there.

Jersey Shore (MTV) – Despite being a wholly artificial story concocted to drum up publicity, I will continue to follow the Abercrombie/MTV donnybrook like it’s the Cuban Missile Crisis, if only so I can do more bro-y posts about it.

LA Ink (TLC) – Oh hey, this show got canceled today.

Children’s Hospital/NTSF:SD:SUV:: (Cartoon Network) – More comedies should be fifteen minutes. I get more legitimate laughs out of Children’s Hospital than almost anything else on TV.

Man v. Food (Travel Channel) – I covered this on my Tumblr a while back, but the guy on this show who does all the eating challenges must do unholy things to hotel toilets like 5-6 times a week.

Burn Notice/Suits (USA) – Remember yesterday when I said the brother on “Royal Pains” was the most unlikable character on television? I take it back. It’s everyone on “Suits.” I don’t want to be a lawyer, you guys.

After the jump, the video for “Holding Out for a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler, because it is one of the most ridiculous music videos ever and I want to share it with you.

LA Ink (TLC) — Fun fact: Kat Von D is the most attractive woman on this entire network. Take that for what it’s worth. (image via)

Community (NBC) — The incredibly talented (big tits) Katharine McPhee guest stars as Pierce’s stepdaughter. The rest of NBC’s two-hour block of comedies is all-new as well.

The Marriage Ref (NBC) — Madonna, Larry David, and Ricky Gervais are tonight’s panelists. Someone at GQ actually had the gumption to call this show genius, and so I’m finally compelled to watch it and make my own opinion. Here’s to hoping I hate it!

The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central) — Andy Samberg guest stars as Sarah’s imaginary friend. Before that, on “Important Things with Demetri Martin, ” Ellie Kemper (Erin from “The Office”) appears in a skit that made me laugh.

Archer (FX) — I have to check my math, but I think this is the second-to-last episode of the season. Luckily, I enjoy the reruns almost as much as the original episodes.

American Idol (Fox) — This week I had to unfollow someone on Twitter because she kept tweeting about “Idol.” I would like to publicly apologize to that person: I’m sorry. I tried to deal with it, but I just couldn’t handle it. The show is on THREE F*CKING TIMES A WEEK.

Sober House with Dr. Drew (VH1) — Worst. Party. Ever.

LA Ink (TLC) — Winter premiere (show’s been on hiatus since October). Kat von D is basically the Painted Lady at the state fair, yet she doesn’t even crack the Top 50 of TLC’s Biggest Freaks.

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) — As a challenge to myself, and to make sure I wasn’t being unfair to the show, I forced myself to watch the last 25 minutes of this last week. I won’t make that mistake again. Holy crap this show sucks out loud. It is every bit the saccharine mini-chick flick I always call it.

Burn Notice (USA) — A “burn notice” is what I send you after I call your mom a whore in a new and inventive way.

Archer (FX) — “I’ll scrape all your mishaps into a pile and knit a onesie for it.”

Important Things with Demetri Martin (Comedy Central) — I haven’t said much about the new season so far, and it’s kind of a crime that I didn’t do a post about Bruce the Funny Dog. If you didn’t see the skit when it aired, watch it below.

L.A. Ink (TLC) — In an unsurprising but still despicable move, TLC has force-fed “Rock of Love” cast-off Aubry Fisher (this girl — woof) into the cast, and she apparently makes the show terrible.  And yet… Kat Von D.  RAWR.  I don’t want to be attracted to her, but I am powerless to resist her charms.  What can I say, I was molested as a child by the Painted Lady at the carnival.

Big Brother (CBS) — Wow, here’s proof that I don’t watch CBS: this is the premiere for the ELEVENTH iteration of this show.  I think I’ve seen maybe three-quarters of an episode once.  Anyway, this is the one with nerds versus jocks versus freaks or whatever.  Yawn.

PitchMen (Discovery) — It’s a tribute to Billy Mays tonight, with interviews and special footage of the deceased pitchman.  **pours out OxiClean**

Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Lost Footage (Bravo) — Yes, the season ended.  Yes, Bravo aired an hour-long “director’s cut” of a single table-flipping scene.  Yes, there was a two-part reunion to talk about the season.  But this is previously unaired footage!  This is everything that wasn’t good enough to be in the actual episodes!  Thanks, Bravo!

Samantha Who? (CBS) — Back-to-back new episodes.  I guess I should watch this one of these days so I can tell you whether it’s worth your time or not, but why should I take the hit for you?  Kill your own brain cells; I need mine.

Burn Notice (USA) — There should be a federal law requiring at least one hour-long action/drama be set in Miami at all times.  We’ve got “Burn Notice” and “CSI: Miami.”  Our cup runneth over, America.