“Hey, did you hear about this? This is in the news: the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, passed away on Saturday. Yup, yup, it’s true. They say he SMALL JOKE while WEARING SUNGLASSES, and it’s rumored that AMERICAN POP CULTURE CELEBRITY will take over.”

I hate late night monologues. Just everything about them: the set-up, the formula, the body swaying to indicate an “I’m just joking” demeanor, the conversational asides in the middle of the joke, the repetition of certain words and names, and most of all, the oh-so-topical punchlines. I don’t usually watch “Letterman” or “Kimmel” or even “Conan,” simply because I can’t stand the first 10 minutes of every show (I also don’t watch the other 50 when it comes to “Leno.”) The text above, that’s pretty much the route every late-night host took to tell their Kim Jong-il’s dead joke(s) last night. But can you match the joke with said host? No cheating! Here’s the first, with the other three — as well as the answers— after the jump.

Well, in North Korea, they announced the passing of their supreme leader Kim Jong-il, and his younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could be passed down to Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong-il and Khloe Jong-il…And Michele Bachmann, foreign affairs not her strong suit, when she was told of the Supreme Leader’s death, she said, “I didn’t even know Diana Ross was sick.” And Rick Perry, y’know, Rick Perry, Rick Perry didn’t fare much better. When he was told about Kim Jong-il, he said, “I never heard of him. Then again, I don’t listen to that rap music.”

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A little something for the ladies...

Hot off the news that excitable British buccaneer Russell Brand would be getting his own animated show on FOX comes this: He will also be getting his own late-night show at FX. Just what the wealthy man married to a busty pop star ten years his junior needs: MORE OF EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME $$$$$$$. A Christmas miracle, indeed.

The untitled six-episode, half-hour series will premiere in the spring. The concept is still being tweaked but the taped show will feature Brand on stage in front of live audience, making commentary on a variety of topics from current events, politics and pop culture and interacting with audience members. “We’re very excited to add Russell Brand’s bracingly funny, original, and honest voice to the FX comedy line-up,” said FX’s EVP original programming Nick Grad. “We look forward to supporting Russell and his partner Troy Miller’s ambition to strip down the hosted comedy format to its most fundamental elements and to create something daring and unfiltered for the FX audience.” [Deadline]

It’s got to be the accent, right? I mean, it’s not that Russell Brand is entirely unfunny or anything, but… two shows? Really? I swear to God, it is AMAZING what you can get away with in America if you have a British accent. Russell Brand bounces around stage saying creepy sexual stuff to our women, Simon Cowell insults our singers and bickers with our loopy former Laker Girls (a treasured American resource), and we just keep throwing money at them. Hugh Grant could burn my damn house down, and, as long as he did that thing where he goes “Right right. I terribly sorry” while looking at his shoes and running his fingers through his hair, I’d probably forgive him before all the smoke cleared.

This has to stop. Let’s have some self-respect, America.

When you’re a politician, you enter a dimension of reality where people criticize you for having beliefs that don’t line up with their own. That’s what happened last week to Tea Party presidential hopeful Michele Bachman, when she appeared on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” and the Roots played a Fishbone song called “Lyin’ Ass Bitch.” Bachmann seized on the opportunity to politicize the moment, demanding an apology from NBC and saying that Michelle Obama would never be treated like that. So NBC apologized, but Bachmann is unsatisfied because it wasn’t from the PRESIDENT of NBC.

Doug Vaughn, NBC’s senior vice president for special programs, wrote Bachmann a personal letter on Wednesday. He called the show’s choice to play a snippet of Fishbone’s “Lyin’ Ass B—-” as she walked on the show both “unfortunate” and “unacceptable.”

“Of course I accept the apology but my guess is that it would have been the president of the NBC that would have been apologizing not a senior vice president,” had a liberal, like Michelle Obama been the guest, she told KLIF radio in Dallas on Friday. [NY Daily News]

Jesus Everloving Christ. “Of course I accept the apology, but I kind of expected it to be printed on a GOLDEN PAPYRUS SCROLL.” How the hell is it possible that FEWER politicians are assassinated now than 50 years ago?

I don’t give a rat’s ass about this story, but it’s been all over the news cycle and I can’t ignore it any more. So here goes.

• On Monday, Ol’ Crazy Eyes Michele Bachmann was a guest on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”
• For her entrance, the Roots played a Fishbone song called “Lyin’ Ass Bitch.” (video)
• Fallon apologized on Twitter, but has still been criticized for the song, which was The Roots played without the knowledge of “Late Night” staff.
• Roots drummer ?uestlove, who tipped off viewers to the song’s title with hints on Twitter, said that the song was intended to be tongue-in-cheek.
• Bachmann hasn’t gotten an official apology from NBC, so of course she took the opportunity to be politically divisive: “If that song had been played for Michelle Obama, I have no doubt that NBC would have apologized to her.”

If there’s a lesson here, it’s that politicians are the absolute worst late-night guests. Why bother getting embroiled in a mess like this when there are so many dogs that can do entertaining tricks? Hell, the dogs don’t even have to do tricks. I’d rather watch Jimmy Fallon pet a golden retriever for five minutes than watch him try to be interested in what Bachmann’s saying. This story blows goats.

Guys, I hate to be so casually manipulated like this, but “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” taped Alison Brie as she fielded some questions from Twitter while she was backstage at the late-night show. And starting at the 3:20 mark in the video below, she talks about her boobs. And that’s just not fair for me. Even though it’s not a terribly interesting video, I can’t not post video of Alison Brie discussing her breasts while wearing a low-cut top. My hands are tied, people.

Anyway, it’s not ALL about her ample bosom crafted by God’s hands. She also discuss her favorite place in Ann Arbor (The Jolly Pumpkin), who would win a fight between her “Mad Men” and “Community” characters, her favorite wardrobe piece from “Mad Men,” blah blah blah. Then she says, “It would be constant boob time for me and my own boobs,” and everything else just fades out of the picture. Enjoy.

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