“Hey, did you hear about this? This is in the news: the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, passed away on Saturday. Yup, yup, it’s true. They say he SMALL JOKE while WEARING SUNGLASSES, and it’s rumored that AMERICAN POP CULTURE CELEBRITY will take over.”

I hate late night monologues. Just everything about them: the set-up, the formula, the body swaying to indicate an “I’m just joking” demeanor, the conversational asides in the middle of the joke, the repetition of certain words and names, and most of all, the oh-so-topical punchlines. I don’t usually watch “Letterman” or “Kimmel” or even “Conan,” simply because I can’t stand the first 10 minutes of every show (I also don’t watch the other 50 when it comes to “Leno.”) The text above, that’s pretty much the route every late-night host took to tell their Kim Jong-il’s dead joke(s) last night. But can you match the joke with said host? No cheating! Here’s the first, with the other three — as well as the answers— after the jump.

Well, in North Korea, they announced the passing of their supreme leader Kim Jong-il, and his younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could be passed down to Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong-il and Khloe Jong-il…And Michele Bachmann, foreign affairs not her strong suit, when she was told of the Supreme Leader’s death, she said, “I didn’t even know Diana Ross was sick.” And Rick Perry, y’know, Rick Perry, Rick Perry didn’t fare much better. When he was told about Kim Jong-il, he said, “I never heard of him. Then again, I don’t listen to that rap music.”

Hey guys, huge international news, you guys. Kim Jong-il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hated us, that guy. He passed away over the weekend, and get this: his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong-un, is taking over. It won’t be easy, because he’s got some big sunglasses to fill. It’s going to be tough.

Hey, here’s something: you know that Kim Jong-il, you know who I’m talking about? The evil dictator of North Korea? Guess what: dropped dead. Yup, yeah. Thank you, Seal Team Six. Now everyone’s worried who’s going to take over for Kim Jong-il. They think it’s going to be his son, Kim W.-il. He’s also survived by his daughter, Kim Jong-dashian. And just about now, Osama bin Laden is probably showing Kim Jong-il around Hell. So now the only tiny tyrant left is Mayor Bloomberg.

Gotta talk about this shocking news. Big, big story. Kim Jong-il died yesterday. You all heard about that, right? They have not named his successor yet, but the rumor is that it’s going to be Ryan Seacrest. That guy gets EVERYTHING, and he says he can fit it into his schedule. This is the latest: yesterday North Korea leader Kim Jong-il died of a heart attack. That was the cause. No one knows what triggered it, but he apparently had a lot of money riding on the Denver Broncos. Crazy, strange facts are coming out about Kim Jong-il today: it’s being reported, this is true, that schoolchildren in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong-il did not urinate or defecate. That’s true, yeah, so today, most schoolchildren just assumed that their Fearless Leader exploded.

Answers below this picture of Jay Leno giving Krusty a bath:

1. Leno; 2. Fallon; 3. Letterman; 4. Conan

A little something for the ladies...

Hot off the news that excitable British buccaneer Russell Brand would be getting his own animated show on FOX comes this: He will also be getting his own late-night show at FX. Just what the wealthy man married to a busty pop star ten years his junior needs: MORE OF EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME $$$$$$$. A Christmas miracle, indeed.

The untitled six-episode, half-hour series will premiere in the spring. The concept is still being tweaked but the taped show will feature Brand on stage in front of live audience, making commentary on a variety of topics from current events, politics and pop culture and interacting with audience members. “We’re very excited to add Russell Brand’s bracingly funny, original, and honest voice to the FX comedy line-up,” said FX’s EVP original programming Nick Grad. “We look forward to supporting Russell and his partner Troy Miller’s ambition to strip down the hosted comedy format to its most fundamental elements and to create something daring and unfiltered for the FX audience.” [Deadline]

It’s got to be the accent, right? I mean, it’s not that Russell Brand is entirely unfunny or anything, but… two shows? Really? I swear to God, it is AMAZING what you can get away with in America if you have a British accent. Russell Brand bounces around stage saying creepy sexual stuff to our women, Simon Cowell insults our singers and bickers with our loopy former Laker Girls (a treasured American resource), and we just keep throwing money at them. Hugh Grant could burn my damn house down, and, as long as he did that thing where he goes “Right right. I terribly sorry” while looking at his shoes and running his fingers through his hair, I’d probably forgive him before all the smoke cleared.

This has to stop. Let’s have some self-respect, America.

When you’re a politician, you enter a dimension of reality where people criticize you for having beliefs that don’t line up with their own. That’s what happened last week to Tea Party presidential hopeful Michele Bachman, when she appeared on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” and the Roots played a Fishbone song called “Lyin’ Ass Bitch.” Bachmann seized on the opportunity to politicize the moment, demanding an apology from NBC and saying that Michelle Obama would never be treated like that. So NBC apologized, but Bachmann is unsatisfied because it wasn’t from the PRESIDENT of NBC.

Doug Vaughn, NBC’s senior vice president for special programs, wrote Bachmann a personal letter on Wednesday. He called the show’s choice to play a snippet of Fishbone’s “Lyin’ Ass B—-” as she walked on the show both “unfortunate” and “unacceptable.”

“Of course I accept the apology but my guess is that it would have been the president of the NBC that would have been apologizing not a senior vice president,” had a liberal, like Michelle Obama been the guest, she told KLIF radio in Dallas on Friday. [NY Daily News]

Jesus Everloving Christ. “Of course I accept the apology, but I kind of expected it to be printed on a GOLDEN PAPYRUS SCROLL.” How the hell is it possible that FEWER politicians are assassinated now than 50 years ago?

I don’t give a rat’s ass about this story, but it’s been all over the news cycle and I can’t ignore it any more. So here goes.

• On Monday, Ol’ Crazy Eyes Michele Bachmann was a guest on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”
• For her entrance, the Roots played a Fishbone song called “Lyin’ Ass Bitch.” (video)
• Fallon apologized on Twitter, but has still been criticized for the song, which was The Roots played without the knowledge of “Late Night” staff.
• Roots drummer ?uestlove, who tipped off viewers to the song’s title with hints on Twitter, said that the song was intended to be tongue-in-cheek.
• Bachmann hasn’t gotten an official apology from NBC, so of course she took the opportunity to be politically divisive: “If that song had been played for Michelle Obama, I have no doubt that NBC would have apologized to her.”

If there’s a lesson here, it’s that politicians are the absolute worst late-night guests. Why bother getting embroiled in a mess like this when there are so many dogs that can do entertaining tricks? Hell, the dogs don’t even have to do tricks. I’d rather watch Jimmy Fallon pet a golden retriever for five minutes than watch him try to be interested in what Bachmann’s saying. This story blows goats.

Guys, I hate to be so casually manipulated like this, but “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” taped Alison Brie as she fielded some questions from Twitter while she was backstage at the late-night show. And starting at the 3:20 mark in the video below, she talks about her boobs. And that’s just not fair for me. Even though it’s not a terribly interesting video, I can’t not post video of Alison Brie discussing her breasts while wearing a low-cut top. My hands are tied, people.

Anyway, it’s not ALL about her ample bosom crafted by God’s hands. She also discuss her favorite place in Ann Arbor (The Jolly Pumpkin), who would win a fight between her “Mad Men” and “Community” characters, her favorite wardrobe piece from “Mad Men,” blah blah blah. Then she says, “It would be constant boob time for me and my own boobs,” and everything else just fades out of the picture. Enjoy.

[Late Night]

When Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake teamed up with the Roots to perform “The History of Rap” last September, it was a blast — a fun and funny walk through some of rap’s most influential songs. Then they did a second volume this summer, and it was noticeably watered down. Four months have gone by since then, and now we’ve got a third edition (video below).

The performance is fine — it’s good, really — but it feels predictable. “Oh, here’s the part where they finish the medley in the audience.” And while I enjoyed Timberlake razzing Fallon about not having to use his AK, I was equally embarrassed to see them include a slice of “Jump Around,” the whitest rap hit of all time. C’mon guys, leave that one to the DJs working high school dances and boring people’s weddings.

Track list (thanks to Robopanda):

Run-DMC – “King of Rock”
LL Cool J – “Mama Said Knock You Out”
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince – “Parents Just Don’t Understand”
De La Soul – “Me, Myself, and I”
JJ Fad – “Supersonic”
Sir Mix-a-Lot -”Baby Got Back”
Young MC -”Bust a Move”
House of Pain – “Jump Around”
Ice Cube – “Today Was a Good Day”
Coolio – “Gangsta’s Paradise”
Fugees – “Killing Me Softly”
Beastie Boys – “Sabotage”
Jay-Z – “I Just Wanna Love You (Give It To Me)”
Outkast – “Ms. Jackson”
Snoop Dog – “Drop It Like It’s Hot”
Kanye West – “Stronger”
Nicki Minaj – “Super Bass”
Naughty By Nature – “Hip Hop Hooray”

Conan O’Brien made a surprise appearance on “Late Night,” the show he hosted for 16 years, to retrieve Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and engage in some witty banter with ?uestlove (see below). I happened on Wednesday night’s show, but I’m only getting to it now because the Uproxx homepage shamed me with its coverage yesterday.

Anyway, I don’t have the time to watch late-night shows these days — I’m forever catching up on DVR’d shows when they air — so it’s good to see Conan in New York where he belongs. You hear that, L.A.? He’s OURS! Give him back!

In a themed week that precisely no one asked for, Jimmy Fallon is presiding over Chris Kattan Week at “Late Night,” allowing his former “Saturday Night Live” castmate to be a guest on the show every night this week. “So… remember when you played Mango?” is what Fallon will presumably ask on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

Chris Kattan is on the show – and not only tonight…ALL WEEK! That’s right! He’s here all week, every night! [Late Night Blog]

I can only assume that the poor “Late Show” blogger is using exclamation points the same way that I do: to express sarcasm.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too mean. It’s possible that I’m cutting down Chris Kattan just because he’s unfunny and getting five times the TV exposure that could reasonably be justified for him. Watch his segment from last night and draw your own conclusions:

Last fall, when Justin Timberlake was promoting The Social Network, he and Jimmy Fallon performed a rousing history of rap medley that touched upon a lot of hip-hop’s most important and influential songs (backed by the Roots, of course). So now that Timberlake is making the late-night rounds again to plug Friends With Benefits, he and Fallon performed a follow-up (video below).

This version is… not as good. Fallon and Timberlake goofily give it their all — the dance to Salt N’ Pepa’s “Push It” is a nice touch — but this medley feels like a collection of all the songs that weren’t good enough to include in the first performance. This isn’t so much “A History of Rap Part 2″ as it is “A History of Club Hits.” Seriously, the only time Nelly should be included in A History of Rap is the chapter on crappy rappers. You’ll see him pictured next to Ja Rule and Drake.

Anyway, enjoy this now — the online music rights will expire in the next couple days.

The last time Jimmy Fallon brought out his impeccable Neil Young impression, he was joined on stage by Bruce Springsteen for a somber version of “Whip My Hair.” At the time, I didn’t think he could top a duet with the Boss, but last night’s performance proved me wrong: David Crosby and Graham Nash joined Fallon’s Young for a cover of Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the U.S.A.” (video embedded below)

On one hand, I don’t want to make too big of a deal out of this, because this is just a late-night entertainer pretending to be someone else singing a pop song performed by a 17-year-old moron. On the other hand, it’s flat-out of brilliant. When Miley sings “Party in the U.S.A.,” the verses are just filler until the big hook in the chorus, but when Fallon sings the first verse, he brings all the depressing gravity of a Neil Young song to it. It’s like, “Wow! It really is hard to arrive at LAX with just a dream and your cardigan.”

[Vulture]