There’s terrible news for vapid dipsh*ts and moronic young girls today, as PopWatch has learned of the cancellation of MTV’s “The Hills” following the coming season.

After six seasons of sex-tape rumors, Les Deux drama, and couture-filled trips to Paris, MTV and the producers of The Hills have decided it’s time for the sun to set on the reality phenom. “I think we’ve told the story of struggle and of finding yourself in L.A.,” creator Adam DiVello tells EW…

In the final 12 episodes set to begin airing on April 27 at 10 p.m. ET, fans can expect to see Audrina Patridge dating singer Ryan Cabrera and Kristin Cavallari dealing with rumors of drug abuse… Also look for Stephanie Pratt to be dealing with sobriety, coming off her DUI last year.

The fact that “The Hills” succeeded at all is an astounding testament to the way that slick editing and pop music can transfix simple minds. In a city filled with gorgeous people and aspiring actors, MTV took a bunch of barely attractive simpletons and made them improv their way through scripts so dull that characters chewing food often became a plot point. Everyone involved with this show needs to be bulldozed into a landfill.

Since MTV’s malodorous decision to continue “The Hills” with Kristin Cavallari in Lauren Conrad’s place (or should I say, “malodorous decision to continue the show at all”), I’m delighted to see that ratings for “The Hills” have declined by 33%.

“We don’t need [Lauren]. We’ll miss her. I just don’t know if we need her,” Heidi [Montag/Pratt] previously told MTV News… [But] According to Media Life Magazine, the audience for the September 29 season premiere… was down 30 percent compared to the prior season’s debut..

The Season 5, Part 2 premiere netted just 2.36 million total viewers and three weeks later the number of people tuning in had slipped even further to 1.72 million. And among 18-34-year-olds, current episodes are getting less than half of the 2.3 million fans that tuned in each weak two seasons ago. [Access Hollywood]

Oohhhhh, that’s delicious. Fail, fail, fail! Satisfy my lust for your failure!

Listen, my dislike “The Hills” is well-informed. My last girlfriend would make me watch it, and then yell at me about how bad it was. “Oh my God, this is so fake!” she’d say, angry at the horrendous excuse for dialogue. DAMMIT WOMAN, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE WATCHING?

But I did learn this much during those brutally slow half-hours: Lauren Conrad was the only person on that show with an ounce of sincerity trapped somewhere inside her, and she lacked the reptilian quality of the rest of the cast. She’s probably the only person from that show who shouldn’t be thrown off a rocky cliff into a giant pit of bear traps. And maybe Audrina. I’d spare Audrina if I could chain her to my radiator.

L.A. Candy, the debut novel “written” by “author” Lauren Conrad, topped the New York Times best seller list for the second consecutive week.  **cleans pistol, gives away possessions**

“If someone said to me five years ago when this all started that I would one day make the New York Times Best Seller list I wouldn’t have believed it,” Conrad [said].

“Probably because I’ve never had any desire to write anything whatsoever.”

The novel, loosely based on Conrad’s own life, follows Jane Roberts, a 19-year-old girl who moves to Hollywood and ends up as the star of her own reality show… L.A. Candy, which hit shelves June 16, is the first in a three-book deal for the reality TV star.

I can’t fault Lauren for any of this.  If someone offered me three truckloads of cash to put my name on something that someone else had written, I’d sign whatever contract they had and tell them to park the trucks around back.  In fact, on second thought, I really shouldn’t be so indignant about this.  It’s not like that top spot was going to go to a reprinting of Lolita.  “Conrad, you bitch!  James Patterson’s Swimsuit deserves more commercial recognition!”

Today in “You don’t give a sh-t” news, MTV has confirmed that “The Hills” will return for another season, even though Lauren Conrad — the central character and closest thing the show has to a person I don’t want to stab — is leaving the show.  From JustJared, with editorial notes:

MTV has confirmed to JustJared.com that Lauren Conrad has moved on but Heidi Montag [vapid idiot], Spencer Pratt [Satan], Audrina Patridge [used to be hot], Brody Jenner [douche], Stephanie Pratt [fugs], Lo Bosworth [fugs, boring, moron] and Justin Bobby [ur-douche] will all be back for the new season.

The network also promises “fresh faces, new stories and shocking surprises.” Newlyweds Spencer and Heidi will, of course, take front and center.

It’s amazing the way that a show I don’t even watch can make me hate life.  If I could somehow not watch it more, I’d do that.  Or, to put it in the words of one JustJared commenter, “i will miss Lauren :(((((((((((“.  So true.  It’s the kind of comment that says, “I only have two eyes, but these frowns will last forever.”

Welp, here it is. A preview for the next pseudo-season of “The Hills,” which won’t be season 5 but instead “bonus episodes” to season 4, because… um… the narrative arc is more in line with the Dostoevskyian mood and themes of season 4, whereas season 5 is expected to be a grand philosophical masterwork, with Spencer as the Machiavellian foil to L.C.’s ingenue version of Candide.

Naw, just kidding. MTV got 15 seconds of mildly interesting footage and will air it out over the course of six episodes where the same assholes look at each other in silence while trying to remember how the script told them to react. Ooh, look! The name of the song that’s playing is on the screen! What compelling television!

[More at the L.A. Times]