The excess of cast injuries and woeful mismanagement from Broadway’s Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark has been well-covered on both Gamma Squad and FilmDrunk, but now the disaster is coming to your TV: “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” will base one of its episodes this season around the troubled musical. The news comes TV Line’s Michael Ausiello, whose write-up is so breathlessly idiotic that it’s barely recognizable as English, so here’s a helpful translation from RoboPanda:

“Law & Order: CI” will have an episode where an actor dies under suspicious circumstances during a failed stunt on the set of a musical called Icarus. The play is directed by a “high-strung and larger-than-life” woman who falls off the wagon, and it’s composed by a bisexual rock-star named “Arno” who is secretly cheating on his wife with a male colleague. So they’re like Julie Taymor and Bono, except with funner vices, probably.

I dunno, I’m just not seeing the parallels — it’s a little too subtle for my tastes. Couldn’t they have called the musical Arachnid-Guy: Turn on the Lights?

Anyway, seeing as how “L&O:CI” is close to cancellation, this seems like a good time for a spinoff: “Law & Order: Broadway Safety Inspectors.” Basically the two main characters go around making sure that the mattresses underneath trap doors are sufficiently soft, and they talk to a lot of gay guys along the way. Don’t laugh, I just described half the shows on Bravo.

“Law & Order: Criminal Intent” has ripped a WINNING story from the headlines: Jay Mohr, owner of the saddest hair this side of Jeremy Piven,  will guest star in an upcoming episode, playing a character based off of Charlie Sheen. Deadline says:

Mohr’s character, Nyle Brite, is from a different area of the arts: he is a a “rockstar” fashion designer whose every creation turns to gold.

“Nyle is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.”

His badboy reputation of cocaine benders and call-girl parties only skyrockets his career and mints him as the “lovable rogue.” … Since L&O:CI is a crime drama, the plot of the episode includes a murder as  a guest at one of Brite’s parties turns up dead.

Actually, that part isn’t fictionalized. Let’s not forget that porn star Chloe Jones died after partying with Sheen. I don’t really have a joke for that, I’m just reminding everyone that Charlie Sheen is like a partially trained circus bear: lovably charming, but prone to random violence. Also, circus bears love cocaine.

Regarding Jeff Goldblum’s debut on last night’s episode of “Law & Order: Criminal Intent,” Warming Glow reader Bill writes:

It had the greatest, poorly written portrayal of annoying [Brooklyn] hipsters trying to “make it,” living in an artist loft space, and striving to be like the horrible, gayer, outer borough version of RENT.  The dialogue was amazing and that sh*tpile of an episode had me wondering what USA network is trying to do to this franchise.

And Bill’s not alone.  Videogum snagged video and adds:

[T]he entire show was HILARIOUS, not just because of Jeff’s quirky, nerd-weirdo character, but because the plot was about a bunch of Williamsburg hipsters living in a huge loft and killing each other off in an effort to take over each other’s spots in a shitty band. AND there’s a red herring about how the murders could be caused by minorities in the neighborhood who think the hipsters are displacing them. It’s ripped from the 2002 headlines!

Oh baby.  I’m gonna have to stay up and watch this tonight; the episode re-airs at 12:05 a.m.  I’m always down for some hipster murder.  Um, fictional hipster murder, that is.  Yeahhhhh… “fictional.”

(Watch highlights of the episode here.  It’s not quite real because none of the actors are skinny enough to play real hipsters.  And their haircuts aren’t stupid enough.  And their jeans aren’t tight enough.  And I’m not punching them in the face.)