So, the thing about TV news that breaks after 2 p.m. on a Friday: you’ll probably have to wait until Monday to read our reaction to it, even when it’s about “Community.” It’s a scheduling thing blah blah blah. So, to apologize for our tardiness, we’ve sorted through all the hundreds of masturbatory quotes and inane talking points from this year’s Television Critics Association (Fox and NBC so far, everything else forthcoming) to give you only the tidbits that matter. Also, to sweeten the deal, there’s a reactionary GIF for every item.

Also, quite possibly the least funny show on TV was canceled, so yay!

“Community”: “[Community] will, in fact, be back later in the Spring. Many feared that it would fall victim to the axe once it was pulled from the schedule in the Fall, but the good news is that 12 new episodes are forthcoming” … “Greenblatt is also considering giving it a different time slot, saying, ‘I don’t know if it makes sense to ask it to start off the night again.’” (Buzz Focus) (AV Club)

“24″: “Kiefer Sutherland said Sunday during Fox’s TCA panel…that he begins work shooting the long-discussed 24 movie in late March/early April.” (Deadline)

“Party Down”: “‘I will be doing the Party Down movie,’ [Megan Mullally] said. ‘John [Enbom] is writing it right now.’ The entire cast is coming back, with the possible exception of Jane Lynch, who she was not sure about. And she believes the story will pick up just where the second season finale left off.” (Hollywood Reporter)

“30 Rock”: “We have Alec [Baldwin] for next season,” [NBC Entertainment Chairman Bob Greenblatt] told a scrum gathered on stage, revealing that NBC had “quietly re-upped” the actor this past fall. (Hollywood Reporter)

“Allen Gregory”: “Fox President of Entertainment, Kevin Reilly, confirmed the news that [Allen Gregory] would not be returning for a second season. The ratings for Allen Gregory had been falling for four weeks in a row.” (Huffington Post)

“Anger Management”: “Both Charlie Sheen and Anger Management showrunner Bruce Helford confirmed Sunday at a Television Critics Association event that they will begin seeing actresses this week, but were tight-lipped about who is on what Sheen calls the ‘fantasy list and the A list.’ … Sheen goes on to call the moment in Two and a Half Men’s premiere episode where his character’s ashes are thrust from the urn and Kutcher’s is revealed ‘one of the great television moments of all time.’” (Hollywood Reporter)

“Bones”: “Bones creator Hart Hanson sounded pretty confident that Fox would greenlight an eighth and likely final season of the quirky drama for next fall.” (Deadline)

Fox Animation: “Fox is launching a new unit for development and production of alternative animated series, shorts and user-adapted material. It will be used for the network’s Saturday 11 p.m.-12:30 a.m. late-night block, once home of MadTV and the Spike Feresten and Wanda Sykes talk shows.” (Deadline)

“Fringe”/”House”/”Terra Nova”: “The fates of House, Fringe, and freshman series Terra Nova remain undecided. ‘We’ve done a good job of avoiding some of these big decisions,’ Kevin Reilly said with a laugh. ‘I do feel fortunate that we have some high-class problems.’” (Seattle PI)

“Glee”: “‘There will not be a Glee spinoff, but those characters will graduate and it’s led to a really interesting idea that I think is going to give us something really cool to dig into next season,’ Reilly said, referring to the fates of the lead characters after they graduate high school. But Lea Michele, one of the show’s leads, will still be part of the show’s upcoming season.” (Reuters)

“Law & Order SVU”: “Mariska Hargitay is NOT leaving Law & Order: SVU. In fact, the show will explore her having a love interest for the first time. Oh, and Harry Connick, Jr. will be guest starring for a 4 episode arc playing said lover interest.” (Buzz Focus)

(Corgis be chillin’ and watchin’ “SVU” all day on their treadmill.)

“Napoleon Dynamite”: “Fans of the 2004 cult hit film Napoleon Dynamite can look forward to even more catchphrases like ‘Sweet’ and ‘Vote for Pedro’ thanks to the new animated series. ‘There’s a catchphrase in every episode,’ said co-star Tina Majorino (the side-ponytailed Deb).” (Author Note: UGH) (EW)

“Prime Suspect”: “Prime Suspect‘s failure to click with viewers ‘was probably the biggest disappointment,’ Greenblatt said. ‘Was it too cable, was (Maria Bello’s character) too abrasive? Maybe I should say it was the hat and move on.’” (Deadline)

(Shockingly, there aren’t many “Prime Suspect” GIFs out there…)

Not as sexy as I imagined.

All things considered, the older members of my family have pretty decent TV-watching habits. My mom can quote “The Simpsons” with the best of them. My uncle has seen every episode “The Wire” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and he’s currently catching up on “Doctor Who,” while my aunt loves “Parenthood.” But when I extend the family to include second cousins and aunts-by-marriage and grandparents, things take a turn for the worse, especially during Thanksgiving. That’s when we’re all at a table for a long time, and when the “how are you doing?” conversations run dry, talk often turns to TV — more specifically, to “Two and a Half Men,” “NCIS,” and “Blue Bloods,” and how the Professor Professorson episode of “Community” is the “least funny thing” they’ve ever seen. I already dread the inevitable “2 Broke Girls” banter.

What awful shows does your family talk about during Turkey Day? Do you keep your mouth shut when they discuss “Two and a Half Men”? Or do you tell them that the only half-man worth caring about is Tyrion Lannister on “Game of Thrones”? Dare you defend the honor of good TV? What’s the worst show you’ve ever heard your mother-in-law defend? Thanksgiving might be the only day you’re going to see your entire family until next year’s holidays — why not tell them that “Law & Order: SVU” isn’t nearly as good as they think it is?

There’s an absence of interesting TV news today, and I absolutely refuse to write about the Comic-Con schedule (OMG! “Doctor Who” is in Hall H! *fart noise*), so instead I’m sharing the “Law & Order: SVU” drinking game that’s currently burning up Tumblr. It’s an excellent drinking game in that it’s simple and straightforward, but my preliminary math shows that it will only produce a gentle buzz, and not the roaring blackout drunkenness that might inspire someone to smash up the Ed Sullivan Theater. I recommend tripling the dosage.

Chris Meloni will not return to “Law & Order: SVU” this fall. Contract negotiations broke down between NBC and Meloni just a week after NBC chief Robert Greenblatt announced that a deal was “nearly done.”

The Emmy-nominated actor, who has co-starred opposite Mariska Hargitay since the show’s inception in 1999, will not return for the show’s 13th season…

At his upfront presentation for advertisers in New York, Greenblatt added that the network had plans to “reset the tone” of the series. With new showrunner Warren Leight replacing Neal Baer this fall, the stories would “still be compelling but a little more grounded,” he said. [THR]

It just doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s not like Meloni’s such a star that he’ll make more money doing movies. I think staying on NBC would have been the “Stabler” career move. *bowtie spins* Thanks, folks. Tip your waitress.

Recently, DirecTV began airing episodes of “Damages” with subtitles that help explain background information viewers might not know if they missed previous episodes of the complex legal drama.

The on-screen subtitles function as a primer of sorts, appearing every few minutes to flesh out a twisty plot turn or reveal a character’s sinister motives…

“It’s a way to say to viewers, ‘It’s not too late to get involved in this show,’” said Paul Guyardo, DirecTV’s chief marketing officer. “And it might keep new viewers from throwing in the towel if they can watch episodes that give them extra background and context.” [LA Times]

As cable networks and scripted series fight harder to retain viewers, it’s likely that these expository subtitles will become widely available across all cable platforms. In a Warming Glow EXCLUSIVE, the following pages reveal how those subtitles will look for some of TV’s most popular shows.

Hey, bananas have needs, too. For the victim’s sake, I hope he was sodomized after he got killed. [girlcyborg via juliasegal]

And now we know why I joined the Marines. Arkard looks at seven wartime recruitment posters that skew to the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” crowd. [UPROXX]

I MUST SEE IT. Vince’s enthusiastic review for Elite Squad 2, a Brazilian action flick that’s presently kicking ass at Sundance. [FilmDrunk]

Super XLV: Steelers-Packers. I will now spend the next two weeks dreading the possibility of Ben Roethlisberger winning his third Super Bowl. [With Leather]

David E. Kelley’s ‘Wonder Woman’ gets pilot order at NBC. I’m fine with whoever they get to play Wonder Woman. As long as she has big tits, of course. I thought that went without saying. [Gamma Squad]

Ricky Gervais responds to Golden Globes fallout. Watch video of him on Piers Morgan. On Piers Morgan’s show, I mean. That could’ve been read the wrong way. [BuzzFeed]

Shut up, Judd Apatow. Speaking of Gervais, Judd Apatow defended the honor of Tim Allen and The Tourist while hosting the Producers Guild Awards. [Hollywood Reporter]

Welcome back, ‘Spartacus’! A collection of NSFW GIFs featuring Lucy Lawless’s boobs and lesbian tendencies. [bohemea]

Bad news for ‘Lost’ fans. “Odd Jobs,” the project featuring “Lost” alumni Terry O’Quinn and Michael Emerson, has been delayed until next season. Apparently the script wasn’t finished in a timely fashion. [TV Overmind]

[Keanu GIF via]

There are huge swaths of the Internet where I dare not tread, places where the people are so stupid that I’m amazed they can feed themselves, much less operate a computing device. MySpace. YouTube comments. Pro football message boards. But no breed of Internet retard is as perverse as the people who write fan fiction, the re-purposing of established TV/film/sci-fi characters for amateur writing that reveals the author’s sick fetishes (often) and poor command of grammar (always).

That’s what makes Landline‘s new web series, Fan Fiction Theatre, particularly delightful. They take the worst fan fiction scripts and have actors perform them. In the video below, the “Law & Order: SVU” crew ignore the serial rapist on the loose and get straight to what everybody REALLY wants: Detectives Benson and Stabler getting drunk and screwing. Aw, yeah! Finally, someone understands my desires as a viewer.

This morning, Ice-T woke up early to take his bulldog puppy Spartacus to the vet for a knee operation (fun fact: Spartacus has more followers than Warming Glow on Twitter). Along the way, he was pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt, then arrested when the officer discovered that his license had been suspended. He was later released, and Spartacus had a successful surgery, but not before Ice-T got all pissed off on his Twitter account:

Some punk bitch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 Made the arrest of his bullshit career today. Arresting the Notorious Ice T for no seatbelt..

He said “I know who you are and I don’t give a fuck!” That was right after I called him a punk bitch..

“Do you know who I am?” “Yes, you’re Ice-T, you wrote a song called ‘Cop Killer,’ and it may or may not be influencing my decision to arrest you.”

That’s why “Law & Order: SVU” is my favorite “Law & Order.” No, not for the sex crimes. There’s one scene in every episode where Ice-T just treats someone like a total bitch, whether he’s in the right or not. He’s just so well-suited to being pissed off.

Law & Order: SVU (NBC) — Remember the news about Ann-Margret and Jaclyn Smith guest-starring? That’s this episode. Also making an appearance tonight: Morgan Fairchild. What, did no one think to call Farrah Fawcett? What’s that? Oh. Never mind then.

The Ultimate Fighter (Spike) — Season 11 premiere. Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz are the two coaches, reviving the hottest UFC rivalry of five years ago. (Here’s Chuck and a porn star. Here’s Tito and a porn star.)

South Park (Comedy Central) — Tonight’s episode addresses medical marijuana. Watch a preview clip here.

In Plain Sight (USA) — Season premiere. Another USA series I’ll never see.

The Real World (MTV) — Season finale. Man, that season took forever. I feel like I’ve been ignoring it for the last year.

Human Target (Fox) — Moon Bloodgood — of Terminator: Salvation and hippie parents — guest stars.

It’s the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown (ABC) — This is in the 8 o’clock slot of ABC’s Wednesday comedy lineup. I will never forgive ABC for not giving “Better Off Ted” a fair shot.

America’s Next Top Model (CW) — Considering that this is followed by moronic reality turds “Fly Girls” and “High Society,” the CW really deserves more scorn for being an evil hybrid of Bravo and VH1 that targets gays and teenage girls.

Via TV Guide comes the thrilling and EXCLUSIVE news that Ann-Margret and Jaclyn Smith will guest star in an upcoming episode of “Law & Order: SVU.”

Executive producer Neal Baer tells TVGuide.com that [Ann-Margret] will play “a star of commercials that were made in the ’70s” and will be joined in the episode by Jaclyn Smith, who Baer says will play “a retired cop who works with Benson and Stabler to solve an old crime.

Baer calls it “Charlie’s Angels thirty years later.”

Now, I wouldn’t dare speak ill of Ann-Margret. If I had a time machine, the first stop would be 1962 and a 20-year-old Ann-Margret (on my way to kill Hitler, of course). But honestly, the only words I want to see “thirty years later” appended to are “scotch” and “Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.”