Recently, DirecTV began airing episodes of “Damages” with subtitles that help explain background information viewers might not know if they missed previous episodes of the complex legal drama.

The on-screen subtitles function as a primer of sorts, appearing every few minutes to flesh out a twisty plot turn or reveal a character’s sinister motives…

“It’s a way to say to viewers, ‘It’s not too late to get involved in this show,’” said Paul Guyardo, DirecTV’s chief marketing officer. “And it might keep new viewers from throwing in the towel if they can watch episodes that give them extra background and context.” [LA Times]

As cable networks and scripted series fight harder to retain viewers, it’s likely that these expository subtitles will become widely available across all cable platforms. In a Warming Glow EXCLUSIVE, the following pages reveal how those subtitles will look for some of TV’s most popular shows.

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Hey, bananas have needs, too. For the victim’s sake, I hope he was sodomized after he got killed. [girlcyborg via juliasegal]

And now we know why I joined the Marines. Arkard looks at seven wartime recruitment posters that skew to the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” crowd. [UPROXX]

I MUST SEE IT. Vince’s enthusiastic review for Elite Squad 2, a Brazilian action flick that’s presently kicking ass at Sundance. [FilmDrunk]

Super XLV: Steelers-Packers. I will now spend the next two weeks dreading the possibility of Ben Roethlisberger winning his third Super Bowl. [With Leather]

David E. Kelley’s ‘Wonder Woman’ gets pilot order at NBC. I’m fine with whoever they get to play Wonder Woman. As long as she has big tits, of course. I thought that went without saying. [Gamma Squad]

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There are huge swaths of the Internet where I dare not tread, places where the people are so stupid that I’m amazed they can feed themselves, much less operate a computing device. MySpace. YouTube comments. Pro football message boards. But no breed of Internet retard is as perverse as the people who write fan fiction, the re-purposing of established TV/film/sci-fi characters for amateur writing that reveals the author’s sick fetishes (often) and poor command of grammar (always).

That’s what makes Landline‘s new web series, Fan Fiction Theatre, particularly delightful. They take the worst fan fiction scripts and have actors perform them. In the video below, the “Law & Order: SVU” crew ignore the serial rapist on the loose and get straight to what everybody REALLY wants: Detectives Benson and Stabler getting drunk and screwing. Aw, yeah! Finally, someone understands my desires as a viewer.

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This morning, Ice-T woke up early to take his bulldog puppy Spartacus to the vet for a knee operation (fun fact: Spartacus has more followers than Warming Glow on Twitter). Along the way, he was pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt, then arrested when the officer discovered that his license had been suspended. He was later released, and Spartacus had a successful surgery, but not before Ice-T got all pissed off on his Twitter account:

Some punk bitch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 Made the arrest of his bullshit career today. Arresting the Notorious Ice T for no seatbelt..

He said “I know who you are and I don’t give a fuck!” That was right after I called him a punk bitch..

“Do you know who I am?” “Yes, you’re Ice-T, you wrote a song called ‘Cop Killer,’ and it may or may not be influencing my decision to arrest you.”

That’s why “Law & Order: SVU” is my favorite “Law & Order.” No, not for the sex crimes. There’s one scene in every episode where Ice-T just treats someone like a total bitch, whether he’s in the right or not. He’s just so well-suited to being pissed off.

Law & Order: SVU (NBC) — Remember the news about Ann-Margret and Jaclyn Smith guest-starring? That’s this episode. Also making an appearance tonight: Morgan Fairchild. What, did no one think to call Farrah Fawcett? What’s that? Oh. Never mind then.

The Ultimate Fighter (Spike) — Season 11 premiere. Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz are the two coaches, reviving the hottest UFC rivalry of five years ago. (Here’s Chuck and a porn star. Here’s Tito and a porn star.)

South Park (Comedy Central) — Tonight’s episode addresses medical marijuana. Watch a preview clip here.

In Plain Sight (USA) — Season premiere. Another USA series I’ll never see.

The Real World (MTV) — Season finale. Man, that season took forever. I feel like I’ve been ignoring it for the last year.

Human Target (Fox) — Moon Bloodgood — of Terminator: Salvation and hippie parents — guest stars.

It’s the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown (ABC) — This is in the 8 o’clock slot of ABC’s Wednesday comedy lineup. I will never forgive ABC for not giving “Better Off Ted” a fair shot.

America’s Next Top Model (CW) — Considering that this is followed by moronic reality turds “Fly Girls” and “High Society,” the CW really deserves more scorn for being an evil hybrid of Bravo and VH1 that targets gays and teenage girls.