On the set of Cronenberg's "African Promises"

If you’ve never seen the BBC/Discovery specials “Planet Earth” or “Life” (the British versions with David Attenborough narrating, not the crappy Oprah one), then you’re missing the apex of smoking weed and watching HD television. However, there’s good news if you’re late to the party: a third installation called “Human Planet” will debut April 10 on Discovery.

Four years in the making, HUMAN PLANET tells the story of the complex, profound and sometimes challenging relationship between humankind and nature. The series was filmed in high definition in more than 70 locations to capture the most diverse and in some cases, never-before-seen stories of human endeavor. From the frozen Arctic to steamy rainforests, and from tiny islands in vast oceans to parched deserts, people have found remarkable ways to adapt and survive in the harshest environments possible. [press release via THR]

I have to admit, I was skeptical about the subject matter — I’d rather watch whales and frogs and sharks than people — but I changed my mind after I watched the trailer (video below). Holy crap, there are dudes in animal furs with hawks clinging to their arms while they ride horses! I mean the people are riding the horses, not the hawks. But that would be pretty awesome, too.

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Everyone I’ve talked to about Discovery’s “Life” has two overriding about it: (1) “Wow, the footage is amazing!” and (2) “Oprah’s narration is f*cking terrible.” For whatever reason, Discovery decided to punish America, while BBC viewers get naturalist David Attenborough (who also narrated the BBC’s “Planet Earth” while American viewers got Sigourney Weaver). Now, the Amazon page for the pre-order of “Life” is getting its first reviews, and almost 90% of the reviews give the series just one star our of five. Let’s see if we can find the reason:

“This is atrocious. Oprah narrates this thing as if she were reading a bedtime story to little kids and comes off as snarky and condescending. In the opening segment, she’s discussing a fox chasing an ibex kid and it’s basically like ‘Heeeere comes the fox! UH OH!!’… Don’t get this. Get the real version.”

“Oprah’s narration KILLS this series. It’s awful. What made the first series so great is that it was beautifully shot, and it didn’t have someone (Oprah) talking about it like her audience is in pre-school. I have stopped watching the series, and will be purchasing the BBC version. I’m very disappointed.”

“How and why the fratboy marketing majors at Discovery Communications got the bright idea to overdub naturalist David Attenborough with Oprah baffles the mind… her monotone cadence is just awful, totally devoid of any emotion or care.”

“Ms. Winfrey sounds like she needs a decongestant, and the script is so infantile. Looking forward to hearing David Attenborough’s version. I won’t be watching any more with Oprah’s narration”

“One of the worst editorial decisions in TV ever”

“Oprah’s voice is slightly scratchy, abrasive, and she sort of sounds like a frustrated nun. Off of that, the way she speaks to you sounds like she’s talking down to you; like a self-absorbed kindergarten teacher, who can’t wait for the day to end. She doesn’t even seem to have any passion or insight. I cannot stress enough how terrible her narrative for this show is. I was physiologically incapable of sitting through an hour of her grinding drivel.”

In case you’ve never heard how Attenborough rolls, check out his narration for the vampire squid from hell. Relative to other shots from “Planet Earth” and “Life,” it’s not a particularly moving clip of wildlife, but his delivery gives the scene a dramatic flair. In a related story, Vampire Squid from Hell is now in pre-production to be a Syfy original movie.

[via The Live Feed]

As we learned in the Bible, Jesus rose from the dead on Easter Sunday because he didn’t want to miss all the awesome TV on that night. Check it out:

Breaking Bad (AMC) — This season has started a little slow, but there are clouds gathering. Mexican clouds. Clouds with axes.

The Pacific (HBO) — After a peaceful third episode of getting drunk and slaying Aussie tail, the Marines get back to the other thing they do well: wholesale slaughter of America’s enemies. Watch a preview here.

Life (Discovery) — Tonight’s episodes are “Birds” and “Creatures of the Deep,” the latter of which will feature the first-ever video from the depths of your mom’s vagina.

Next week: All of the above, plus the premiere of “Treme.” HOLY CRAP I CAN’T WAIT.

Part Three of HBO’s “The Pacific” aired last night, and the episode was sadly devoid of Jap-killing. Instead, the men of the 1st Marine Division were in Melbourne for some R&R, and what excitement was lost from the lack of combat was at least partly recouped in drunken escapades, sex, and fist fights. I’m not a man who happily parts with ultraviolent depictions of combat, but bare breasts are a good start to keeping me interested. I guess I’m old-fashioned that way.

OTHER SUNDAY NIGHT VIEWING…

If you have cable and HD and you’re NOT watching “Life,” you better fix yourself. As much as I don’t like Oprah’s narration, the visuals on that show are beyond belief. If I bought into conspiracies, I’d swear some of the shots were CG animation.

Finally, if you didn’t get your fill of white-knuckled tension from “The Pacific,” then you needed to watch “Breaking Bad.” WOW. The last couple minutes of that episode were f’n terrifying, and they reaffirmed one of my guiding principles in life: avoid well-dressed Mexicans who own chrome axes.

Holy crap, there was a lot going on on TV last night. Not only were people all a-Twitter about the NCAA tournament and the health care reform debate, but there was some absolutely amazing cable programming as well. Such as:

LIFE (Discovery) — I got goosebumps just watching the teaser intro before it started (see video below). Just hours and hours of high-definition animals in slow-motion; I often found myself with my jaw agape. My only suggestion for improvement: Oprah out as narrator, Sam Elliott in.

BREAKING BAD (AMC) — Depending on who you trust at Ownage du Cinema, the season premiere was either a disappointment that “lacked the sense of relentless forward motion which so characterized the first two seasons” or OWNAGE that provided “VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS IN THE REALM OF OWNAGE.” Regardless, everyone should be able to agree that there’s no denying the power of the final scene.

THE PACIFIC (HBO) — I am no longer qualified to write about this with any pretense of objectivity. Watching a recreation of John Basilone’s heroics that won him the Medal of Honor — an act that has grown from history to legend to religious event in Marine Corps lore — was, for me, like a devout Christian watching The Passion of the Christ: it doesn’t matter what details are changed for dramatic effect, because any critical judgment is overpowered by the emotion from actually seeing an event that lived only in your mind for so long. I have no idea if this show works for anyone who didn’t serve in the Marines, and frankly I don’t really care. It works for me, and that’s good enough.

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