Last year, Jennifer Love Hewitt starred in a heinous Lifetime movie called The Client List which was described by one critic as “redneck Mad-Libs on acid,” while Hewitt was also criticized for a performance that included only three expressions: 1) Crying, 2) Before Crying, and 3) a look that suggested she was pooping in her garters (naturally, she was nominated for a Golden Globe).

For reasons that only degenerate TV executives can explain, Lifetime has decided to turn the film into a series. It’s about a mother who turns to prostitution to support her family, so it’s basically “Weeds” for people who don’t care for decent writing, storytelling, or character development, but who enjoy looking at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs.

Ahead of its release, J-Lo-Ho debuted this nifty little advert, in which she engages in a lengthy strip-tease. I still have no desire to see the show, but I’ve watched the video six times now. I can say without a doubt that it’s the best work of J-Lo-Ho’s career.

I will go to great lengths to run this picture

In last Friday’s Weekend Preview, I led with a reminder about the Lifetime Original Movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable, starring Rob Lowe and featuring the universe-altering line of dialogue, “I’m untouchable, bitch.” At the end of the entry, after saying how overjoyed I was by that line, I wrote “That said, there is no chance I watch this movie.” Well, I have a confession to make to you, readers: I am a liar. I watched THE MESS out of it. And I was far from alone:

The Lifetime Original Movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable drew 5.8 million viewers in its premiere on Saturday to become the most watched movie on cable in two years — since Lifetime’s The Pregnancy Pact on January 23, 2010. It edged the January 2011 hit The Craiglist Killer (5.4 million) in total viewers, though it trailed behind in adults 25-54 (2.5 million vs. 2.7 million) and all key demos, ranking as the Lifetime’s highest-rated movie since then. [Deadline]

I don’t want to mince words here, so let me get right to the point: this movie was GLORIOUS. I’m openly in the tank for campy, over-the-top movies, and Drew Peterson: Untouchable was that times a million with hilarious mustaches and Chicago accents thrown in for good measure. If those types of movies are your thing, first of all, we would get along famously, and second of all, if you see it on your guide someday, save it on your DVR. Trust me on this. After all, I’m the guy who wrote the definitive piece of literature about the movie Karate Dog. I know what I’m talking about.

To illustrate my point, I’ve posted a video of highlights from the movie that the heroes at Vulture put together. After watching it, I think you’ll agree that the people responsible for Drew Peterson: Untouchable should ask for a box when they get to the Emmys to carry all their trophies out,

According to TOLD YA!.com, professional trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is in talks with Lifetime to play Elizabeth Taylor in a made-for-TV movie.

The 25-year-old actress is in early talks for the female lead in Lifetime’s original movie Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story, chronicling the enduring love of movie icons Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, whose fiery romance was the most notorious, publicized and celebrated love affair of its day. (Deadline)

If Lohan does get the role (and who’s to say she wouldn’t make for a great Elizabeth Taylor, says no one), she’ll join an esteemed group of will-work-for-food thespians who have starred in Lifetime original movies. The club includes: Jennie Garth in “Girl, Positive,” Thora Birch in “Homeless to Hazard: The Liz Murray Story,” Gail O’Grady in “Sex & the Single Mom,” Denise Richards AND Dean Cain in “I Do (But I Don’t),” and Caroline Rhea in “To Be Fat like Me.”

This is too much fun; they’re like real-life Troy McClure movies. Here are some more: Kim Basinger in “The Mermaid Chair,” Lacey Chabert in “What If God Were the Sun?,” Shannon Elizabeth in “Confessions of an American Bride,” Dana Delaney in “Baby for Sale,” and Terry O’Quinn in “My Stepson, My Lover.” He played neither the stepson nor the lover, but as one IMDb reviewer said, “There’s Not even any good SEX scenes here!”

Here at Warming Glow, we do not spend a great deal of time discussing Lifetime Original Movies. This is not to say these movies aren’t wondrous little slices of television heaven. I mean, no one loves cheaply produced, campy movies more than I do. NO ONE. It’s just that, well, movies about crazed mother-in-laws stealing babies and fleeing from their abusive husbands aren’t always exactly newsworthy to our target demo. However, we do reserve the right to discuss in them in certain circumstances. Like, for example, when Jennifer Love Hewitt plays a prostitute with a hilarious Texas accent. Or when, oh I don’t know, Rob Lowe from “Parks and Recreation” is featured in a trailer for a movie about alleged wife-murderer Drew Peterson and he has blonde hair and a blonde mustache and his only line in the whole backflipping trailer is “I’m untouchable, bitch.”

HOLY CRAP. YOU GUYS. THIS IS THAT SECOND THING.

There’s not much to the trailer beyond the hair, mustache, and that line, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why you would need anything more. Seriously, let’s just cancel the Emmys and mail them all to Rob Lowe’s house. I think he’s earned it.

via Vulture

Nuh-uh girrrrl, they did not EVEN! Lifetime’s gonna get more sass than they can handle when they remake Steel Magnolias with an all-black cast.

Lifetime is developing an original movie based on the hit feature, which will be produced by Craig Zadan and Neil Meron and Sony Pictures TV… Kenny Leon, who directed the 2008 ABC movie A Raisin In The Sun, is attached to direct the new Steel Magnolias, which, like the movie, will be set in Louisiana and explore the bond among a group of women in the present day.

The feature boasted an all-star cast of Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Shirley MacLaine, Darryl Hannah, Olympia Dukakis, and Julia Roberts. The goal of the TV movie’s producers is to assemble a similarly high-wattage cast of black actresses. [Deadline]

“Hello, Halle Berry? I’m calling from Lifetime–” *click*
“Hello, Oprah? I’m calling from Lifetime–” *click*
“Hello, Angela Basset? Would you be interested in a Lifetime orig–” *click*
“Hello, Jada Pinkett Smith? We’re remaking Steel Magnolias at Lifetime–” *click*
“Hello, Gabrielle Union? Would you be interested in joining the cast of Lifetime’s Steel Magnolias project? Right now the cast is Whoopi Goldberg and Shannen Doherty in blackface.”

Sad news for fans of reality TV shows about macadamia nut farming: Lifetime has canceled “Roseanne’s Nuts,” on account of nobody on the planet having any desire to watch Roseanne Barr in Hawaii.

The reality series, which followed Barr, her partner Johnny Argent and son Jake Pentland as they lived and worked on their macadamia nut and livestock farm in Hawaii premiered in July to 1.3 million viewers, according to Nielsen.

After early ratings success evaporated, Lifetime shifted the series from its Wednesday time slot to Fridays and by the end of its 16-episode run, viewership had diminished to nearly half its premiere numbers. [THR]

I sat here for five minutes without typing a word because this story is so boring. I have absolutely nothing to say about Roseanne or her dumb reality show. I can’t even care enough to dislike it. So whatever, here’s a bird on an escalator.

[GIF by the frogman]

This is something I’ve been excited for ever since it was pitched in March 2010: “Russian Dolls” (previously titled “Brighton Beach”) will debut on Lifetime August 11th. Pitched as “Russian Jersey Shore,” the show differs from MTV’s hit show in that its Brooklyn-based characters span more than one generation. A quick rundown of the players (via Sheepshead Bites):

• Anna (22) – An aspiring model and skillful flirt, Anna recently opened her own modeling school.  She craves the spotlight but still lives in a tiny apartment with her parents and meddling grandmother.
• Diana (23) – The goal in life for this princess is to find a man she can marry.  Of course, her prince will need to drive a nice car and pay for absolutely everything.
• Anastasia (26) – Graduating college is not in the cards for this Russian darling who seems more interested in going to the gym, tanning, applying makeup and making sure her hair extensions stay in place.
• Eddie (26) – A handsome lady-killer, Eddie is looking to make a name for himself in the world, while juggling the ladies and his busy social calendar.
• Albert (26) – A wheeler-dealer who values his money and social status in Brighton Beach, Albert knows exactly what he wants:  to make millions of dollars and bring a nice Russian girl home to his mom.
• Marina (34) – Dripping in furs and diamonds, Marina is all about status.  When she isn’t going head-to-head with her spirited mother-in-law, Eva (age 56), Marina runs the popular local club/restaurant Rasputin with her husband Michael and knows everyone in Brighton Beach.
• Renata (47) – Sweet, energetic and whimsical, Renata hosts a popular Russian radio show.  She’s always trying to make nice when it comes to her friends and lovable, yet overbearing, husband Boris.
• Sveta (47) – She rules her 30-year marriage with an iron fist, while her husband Sasha runs a local jewelry store.

I could do without the old broads, but I’m otherwise interested. Unlike the Guidos in “Jersey Shore,” these Russians have aspirations beyond getting wasted and beating up the beat. Aspirations of wealth and material goods and loveless marriages. Opulence, they wants it.

Hef’s Runaway Bride (Lifetime) — Hugh Hefner and skittish sugar baby Crystal Harris (right) discuss the sham marriage that didn’t happen. Fascinating. Spare no detail! (Also pictured: 2010 Playmate of the Year Hope Dworaczyk).)

Web Therapy (Showtime) — Series premiere. Lisa Kudrow stars as a therapist who treats her patients via webcam. Doesn’t sound like my bag, but her guest stars/patients include the impressive roster of Courteney Cox, Jane Lynch, and Rashida Jones.

Drug Kingpin Hippos (Animal Planet) — A special about the hippopotami kept by the infamous Pablo Escobar, and how they’ve created problems in Colombia since the drug lord’s death. If I had more time, I would have made a Photoshop for this that would rival Whale Wars.

It’s Worth What? (NBC) — Series premiere. An instantly forgettable primetime game show combining “Antiques Roadshow” and “The Price Is Right.” Hosted by Cedric the Entertainer.

This Is Awkward (MTV) — Series premiere. A high school girl breaks her arm and other students gossip about it. High school! Am I right?

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: USA soccer stars Hope Solo and Abby Wambach will be on Letterman after Steve Carell. And man do I love me some Hope Solo. I wish more female athletes were as brash and outspoken and hot as she is. Also: Justin Timberlake and Rose Byrne on Fallon; Seth Green and Marc Maron on Conan; other people on other shows.

Magic Beyond Words: the JK Rowling Story (Lifetime) — The comely Poppy Montgomery (“Without a Trace”) stars in Lifetime original movie about the Harry Potter author. Ooohhh, I hope there’s an awesome typing montage! (Fun fact: Montgomery’s parents named her Poppy Petal Emma Elizabeth Deveraux Donahue because they’re pretentious hippie dickwads.)

Man Vs Wild (Discovery) — Bear Grylls travels to New Zealand, where he must learn to fornicate with sheep in order to stave off deadly boredom.

Hell’s Kitchen (Fox ) — Season premiere. Gordon Ramsay returns once again to yell at chefs who couldn’t get on “Top Chef.”

Giuliana & Bill (Style) — Season premiere. I’d pay good money to see Giuliana Rancic and Bethenny Frankel fight each other to the death to determine the too-skinny butterface queen of gay cable. (Winner gets pushed into a wood chipper.)

LADYCOPS! (TNT) — Rizzoli & Isles go for a relaxing trip to the spa, where of course a dead body turns up. “Looks like our mud bath…” (*sunglasses*) “… just got turned into a blood bath.” YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Way back in February, I maxed out the Childish Double Entendre Machine while writing about Lifetime’s new reality show focusing on Roseanne Barr’s new life as a macadamia nut farmer in Hawaii. And before you ask, that is a real thing in a real sentence I just wrote, and not the result of peyote fever dream.

Anyway, “Roseanne’s Nuts” has its first promo, and the ad campaign seems to be built around the word “nuts” and the expectation that people will consistently laugh at the double entendres that come from working on a nut farm. Which sounds like a brilliant idea to me. Lots of 5th grade boys watch Lifetime, right?