I will go to great lengths to run this picture

In last Friday’s Weekend Preview, I led with a reminder about the Lifetime Original Movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable, starring Rob Lowe and featuring the universe-altering line of dialogue, “I’m untouchable, bitch.” At the end of the entry, after saying how overjoyed I was by that line, I wrote “That said, there is no chance I watch this movie.” Well, I have a confession to make to you, readers: I am a liar. I watched THE MESS out of it. And I was far from alone:

The Lifetime Original Movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable drew 5.8 million viewers in its premiere on Saturday to become the most watched movie on cable in two years — since Lifetime’s The Pregnancy Pact on January 23, 2010. It edged the January 2011 hit The Craiglist Killer (5.4 million) in total viewers, though it trailed behind in adults 25-54 (2.5 million vs. 2.7 million) and all key demos, ranking as the Lifetime’s highest-rated movie since then. [Deadline]

I don’t want to mince words here, so let me get right to the point: this movie was GLORIOUS. I’m openly in the tank for campy, over-the-top movies, and Drew Peterson: Untouchable was that times a million with hilarious mustaches and Chicago accents thrown in for good measure. If those types of movies are your thing, first of all, we would get along famously, and second of all, if you see it on your guide someday, save it on your DVR. Trust me on this. After all, I’m the guy who wrote the definitive piece of literature about the movie Karate Dog. I know what I’m talking about.

To illustrate my point, I’ve posted a video of highlights from the movie that the heroes at Vulture put together. After watching it, I think you’ll agree that the people responsible for Drew Peterson: Untouchable should ask for a box when they get to the Emmys to carry all their trophies out,

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According to TOLD YA!.com, professional trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is in talks with Lifetime to play Elizabeth Taylor in a made-for-TV movie.

The 25-year-old actress is in early talks for the female lead in Lifetime’s original movie Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story, chronicling the enduring love of movie icons Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, whose fiery romance was the most notorious, publicized and celebrated love affair of its day. (Deadline)

If Lohan does get the role (and who’s to say she wouldn’t make for a great Elizabeth Taylor, says no one), she’ll join an esteemed group of will-work-for-food thespians who have starred in Lifetime original movies. The club includes: Jennie Garth in “Girl, Positive,” Thora Birch in “Homeless to Hazard: The Liz Murray Story,” Gail O’Grady in “Sex & the Single Mom,” Denise Richards AND Dean Cain in “I Do (But I Don’t),” and Caroline Rhea in “To Be Fat like Me.”

This is too much fun; they’re like real-life Troy McClure movies. Here are some more: Kim Basinger in “The Mermaid Chair,” Lacey Chabert in “What If God Were the Sun?,” Shannon Elizabeth in “Confessions of an American Bride,” Dana Delaney in “Baby for Sale,” and Terry O’Quinn in “My Stepson, My Lover.” He played neither the stepson nor the lover, but as one IMDb reviewer said, “There’s Not even any good SEX scenes here!”

Here at Warming Glow, we do not spend a great deal of time discussing Lifetime Original Movies. This is not to say these movies aren’t wondrous little slices of television heaven. I mean, no one loves cheaply produced, campy movies more than I do. NO ONE. It’s just that, well, movies about crazed mother-in-laws stealing babies and fleeing from their abusive husbands aren’t always exactly newsworthy to our target demo. However, we do reserve the right to discuss in them in certain circumstances. Like, for example, when Jennifer Love Hewitt plays a prostitute with a hilarious Texas accent. Or when, oh I don’t know, Rob Lowe from “Parks and Recreation” is featured in a trailer for a movie about alleged wife-murderer Drew Peterson and he has blonde hair and a blonde mustache and his only line in the whole backflipping trailer is “I’m untouchable, bitch.”

HOLY CRAP. YOU GUYS. THIS IS THAT SECOND THING.

There’s not much to the trailer beyond the hair, mustache, and that line, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why you would need anything more. Seriously, let’s just cancel the Emmys and mail them all to Rob Lowe’s house. I think he’s earned it.

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Nuh-uh girrrrl, they did not EVEN! Lifetime’s gonna get more sass than they can handle when they remake Steel Magnolias with an all-black cast.

Lifetime is developing an original movie based on the hit feature, which will be produced by Craig Zadan and Neil Meron and Sony Pictures TV… Kenny Leon, who directed the 2008 ABC movie A Raisin In The Sun, is attached to direct the new Steel Magnolias, which, like the movie, will be set in Louisiana and explore the bond among a group of women in the present day.

The feature boasted an all-star cast of Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Shirley MacLaine, Darryl Hannah, Olympia Dukakis, and Julia Roberts. The goal of the TV movie’s producers is to assemble a similarly high-wattage cast of black actresses. [Deadline]

“Hello, Halle Berry? I’m calling from Lifetime–” *click*
“Hello, Oprah? I’m calling from Lifetime–” *click*
“Hello, Angela Basset? Would you be interested in a Lifetime orig–” *click*
“Hello, Jada Pinkett Smith? We’re remaking Steel Magnolias at Lifetime–” *click*
“Hello, Gabrielle Union? Would you be interested in joining the cast of Lifetime’s Steel Magnolias project? Right now the cast is Whoopi Goldberg and Shannen Doherty in blackface.”

Sad news for fans of reality TV shows about macadamia nut farming: Lifetime has canceled “Roseanne’s Nuts,” on account of nobody on the planet having any desire to watch Roseanne Barr in Hawaii.

The reality series, which followed Barr, her partner Johnny Argent and son Jake Pentland as they lived and worked on their macadamia nut and livestock farm in Hawaii premiered in July to 1.3 million viewers, according to Nielsen.

After early ratings success evaporated, Lifetime shifted the series from its Wednesday time slot to Fridays and by the end of its 16-episode run, viewership had diminished to nearly half its premiere numbers. [THR]

I sat here for five minutes without typing a word because this story is so boring. I have absolutely nothing to say about Roseanne or her dumb reality show. I can’t even care enough to dislike it. So whatever, here’s a bird on an escalator.

[GIF by the frogman]