There are a few news items and updates floating around right now that don’t really require a full post, so I’m going to knock them out here real quick-like. After that, it’s back to your steady diet of funny game show answers and boobs.

Emily Maynard is the new Bachelorette – Two things about this story: 1) They’re making a big deal about her having a 6-year-old kid, making her the first single mom Bachelorette. Now, I have a strict “don’t tell people how to raise their kids unless they put them on TLC” policy, but I will say this: I really wouldn’t have wanted to watch my mom play kissyface on TV with like a million dudes when I was six. Nope. Not at all. 2) When playing up her tough love life, they’ve been equating her fiancé (and child’s father) dying in a plane crash with the fact that she broke up with the one Bachelor dude after the show. Stop that. [ABC]

Tracy Morgan had a weird time at Sundance – The “30 Rock” star passed out, was rushed to the hospital, and left Utah with an oxygen tank due to an adverse reaction to the altitude. Supposedly. The important thing about this story is that “Oxygen Tanks” would be a great headline if Oprah’s channel ever goes bankrupt. Dibs. [TMZ]

Paula Deen’s publicist quit over Deen hawking diabetes medicine – “Although we had a great deal of fun along the way, I could not agree with the new business strategy going forward. Nonetheless, I wish them continued success.” I ran this through my publicist translator, and it spit out “Paula Deen is such a terrible and offensive hypocrite that I’m quitting even though she makes me a sh-tload of money.” I don’t often praise publicists, but kudos to you, ma’am. [NY Post]

Jay Leno’s right to tell lazy, offensive jokes is protected by the First Amendment – So I guess Jay Leno showed a picture of the Golden Temple of Amritsar in India and said it was Mitt Romney’s summer home. HAHA GOOD ONE, JAY! It justifiably made a group of Indian Sikhs kind of upset, but the U.S. State Department came out and said it was protected First Amendment speech, which is true. Here ends the saga of Latenight McFartypants and the Bill of Rights. [BBC]

Thank you for bearing with me. Here is a picture of a cupcake with a peanut butter cup and an Oreo stuffed in it.

Links via TV Tattle, cupcake via Buzzfeed

I feel like every time I fill in, I post some sort of “Community” mash-up or song thingy. I get that some of you may not have the love for the show that Matt and I do. That’s fine. But you will NOT disrespect DJ Steve Porter on my watch. Do you hear me? NEVER.

WG Behind the Scenes: When I emailed this story to Matt yesterday, the entire body read “HOLY SH-T. MATT. THIS LINK,” and he responded, “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.” TNT Orders Pilot About Crime-Solving Dog [Warming Glow]

What? It’s all about her? Doesn’t sound like the Tyra I know. Tyra Banks’ iTunes playlist must be seen to be believed. [Best Week Ever]

Pretty cool… but not Triceratops Dog cool. The Hilarious Photoshops of True American Dog. [UPROXX]

Yes, please. Norm MacDonald wants to write Oscar jokes for Eddie Murphy. I support this kind of thinking. [Saturday-Night-Live]

The Weirdest Thing I’ve Ever Done. Here’s a post I did for With Leather about what I think a bunch of baseball players probably smell like. Nyjer Morgan’s got what plants crave! [With Leather]

I love this bastard. Tumbl on, you crazy douche. Jean-Ralphio from Parks & Recreation is my spirit animal. [EffYeahJeanRalphio]

More links after the jump, including more me and the greatest rap song ever produced.

Slide 6 completes me. Chris Evans Is Having a Blast on the Set of Avengers [Film Drunk]

Look, I get it. Hoverboards are cool. But there is a zero percent chance anyone but Shaun White could ride one without cracking open their skull like an egg. Nike Releasing Product From “Back To The Future 2″ That Isn’t A Hoverboard [Gamma Squad]

I do a pretty awesome Lil Wayne impression. Just wanted you to know that. “Tha Carter IV” Sells A Million, Lil Wayne Ascends The Throne [Smoking Section]

Sold. 17 Photobooth Pictures Featuring Puppies [Buzzfeed]

But where’s the dishwasher? Kate Winslet Talks Nude Scenes. And Yes, That Is a Purple Monkey. [FARK]

San Dimas or GTFO. The Best and Worst Schools in Movies [Moviefone]

This is disquieting. The Cast of “Sons of Anarchy” All Cleaned Up [Pajiba]

You have no clue how many bad action movies I’ve seen. Making up fake names and descriptions of action movies characters is pretty much my favorite thing ever. [My Tumblr Thingy]

I refuse to believe this isn’t the greatest rap song ever made. There’s not nearly enough music being made these days about evil aliens who are awesome at basketball.

Brian Bosworth at his finest. An in-depth scene breakdown of Stone Cold by Danger Guerrero. [FilmDrunk]

‘Sons of Anarchy’ fan art. Pretty good, but if I were artistically capable, I’d make Polly Zobelle a WWII pinup. [Uproxx]

Espadrilles are the new golf spikes. Olivia Munn looked fantastic while pretending to play golf in Puerto Rico. Then she put on a bikini. Hooray! [With Leather]

Something for the ladies. David Beckham at the beach. Dammit, where’s Victoria? [With Leather]

Celebrities without eyebrows. AKA “how to ruin attractive people.” [Uproxx]

17 Gorgeous Black Cat Cosplay Photos. Apparently Black Cat is Spider-Man’s Catwoman? Whatever, the point is there’s cleavage. (P.S. Let’s be a little more careful about using the word “gorgeous.”) [Gamma Squad]

The stages of Mac fandom. Written by FilmDrunk video editor Oliver Noble. Nice of Vince to let him out of the basement. [MentalFloss]

The 9 Most Depressing Movies of the Last 9 Years. I disagree about Winter’s Bone. That movie was too metal to be depressing. [ScreenJunkies]

Parents of the year! Three-year-old “Toddlers & Tiaras” star dressed as the hooker from Pretty Woman. Not even the red dress. The hooker-hooker costume. [OK!]

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April O’Neil in April O’Neil cosplay (click for full size):

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This awesome non-apology from Andy Levy to Chris Brown Fox News’s “Red Eye” was everywhere two weeks ago, but it never got posted here ‘cuz Daddy was on vacation. Sorry about that. Let’s just keep it here for posterity.

TV, Murder, and Hurricanes, Oh My. Vince and the boys had me on the Frotcast this week. I haven’t listened to it, but I remember a LOT of jokes about their college friend who murdered his business partner. Good times. [FilmDrunk]

GOD’S AWAY ON BUSINESS. Spencer Hall’s meditation on the start of the college football season is the best thing I’ve read in ages. I’ve read it twice. [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

15 Haunting Film Cinemagraphs. “Cinemagraph” is a fancy word for a special kind of GIF. [UPROXX]

The Best of the 2011 U.S. Open. Hint: It’s all Brooklyn Decker. Well played, Burnsy. [With Leather]

The Justice League goes to the Wild West. Artist Ted Brandt makes the JLA one badass posse. [Gamma Squad]

18 Famous TV Roles Originally Played by Someone Else. Whoa, Louie Anderson was supposed to be Cousin Larry from “Perfect Strangers.” I did not know that. [mental floss]

Three Seasons of ‘Sons of Anarchy’ in Ten Minutes. Very efficient. [ScreenJunkies]

11 ‘Arrested Development’ Shout Outs To Its Actors’ Past Roles. [The Bluth Company]

What’s Really Going on at AMC? A deeper, more nuanced look at the money squabbles that tarnished the network of “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad.” [Vulture]

Zooey Deschanel Is Hilariously Banal. Twenty-five of her Facebook posts, including “What are some of your favorite board games? I love them all.” [BuzzFeed]

(GIF via theclappingmonkey)

I can see it's dangerous for you, but if the government trusts me, maybe you could. Also, woof.

Hey, it’s DG. I’m running the show for one more day, then Matt’s back tomorrow. Since it’s my last day, I’m seriously considering just doing four posts about “Saved by the Bell,” one about how much I hated Oliver from season one of “The O.C.,” and a 70-page slideshow of R&B videos from the 90s. I’ll never be allowed to fill-in again, but it might be worth it.

The lesson I’ve learned from this is that I should recruit old people to work for my Ponzi sche-… I mean my, uh, not… Ponzi… scheme. Nice save, DG. Survey finds Betty White to be the most trusted person in advertising. [Deadline]

I’ve got $40 that says everyone was in cahoots. In the wake of the Situation/Abercrombie flap, “Jersey Shore’s” ratings increased 5%. [THR]

It’s all downhill from here. Just a reminder: the banner pic I MS Painted for the TV chef post on Friday is probably the best thing I’ll ever do around here. [Warming Glow]

Are those… wait a second… they are! KITTEN MITTONS! The “It’s Always Sunny” awkward family photo is delightful.

8.35 is an awful lot of percents. The SNL cast member appearance pie chart is an interesting thing some nerd made. [Buzzfeed]

For the person too dumb too find TNT on their television. A 104-disc complete set of “Law & Order.” [NY Post]

Not if you watch it while doing push-ups, dummies. Survey says TV is bad for your health. Also bad for your health? Being stuck in a locker overnight until the janitor comes in the next morning. So watch it, scientists. [USA Today]

After the jump, more links and a GIF that pretty much encapsulates my whole blogging existence.

Best Wishes, Tara Reid: Celebrating Hollywood’s All-Time Shortest Marriages |UPROXX|

Popular Corporate Slogans Would Make Great Condom Brands |UPROXX|

Meme Watch: Famous Geek Movie Quotes Rewritten for Fancy Gentlemen |Gamma Squad|

The Dugout: SFinal Destination |With Leather|

Meme Watch: Stocking Is the New Planking, Or Something|UPROXX|

Armond White’s 30 Minutes or Less Review Is a Masterpiece |Film Drunk|

How One Draft Pick Clipped the Atlanta Hawks’ Wings |Smoking Section|

16 Things You Should Never Microwave |Buzzfeed|

10 Essential Rules to Making a Good Horror Remake|Moviefone|

What’s the most unfortunately-named band you could possibly think of to play a 9/11 concert? |FARK|

Expectations Vs. Reality: Fast Food |College Humor|

25 Foods You’ll Never Be Able to Eat Again |Ask Men|

6 Shady Flashmobs You Don’t Want to Be a Part Of |The Smoking Jacket|

17 Promising Actors Who Never Lived Up to Their Potential |Pajiba|

15 Funny Fake Celebrity Mugshots |Unreality|

I don't do Photoshop. Instead, please accept this picture I drew of a bunny wearing sunglasses.

Good morning, y’all. I didn’t get to make a proper announcement yesterday about guest editing for Matt while he’s on vacation because I was away all day. Then again, I managed to work in lots of jokes about hitting Kate Gosselin in the face with a pie, about a dozen GIFs of Kelly Kapowski, and an unnecessary cheap shot at the New York Mets. I don’t think I could have summed it up any better than that. We cool? Awesome. Lotsa links comin’.

As mentioned above. Here is the post from yesterday about Leah Remini that I tacked a crapload of Kelly Kapowski GIFs onto because… well, because. However, lady commenter Smello rightfully pointed out that I didn’t include a SINGLE cheesecake photo of Zack Morris, thus neglecting WG’s female readers. So I woke up extra early today, Googled “Mark-Paul Gosselaar butt” and tracked down this NSFW link from “Franklin & Bash.” I love ya, ladies. [Warming Glow]

I love Joel McHale, too. Here’s an interview from Vulture with Joel McHale from “Community” and “The Soup.” Stupid sexy McHale and his super quick wit. [Vulture]

Good. Plenty more time for… uh, flashing? I have no idea what else this girl does. Noted teenage raccoon and former “Gossip Girl” actress Taylor Momsen has quit acting. I, for one, weep for the arts. [Vulture]

Yes, please. Cartoon Network has renewed “Children’s Hospital” for a fourth season. In all seriousness, I can’t recommend this show enough. In somewhat less seriousness, fartspooplolzomg. [Deadline]

Read the first sentence of this story. Best show ever? Best show ever. ABC Family is developing an American version of “Terminales,” a Mexican drama about a woman with cancer. [Deadline]

After the jump, some Uproxx and web familia links, and a couple GIFs of Aziz Ansari from “Parks & Rec.”

John Gotty’s Top 20 Sneakers of All Time |Smoking Section|

The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 8/15 |With Leather|

U.S. Presidents Have Never Been More Awesome Than in the Art of Jason Heuser |Gamma Squad|

The Most Important Political GIF of Our Time |UPROXX|

Remote-Controlled Flying Shark and Clownfish? Yes Please. |Gamma Squad|

It Must Suck to Be Sergio Garcia |With Leather|

Your Angry Letter from Hunter S. Thompson of the Day |Film Drunk|

The 10 Most Highly Anticipated Movies of the Fall |Ask Men|

Miley Cyrus Inducted into the Bowling Hall of Fame |FARK|

The Rock Tweets a Photo from the Set of GI Joe 2 |Moviefone|

Bachelor Pad’s Top 5 Awkward Moments |AOL TV|

10 Formerly Fat Actors Who Need to Go Back to Being Fat |Pajiba|

The Justin Bieber Juggalo Exists |Buzzfeed|

I Photoshopped Cool Cat into Cool Dog’s picture. This is what happens when there are no NFL games on a rainy Sunday. [roboshark]

The Greatest Unscripted Scenes in Film. Everything Robopanda does is golden. This is no exception. [Uproxx]

Breaking: Alex Smith still terrible at football. Burnsy breaks down this past weekend’s NFL preseason “action.” Much better than actually watching the games. [With Leather]

U.S. Presidents: Complete Badasses. Artist Jason Heuer — the man responsible for the Internet-famous image of Abe Lincoln toting an assault rifle while riding a grizzly — has several other paintings of commanders-in-chief looking heroic. See also: FDR the Transformer and George Washington, Zombie Killer. [GammaSquad]

Yep, that looks like the Batwing. I skipped out on watching these spoiler-ish videos of Dark Knight Rises videos, but the Internet certainly didn’t. [FilmDrunk]

The Best and Worst of WWE Summerslam 2011. I’m still not entirely sure what Summerslam is, but I’ve ruled out “music festival.” [With Leather]

More links + a new Alison Brie GIF below.

O HAI. Fancy meeting you here, Miss Brie. [This Is The Internet]

Ugh, Nick Cannon got ANOTHER job. He joins Maya Rudolph in NBC’s forthcoming “Up All Night.” [TV Guide]

Needs more Sofia Vergara. Pictures of the “Modern Family” cast’s arrival in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. [Facebook]

Daniel Tosh gets animated. Comedy Central placed a 10-episode order for a cartoon series about dysfunctional forest rangers called “Brickleberry.” Tosh is attached to produce and voice a character. [Deadline]

Read the first chapter of Tyra Banks’s novel, Modelland. Do not read the first chapter of Tyra Banks’s novel, Modelland. It is terrible. [BuzzFeed]

‘How ’bout a magic trick?’ The sad part about Joker Cat is that he later died from a pill overdose :( [iwtbab]

Yep, someone made Star Wars sushi. The geeky sushi creations of Oki also include Spider-Man and pokemon, but my favorite is probably the tauntaun made from (I think) ginger. “This may taste weird, kid, but it’ll cleanse your palate.” [Gamma Squad]

Deal With It GIFs: Pop Culture Edition. Maske is absolutely right about this meme: it’s a fantastic way to win an argument on the Internet. [Uproxx]

The Professional Wrestling Divas Guide to Fantasy Tight Ends. Burnsy’s savvy discussion of fantasy football coupled with pictures of women with breast implants. Perhaps the internet’s finest moment. [With Leather]

This Week in Movie Posters. Like Vince, I’m very disappointed that the Battleship poster failed to capitalize on Brooklyn Decker’s ample cleavage. [FilmDrunk]

CANNOT BE UNSEEN. Bill Murray’s face on Betty White pictures. Betty White’s face on Bill Murray pictures. These Photoshops have the potential to ruin your day. [Uproxx]

More links, cats, and corgis below.

PARTY CAT! Oh man, Party Cat looks like one chill dude. [flickr via buddhabrot]

An Oral History of ‘The Dana Carvey Show.’ Incredible to think that Dana Carvey in his prime teamed up with Louis C.K., Robert Smigel, Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, and Charlie Kaufman — and ABC canceled it after 7 episodes. [GQ]

Six Songs Used to Torture and Intimidate. I am positively ASTOUNDED that Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” isn’t on that list. That song makes me want to slit my wrists. [mental floss]

The Best Advice Ever from TV Dads. I could have used more Homer Simpson, but this is still getting bookmarked for when I have kids. [Modern Man]

This Is Why Everyone Hates Gwyneth Paltrow. I’ve been reading WWTDD for about five years now, and this is one of my favorite posts Brendon has ever done. [WWTDD]

Your official primer for Corgi Friday: Corgi puppy doesn’t like wearing doggles. [oh have you seen this?]

Of COURSE he’s a shepherd. [420mansion]

The Best of #Michael Bluth. Great, now I’m sad about “Arrested Development” all over again. Some wounds never heal. [UPROXX]

HNNNNNNNNNGGGG Kate Upton’s Scorching Photo Shoot for Complex. Two things that always get me turned on: sexy teenagers and barnyard animals. [With Leather]

Lithuanian Capital City Mayor Is the Honey Badger of Mayors. Seriously, this guy is my hero. Although that’s not a tank; it’s an armored personnel carrier. [UPROXX]

Cheat Sheet: 17 Fascinating Facts About Jack Kirby, King of Comics. Did you know that he was born with a third nipple on his back? That might be true! [Gamma Squad]

John Wall Claims Another Set of Ankles. I think this guy might have a future in basketball. [The Smoking Section]

Just Your Basic Amateur MMA Fight Breaking Out at a Russian Dolphin Pool. Six-way brawl at the slippery edge of a pool. Awesome hilarity ensues. [FilmDrunk]

Suck on THAT, Danger Guerrero. Pregnant woman goes into labor during the bar exam, finishes test. [mental floss]

Shark Week Just Got Sexy. Ladies, remember this one come Halloween. (click for larger) [fckyeahsharks]

‘The Good Wife’ all lookin’ sexy. See, now THAT’S how you advertise a TV show. [EW]

Rob Riggle Signs Development Deal with HBO. The funniest Marine in Hollywood was previously signed with CBS. I like this deal much better. [Deadline]

Six Movie and TV Universes That Overlap in Mind-Blowing Ways. I cannot accept that “The Wire” and “X-Files” exist in the same reality. [Cracked]

Stop Asking Alison Brie for Her Underwear Over Twitter. She much prefers you ask her in person. [ScreenJunkies]

The Ron Swanson Paper Doll. This is the manliest doll ever created. (Full size.) [flannelanimal]

Good morning, everyone! Danger Guerrero here. Matt’s still off doing CrossFit stuff and being an all around healthy-type person, so I’m running the show today. And let me tell you something, I am in a GREAT mood. As Matt referenced once or twice, I spent the vast majority of the past few weeks studying for and taking the bar exam. A lot of people have asked me stuff like “What’s the bar like?” or “Is it really that hard?”, so let me clear this up in the most clear and concise manner I can: the bar exam is a butthole. BUT, that said, I’m all done with it now, and I ain’t doin’ sh-t this week but filling in here today, writing the “Franklin & Bash” season finale recap on Thursday, and watching reruns of “The O.C.” on Soapnet. It’s gonna be glorious. Being unemployed is awesome.

Now that I got that off my chest, onto the links.

I love this guy and you should too. The lovely and talented Josh Kurp gives up a brief history of gambling on TV shows. lWarming Glowl

“CGI Nipples” sounds like an insult Johnny 5 would have used. The Future Sucks: Olivia Wilde Fakes Nude Scene with CGI Nipples |Film Drunk|

Well this seems like a good use of time now that they found a cure for cance-WHAT?! They haven’t?! Internet Explorer Users Much Dumber Than Non-Internet Explorer Users, Says Science |UPROXX|

You’re shocked, I know. So I signed up for Tumblr a little while back to distract myself from studying, and I promptly became best friends from the genius behind LOLSlater. What’s that? SURE I’ll post a Kelly Kapowski GIF! |LOLSlater|

I said this on Twitter, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Jay Cutler broke off his engagement so he wouldn’t be tied down during the final season of “Entourage.” Kristin Cavallari Says Jay Cutler Faked It |With Leather|

If you think about it, wearing a jersey to a sporting event is pretty much the same thing as Cosplay… except 1000000000000000000 times cooler. Other than that, the same. A Compendium of Cool Comics Cosplay: Avengers Edition |Gamma Squad|

And Matt wrote it in cursive AND EVERYTHING. Scarlett Johansson Declines Marine’s Invitation to Ball |Film Drunk|

I want to file a sexual harassment class action on behalf of all the girls who get champagne dumped on them in rap videos. I’ll accept a shiny green suit as payment. Jay-Z and Timbaland Sued for $5 Million for Big Pimpin’ Sample |Smoking Section|

Godspeed, you fancy gentleman. The inimitable Punte (aka Josh Zerkle) is leaving Kissing Suzy Kolber. Head over there and wish him the best. |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

OMGIHOPEIT’SPIPPA. (*clicks*) (*sighs*). Spoiler Alert: Parks & Rec Has Cast Tammy 1 |Warming Glow|

Semi-related: I want to show up at the X-Games and give everyone there a buzzcut at gunpoint. Hi, I’m a million years old. Hollywood’s Worst Man-Do Mistakes |Pajiba|

Look, I like Emma Stone. A lot. But Olivia Wilde makes Helen of Troy look like a foot. Emma Stone Vs. Olivia Wilde: Who Ya Got? |Moviefone|

Appealing to the influential “overweight dork” demo, I see. 10 Undeniably Nerdy Burger King Kids Meal Toy Sets |Topless Robot|

SMILE EVERYBODY! IT’S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!