Ten Pointless, Expensive On-Screen Props I Need to Own

01.25.12 Written by Josh


Earlier this week, we published a post about how someone was selling a piece of the Aggro Crag from Nickelodeon’s “GUTS” on eBay. We’re still not totally sure if it was real or not, but I choose to think it was because SCREW YOU, DON’T MESS WITH MY CHILDHOOD.

But that extremely pricey, totally useless piece of history got me wondering what other on-screen treasures you could purchase through eBay. First, I typed in “Alison Brie underwear” and “Raylan Givens hat,” and after my results returned nothing but signed photos and books (blah), I did a more general search for “TV merchandise props.” Here are ten expensive, literally as-seen-on-TV items I absolutely want and obviously need.

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End of the Golden Age of TV? Not Quite, New York Times

12.16.11 Written by Josh

Why, New York Times, why? Last week the Grey Lady published an article about TV’s increasing reliance on social media and GIFs, which never once mentioned Dan Harmon, probably the only showrunner who’s ever said the word “GIF” in an interview. (Kurt Sutter might have said it, too, but he probably thinks it means something inappropriate even for this website.) Now there’s: “Clues That Lead to More Clues That Add Up to Nothing.”

I agree with most of the first half of the article, which argues that the creative team behind “Lost” was so involved with laying out clues in the first three seasons of the show that the final three were an absolute mess, the writers involved in an “ever-growing pile of unsolved mysteries, madly skimming Wikipedia entries on space-time geometries and black holes.” But when the Times writer claims, “Lost” was like a dirty bomb that made the world unsafe for serial dramas to this day,” she began to lose me. And she totally lost me at:

In the wake of “Lost,” network and cable executives seem to crave ever bigger (and emptier) televisual thrill pellets. Forget that the very best dramas of the current golden age — “The Sopranos,” “Six Feet Under,” “The Wire,” “Mad Men,” “Breaking Bad” — build suspense through careful character development, restrained dialogue and meticulous storytelling. “Lost” produced a dangerous addiction to spectacular, heart-stopping pilots with very little clue where to go from there.

Sure, networks pretty quickly began emulating “Lost,” and they pretty much all sucked. Remember “FlashForward” and “The Event”? Terrible. But two of the examples she gives, “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” came three and four years after “Lost” premiered. (She also later refers to the quality of “Mad Men” in the past tense, even though season four was its best yet, with its greatest episode, “The Suitcase.”) “Lost” clearly couldn’t have done that much damage because while it was still on, two of the greatest slow-paced dramas ever, “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” premiered. To further prove her point, she offers up three more “twist-and-turn-packed sloppiness” series in “The Killing,” “Homeland,” and “American Horror Story.” Yes, two of those are sloppy (not “Homeland”), but at no point are “Game of Thrones,” “Justified,” “Boardwalk Empire,” “Friday Night Lights,” “Sons of Anarchy,” or “The Good Wife” brought up. And that’s not to mention “Battlestar Galactica,” “Pushing Daisies,” “Veronica Mars,” etc. all of which took major dramatic risks, and mostly succeeded.

There are always going to be dumb dramas on TV, just as shi*ty music and movies will always be sold and released. But to claim “some of us have been burned too many times to head back into that jungle maze yet again” is to ignore some of the greatest dramas of all-time, all of which premiered after “Lost” supposedly destroyed the genre. One more thing: when you say “Lost”’s “toxic stain…threatens, even in death, to kill the current golden age of television,” are we just ignoring the fact that we’ve never had such a plethora of quality sitcoms as we do right now. Like, ever, in the history of television.

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A Brief History of Gambling on TV Shows

07.29.11 Written by Josh

Earlier this week, our briefly departed tyrannical leader, Mr. Ufford, posted an article about how bookmakers Paddy Power have given odds on how Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, will depart “Two and a Half Men.” Gambling on TV shows, particularly when it involves death, isn’t all that different from putting money on a sports game because you have no idea what the outcome is going to be (“WILL TONY DIE?” ASKS 2007). Unless you work for the show, or know someone who works for the show, or have access to a screener, or…

So it’s completely unlike a sports game, which is why there aren’t many opportunities to do it (with the exception of reality shows—ironically, I hear season two “American Idol” winner Ruben Studdard was last seen hanging outside of an OTB in Fresno). On the following pages are a few examples of bets that you could have placed on scripted series, with a last page bonus of the odds for this year’s Emmys.

Let the neon claws of Gamblor guide you.

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‘Lost’ Reunion: Terry O’Quinn Has to Go Back to the Island

06.21.11 Written by Matt

Terry O’Quinn — my third-favorite thing about “Lost” after Michael Emerson and Evangeline Lilly’s body — is headed back to the islands where he filmed six seasons of “Lost,” joining the cast of “Hawaii Five-0″ in a recurring role.

O’Quinn will play a Navy Seal Lt. Commander who trained Alex O’Loughlin’s McGarrett in Coronado, and served with his father in Vietnam. Described as strong, stubborn and a man you want in your corner when things go south, the character holds some of the answers to the mysteries surrounding the respective murders of McGarrett’s mother and father. [TV Line]

Of course, Daniel Dae Kim — Jin on “Lost” — is already a series regular on “Five-O,” which means that the CBS hit is slowly turning into the ABC phenomenon. Heck, Alex O’Loughlin is close enough to Jack Shephard. Grace Park can fill in for Yunjin Kim as the token hot Korean chick. Scott Caan can grow his hair out and eat whatever he wants: BOOM, he’s Hurley. Now all we need is a plane crash, some time travel, and millions of suckers who think the story will end in a satisfying way.

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Like a Boss.

06.21.11 Written by Matt

Doug Hutchison, a 51-year-old actor who appeared in “Lost” and “The X-Files,” married a 16-year-old singer named Courtney Stodden last month in a ceremony that older men everywhere are calling “totally awesome.”

At least, that’s the story from E! Online. Celebuzz found a modeling page of Stodden that lists her at 17, while Hollywood casting directors with eyes would describe her as “too old” to play a high school girl. Regardless of her true age, she’s still young enough to need her mother’s permission to marry this gnarly pervert.

As much as I applaud scoring teenage tail in your 50s, I can’t help but question the wisdom of marrying a 16-year-old. I mean, sure, they’re great to get pregnant, but you don’t want to raise a kid with them. That’s why I never tell high school girls my real name.

(Click through for Stodden’s terrible music, her super-classy modeling photos, and Hutchison’s creepier roles.)

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