Earlier this week, we published a post about how someone was selling a piece of the Aggro Crag from Nickelodeon’s “GUTS” on eBay. We’re still not totally sure if it was real or not, but I choose to think it was because SCREW YOU, DON’T MESS WITH MY CHILDHOOD.

But that extremely pricey, totally useless piece of history got me wondering what other on-screen treasures you could purchase through eBay. First, I typed in “Alison Brie underwear” and “Raylan Givens hat,” and after my results returned nothing but signed photos and books (blah), I did a more general search for “TV merchandise props.” Here are ten expensive, literally as-seen-on-TV items I absolutely want and obviously need.

Price: $2,000
Description: “The fish cookie cutter and Dharma stamp that goes onto the fish were made by Renegade, as well as the salmon pink ginger-cinnamen edible cookie dough. Renegade made the Dharma Fish bisquits for “Lost.”

Price: $900.00
Description: “really nice condition, this is a one of a king item, 100% authentic thank your letter and Webster personal white house jacket that was given as a gift, the leather and photo is in a nice folder with minor wear and the jacket is in excellent condition.you will also received a written fan card that Webster wrote back to a fan but it was never mailed, this is truly a gift to have in your collection.”

Price: $5,555
Description, from contestant Ozzy Lusth: “This is a one of a kind, MY ACTUAL IMMUNITY NECKLACE. I have decided to let it go so I can raise a little capital to shoot a cool sizzle reel to sell a show. This is the best IMMUNITY NECKLACE EVER!! i am biased…This is a work of beauty, I am sad to let it go but I must move on and try to build another cool show. Help me keep the adventure going!

If so desired I will personally deliver the necklace and spend a few hours with you talking about my experiences out in the wild! All I need is airfare taken care of, or you can come and personally pick it up! I will include Photos, a handmade Certificate of Authenticity and a few other goodies to the Lucky person that can get a hold of this very special piece of Survivor History! It will be worth every penny as I will give you all the juicy gossip you will never hear from anyone! shoot ill even throw in the Pants I wore on the show!”

Price: $999.99
Description: “Keyboard he plays during the opening sequence of the hit television series.”

Price: $375.00
Description: “You are Bidding on 1 Original Vintage 1989 “Claymation” Character Clay Model Face Sculpture (looks like Leader Singer “A.C.”?) – Hand Modeled by a Will Vinton Studio Artist during a Special Appearance at a Show held in Portland Oregon in 1989.”

Price: $264.00
Description: “DOROTHY CHEATS WITH A MARRIED MAN, GLEN, PLAYED BY ALEX ROCCO.”

Price: $725.00
Description: “ORIGINAL 60′S STAR TREK TAN SMALL TRIBBLE SCREEN USED FROM MAJEL BARRETTS (GENE RODDONBERRYS WIFE) ESTATE.”

Price: $2,998.98
Description: “This is the original head of the Demon Lorne, which was used in Season 2 Episode 22 “There’s No Place Like Plrtz Glrb.” This item is encased in a football helmet display case and is decorated with a scarf. The robotics used in the production are not included. This listing has been authorized by the Executor of the Estate from the late actor Andy Hallett.” (Emphasis mine…)

Price: $3,000.00
Description: “You are looking at a Macho Man Randy Savage ring worn & AUTOGRAPHED cowboy hat. This was worn during the “Macho King” era 1990-1991. The front crystal design is missing from the hat…Randy wore this in many promos at the beginning of his feud with “The Ultimate Warrior,” as well as in a match against KoKo B. Ware that is on youtube.”

Price: $1,000.00
Description: “For Sale is an extremely rare Muppet head from the show Dinosaurs that ran on ABC from 1991-1994 and was voiced by Kevin Clash aka Elmo. It is in excellent condition and has been stored for 20 years with no deterioration of the latex foam. This is a great piece of Muppet memorabilia that anyone would be lucky to own. It is just the shell with no animatronics, the inner latex core it is resting on is just for support.”

Why, New York Times, why? Last week the Grey Lady published an article about TV’s increasing reliance on social media and GIFs, which never once mentioned Dan Harmon, probably the only showrunner who’s ever said the word “GIF” in an interview. (Kurt Sutter might have said it, too, but he probably thinks it means something inappropriate even for this website.) Now there’s: “Clues That Lead to More Clues That Add Up to Nothing.”

I agree with most of the first half of the article, which argues that the creative team behind “Lost” was so involved with laying out clues in the first three seasons of the show that the final three were an absolute mess, the writers involved in an “ever-growing pile of unsolved mysteries, madly skimming Wikipedia entries on space-time geometries and black holes.” But when the Times writer claims, “Lost” was like a dirty bomb that made the world unsafe for serial dramas to this day,” she began to lose me. And she totally lost me at:

In the wake of “Lost,” network and cable executives seem to crave ever bigger (and emptier) televisual thrill pellets. Forget that the very best dramas of the current golden age — “The Sopranos,” “Six Feet Under,” “The Wire,” “Mad Men,” “Breaking Bad” — build suspense through careful character development, restrained dialogue and meticulous storytelling. “Lost” produced a dangerous addiction to spectacular, heart-stopping pilots with very little clue where to go from there.

Sure, networks pretty quickly began emulating “Lost,” and they pretty much all sucked. Remember “FlashForward” and “The Event”? Terrible. But two of the examples she gives, “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” came three and four years after “Lost” premiered. (She also later refers to the quality of “Mad Men” in the past tense, even though season four was its best yet, with its greatest episode, “The Suitcase.”) “Lost” clearly couldn’t have done that much damage because while it was still on, two of the greatest slow-paced dramas ever, “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” premiered. To further prove her point, she offers up three more “twist-and-turn-packed sloppiness” series in “The Killing,” “Homeland,” and “American Horror Story.” Yes, two of those are sloppy (not “Homeland”), but at no point are “Game of Thrones,” “Justified,” “Boardwalk Empire,” “Friday Night Lights,” “Sons of Anarchy,” or “The Good Wife” brought up. And that’s not to mention “Battlestar Galactica,” “Pushing Daisies,” “Veronica Mars,” etc. all of which took major dramatic risks, and mostly succeeded.

There are always going to be dumb dramas on TV, just as shi*ty music and movies will always be sold and released. But to claim “some of us have been burned too many times to head back into that jungle maze yet again” is to ignore some of the greatest dramas of all-time, all of which premiered after “Lost” supposedly destroyed the genre. One more thing: when you say “Lost”’s “toxic stain…threatens, even in death, to kill the current golden age of television,” are we just ignoring the fact that we’ve never had such a plethora of quality sitcoms as we do right now. Like, ever, in the history of television.

Earlier this week, our briefly departed tyrannical leader, Mr. Ufford, posted an article about how bookmakers Paddy Power have given odds on how Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, will depart “Two and a Half Men.” Gambling on TV shows, particularly when it involves death, isn’t all that different from putting money on a sports game because you have no idea what the outcome is going to be (“WILL TONY DIE?” ASKS 2007). Unless you work for the show, or know someone who works for the show, or have access to a screener, or…

So it’s completely unlike a sports game, which is why there aren’t many opportunities to do it (with the exception of reality shows—ironically, I hear season two “American Idol” winner Ruben Studdard was last seen hanging outside of an OTB in Fresno). On the following pages are a few examples of bets that you could have placed on scripted series, with a last page bonus of the odds for this year’s Emmys.

Let the neon claws of Gamblor guide you.

Terry O’Quinn — my third-favorite thing about “Lost” after Michael Emerson and Evangeline Lilly’s body — is headed back to the islands where he filmed six seasons of “Lost,” joining the cast of “Hawaii Five-0″ in a recurring role.

O’Quinn will play a Navy Seal Lt. Commander who trained Alex O’Loughlin’s McGarrett in Coronado, and served with his father in Vietnam. Described as strong, stubborn and a man you want in your corner when things go south, the character holds some of the answers to the mysteries surrounding the respective murders of McGarrett’s mother and father. [TV Line]

Of course, Daniel Dae Kim — Jin on “Lost” — is already a series regular on “Five-O,” which means that the CBS hit is slowly turning into the ABC phenomenon. Heck, Alex O’Loughlin is close enough to Jack Shephard. Grace Park can fill in for Yunjin Kim as the token hot Korean chick. Scott Caan can grow his hair out and eat whatever he wants: BOOM, he’s Hurley. Now all we need is a plane crash, some time travel, and millions of suckers who think the story will end in a satisfying way.

Doug Hutchison, a 51-year-old actor who appeared in “Lost” and “The X-Files,” married a 16-year-old singer named Courtney Stodden last month in a ceremony that older men everywhere are calling “totally awesome.”

At least, that’s the story from E! Online. Celebuzz found a modeling page of Stodden that lists her at 17, while Hollywood casting directors with eyes would describe her as “too old” to play a high school girl. Regardless of her true age, she’s still young enough to need her mother’s permission to marry this gnarly pervert.

As much as I applaud scoring teenage tail in your 50s, I can’t help but question the wisdom of marrying a 16-year-old. I mean, sure, they’re great to get pregnant, but you don’t want to raise a kid with them. That’s why I never tell high school girls my real name.

(Click through for Stodden’s terrible music, her super-classy modeling photos, and Hutchison’s creepier roles.)

Holy good God, this song is awful. It sounds like Ke$ha’s music with lower production values. And I think a better title might have been “Don’t Put It In Me.” Because she’s underage, you see.

New rule: if a 16-year-old looks like this, it’s not illegal to sleep with her. It’s just not.

(images via BuzzFeed)

Stodden competed in the Miss Teen USA Washington pageant.

America, where 51-year-old dudes can still marry 16-year-olds. (*sniff*) “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Looooord…”

"...and THAT'S for the flash-sideways!"

Last night marked the return of Olivia Wilde to “House” as dangerous mysterious beautiful bisexual genius doctor Thirteen — easily one of the most realistic TV characters ever created. And as you can see in the video below, one of her scenes last night involved her showing up at the house of “Lost” co-creator Damon Lindelof and kneeing him in the groin. Strangely, I found myself jealous of both of them.

Now, I didn’t see the episode, but I choose to believe that Lindelof was appearing as himself, and not playing a character. I like the idea of Thirteen being on a rampage because of the way “Lost” ended. “All right, we’re settled up for the purgatory thing. Now let’s go to Michael Bay’s house — he still owes me twelve dollars for Transformers 2.”

[via TV Tattle]

He's a pilot. Get it?

The majority of new shows are complete bullcrap. Of the dozens of shows that premiered on a network channel during the 2010-2011 season, only three have been any good: “Bob’s Burgers,” “Lone Star,” and “Raising Hope” (all Fox shows incidentally) — and only “Hawaii Five-0″ was a breakout success.

All we have between May (when shows are picked up) and September (when they air) is optimism that this year will be as good as, say, the 1999-2000 season, when “Freaks and Geeks,” “Angel,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” “The West Wing,” “Popular,” and “Shasta McNasty” all debuted. With that in mind, here are the ten new pilots that sound the most promising.

#10. “How to Be a Gentleman”

“Homer and Marge Simpson raise Bart, Lisa, and baby Maggie.” That’s how my DVR describes “The Simpsons”, the greatest show of all time. Point is, it’s tough to judge a show by its blurb, especially when it comes to sitcoms. So, when deciding what new shows to watch, you’re left with two options: what do critics think and whether it stars anyone you like. The Wrap says “How to Be a Gentleman” is about “an oddball friendship between a straitlaced columnist and his less cultured pal/trainer” (ugh), starring Dave Foley, Rhys Darby, and David Hornsby, a.k.a. Rickety Cricket (not ugh).

#9. “Locke and Key”

TV shows with puns in their titles should usually be avoided like…well, like “Miss Match,” that horrific NBC show starring Alicia Silverstone from 2003 (God, I miss Jeff Zucker), but “Locke and Key” has potential. It’s based on a graphic novel (a phrase you’ll read again later) and has family patriarchs getting murdered, uncles played by “Carnivàle” actors, secret keys, and, most importantly, a creative team that includes Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci, and One Hour Photo director Mark Romanek. [Kurtzman and Orci are the geek heroes who wrote "Alias," Star Trek, Cowboys & Aliens, and -- less sexily -- the last two Transformers movies. -Ed.]

#8. “Alcatraz”

“Undercovers” notwithstanding, J.J. Abrams has an excellent track record on television, including “Felicity,” “Lost,” “Alias,” and “Fringe.” Along with former “Lost”-er Jorge Garcia and Sam “Not from the Front, but From the Side” Neil, Abrams is hoping to duplicate his previous successes with “Alcatraz,” about a team of FBI agents looking into the disappearance of a group of prisoners from 30 years ago. If it’s anything like The Rock, it’s worth a season pass on your DVR.

[Ed. note: The show will also star Sarah Jones, AKA Polly Zobelle from Season 2 of "Sons of Anarchy."]

Recently, DirecTV began airing episodes of “Damages” with subtitles that help explain background information viewers might not know if they missed previous episodes of the complex legal drama.

The on-screen subtitles function as a primer of sorts, appearing every few minutes to flesh out a twisty plot turn or reveal a character’s sinister motives…

“It’s a way to say to viewers, ‘It’s not too late to get involved in this show,’” said Paul Guyardo, DirecTV’s chief marketing officer. “And it might keep new viewers from throwing in the towel if they can watch episodes that give them extra background and context.” [LA Times]

As cable networks and scripted series fight harder to retain viewers, it’s likely that these expository subtitles will become widely available across all cable platforms. In a Warming Glow EXCLUSIVE, the following pages reveal how those subtitles will look for some of TV’s most popular shows.

“American Idol” judges Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez — pictured here in photos from the previous century — will both perform on the show this season, according to “Idol” producer Nigel Lythgoe. Meanwhile, Randy Jackson will continue to sit on his fat ass, dawg.

Lythgoe says Tyler’s performance will feature his band, Aerosmith. Lythgoe was asked Sunday by xfinitytv.com about Tyler and Lopez performing on this season’s “Idol” finale.

“It will probably be before that, actually,” he said at LA auditions for “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Tyler’s Aerosmith bandmate, Joe Perry, was initially critical of Tyler joining “Idol” this season, but they’ve reportedly buried the hatchet. [NY Post]

Reached for comment, Tyler said, “EEYAY-YUH! YAY-YUH! AwokkawoggawoohoooEEEyoohoooooooo… YA!”

On a tangential note, remember the video for “Cryin’”? Of course you do, because you used to masturbate to Alicia Silverstone. Well, the guy who steals her bag in the video (and subsequently gets a boot to the chest) is none other than Josh Holloway, AKA Sawyer from “Lost.” See for yourself:

image via The Big Picture

Danger Guerrero here, kiddies.  Lotsa links, and a couple jokes I recycled from my Twitter.  Let’s dance.

Oh noes there’s a learnin’ in mah funny. A feature I wrote titled, “A Guide to the Bill of Rights.”  It’s informative AND funny, like a textbook about farts. [Uproxx]

That sucks. How’s her voice? Former American Gladiator Storm is homeless. [AOL News]

Ay yo the sun don’t shine forever, but as long as I’m here, I might as well enjoy the weather. Diddy will guest star on “Hawaii Five-0.” [TV Guide]

They forgot about the dinosaur. There was a dinosaur, right? The cast of “Lost” as Disney characters. [The HD Room]

Hey Liz Lemon, this girl is little. Like my mini-sharkpig, or the amount of respect rappers have for women. Chloe Moretz will guest star on “30 Rock.” [PopWatch]

DOUCHE WAR! A solid breakdown of the “Glee” vs. Kings of Leon feud. [Atlas Rocked]

More links after the jump, as well as a GIF of an impatient Kelly Kapowski in a hot tub.

Yeah, you’re a naughty room, aren’t you? Just How Dirty Is Your Hotel Room. [Uproxx News]

… aaaand I’ll be doing this all day. Exclusive Film Drunk interview with Isiah Whitlock, Jr. (Senator Clay Davis of “The Wire”) on the legacy of “Sheeeeeeeee-it.” [Film Drunk]

LOOKATME LOOKATME. Here’s a post I wrote for Film Drunk last week elaborately breaking down the basketball scene from 3 Ninjas.  I’m shameless. [Film Drunk]

Unrelated: Did you realize the first verse of “Informer” by Snow ends with him getting an anal cavity search? Six out of print hip hop albums that we needed yesterday. [Smoking Section]

Well that sucks ass. Spiderman’s past as a human centipede. [Gamma Squad]

Also, for being so fat he wheezed while eating lunch. Packers fan fired for zero judgment. [WithLeather]

I have no idea what this means. Because I am cool. A look at the first MMO’s of 2011. [G4]

Semi-related: I’ll never understand guys who like butts more than boobs. Call me crazy, but I like body parts that don’t have a hole in the center that sh-t comes out of. Playboy’s Jaime Edmondson’s Ultimate NFL Football Gear Gallery. (A little NSFW) [Playboy]

NO NO, DON’T GET MAD KELLY. I’m all done posting for the day! I’LL BE RIGHT THERE.

*Some of you may want to point out that this scene is from “90210,” and therefore it isn’t technically a Kelly Kapowski GIF.  You can bite right into an anthrax lemon, because she’s ALWAYS Kelly Kapowski to me.