"...and THAT'S for the flash-sideways!"

Last night marked the return of Olivia Wilde to “House” as dangerous mysterious beautiful bisexual genius doctor Thirteen — easily one of the most realistic TV characters ever created. And as you can see in the video below, one of her scenes last night involved her showing up at the house of “Lost” co-creator Damon Lindelof and kneeing him in the groin. Strangely, I found myself jealous of both of them.

Now, I didn’t see the episode, but I choose to believe that Lindelof was appearing as himself, and not playing a character. I like the idea of Thirteen being on a rampage because of the way “Lost” ended. “All right, we’re settled up for the purgatory thing. Now let’s go to Michael Bay’s house — he still owes me twelve dollars for Transformers 2.”

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He's a pilot. Get it?

The majority of new shows are complete bullcrap. Of the dozens of shows that premiered on a network channel during the 2010-2011 season, only three have been any good: “Bob’s Burgers,” “Lone Star,” and “Raising Hope” (all Fox shows incidentally) — and only “Hawaii Five-0″ was a breakout success.

All we have between May (when shows are picked up) and September (when they air) is optimism that this year will be as good as, say, the 1999-2000 season, when “Freaks and Geeks,” “Angel,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” “The West Wing,” “Popular,” and “Shasta McNasty” all debuted. With that in mind, here are the ten new pilots that sound the most promising.

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Recently, DirecTV began airing episodes of “Damages” with subtitles that help explain background information viewers might not know if they missed previous episodes of the complex legal drama.

The on-screen subtitles function as a primer of sorts, appearing every few minutes to flesh out a twisty plot turn or reveal a character’s sinister motives…

“It’s a way to say to viewers, ‘It’s not too late to get involved in this show,’” said Paul Guyardo, DirecTV’s chief marketing officer. “And it might keep new viewers from throwing in the towel if they can watch episodes that give them extra background and context.” [LA Times]

As cable networks and scripted series fight harder to retain viewers, it’s likely that these expository subtitles will become widely available across all cable platforms. In a Warming Glow EXCLUSIVE, the following pages reveal how those subtitles will look for some of TV’s most popular shows.

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“American Idol” judges Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez — pictured here in photos from the previous century — will both perform on the show this season, according to “Idol” producer Nigel Lythgoe. Meanwhile, Randy Jackson will continue to sit on his fat ass, dawg.

Lythgoe says Tyler’s performance will feature his band, Aerosmith. Lythgoe was asked Sunday by xfinitytv.com about Tyler and Lopez performing on this season’s “Idol” finale.

“It will probably be before that, actually,” he said at LA auditions for “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Tyler’s Aerosmith bandmate, Joe Perry, was initially critical of Tyler joining “Idol” this season, but they’ve reportedly buried the hatchet. [NY Post]

Reached for comment, Tyler said, “EEYAY-YUH! YAY-YUH! AwokkawoggawoohoooEEEyoohoooooooo… YA!”

On a tangential note, remember the video for “Cryin’”? Of course you do, because you used to masturbate to Alicia Silverstone. Well, the guy who steals her bag in the video (and subsequently gets a boot to the chest) is none other than Josh Holloway, AKA Sawyer from “Lost.” See for yourself:

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image via The Big Picture

Danger Guerrero here, kiddies.  Lotsa links, and a couple jokes I recycled from my Twitter.  Let’s dance.

Oh noes there’s a learnin’ in mah funny. A feature I wrote titled, “A Guide to the Bill of Rights.”  It’s informative AND funny, like a textbook about farts. [Uproxx]

That sucks. How’s her voice? Former American Gladiator Storm is homeless. [AOL News]

Ay yo the sun don’t shine forever, but as long as I’m here, I might as well enjoy the weather. Diddy will guest star on “Hawaii Five-0.” [TV Guide]

They forgot about the dinosaur. There was a dinosaur, right? The cast of “Lost” as Disney characters. [The HD Room]

Hey Liz Lemon, this girl is little. Like my mini-sharkpig, or the amount of respect rappers have for women. Chloe Moretz will guest star on “30 Rock.” [PopWatch]

DOUCHE WAR! A solid breakdown of the “Glee” vs. Kings of Leon feud. [Atlas Rocked]

More links after the jump, as well as a GIF of an impatient Kelly Kapowski in a hot tub.

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