In an interview with E! earlier this week, “Parks and Recreation” executive producer Michael Schur confirmed what everyone who saw last’s week “Operation Ann” episode already assumed: “It’s real. Tom and Ann are dating and will have a relationship for some amount of time.”

So, it’s definitely happening, but is it a good thing? I’m onboard with Tann? Aom? PerkFord? because, as Schur said, “We have a lot of soul-matey relationships…and we just wanted to do a comedy relationship.” Yay comedy, boo love. It also gives both of them something to do (which has occasionally been a problem, especially with Ann) in the post-Entertainment 720/dating Chris Traeger-era of the show.

But just because seemingly every “Parks” character has hooked up with every other “Parks” character at some point (I can’t wait for the inevitable Ron/Donna fling to happen), that doesn’t mean every show should just start pairing characters all willy-nilly like. Here are 10 romantic relationships on other shows that should never by no means ever happen. Happy Valentine’s Day, no one!

From the mouth of a babe: Tina Fey has said time and time again that Liz and Jack will never hook up, even if he bought her all the off-brand Mexican cheese puffs her heart desires. Good. They have a great relationship as is, and if they ever did get together, it would be a disgrace to six seasons worth of near-perfect characterization. Put Frank and Jenna together (again) – they both kind of suck, might as well suck together.

During “Pool Party,” while Jim’s taking a Robert California-guided tour of his house, Cathy needs a Chicken Fight partner and she desperately wonders where Jim is. She’s Pam’s pregnancy replacement in the office, and although Jim and Pam aren’t nearly as charming as they once were (or as they think they still are), it would still be a disgrace for her to become Pam’s replacement…in Jim’s heart. (/blow heads off). Why are the writers even hinting at a fling between Cathy, who’s barely a character, and Jim? Sometimes I think the “The Office” has forgotten how to tell an effective story.

“Happy Endings” has recently hinted at a Dave and Alex reunion, but I like them better as friends. Without benefits. There’s no reason to disrupt the chemistry the cast has as is. Even though Alex is my favorite character on the show, I wouldn’t want another couple to compete with Brad and Jane. They rule.

If the last two seasons of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” have taught us anything, it’s that Larry David works better alone. Or at least without a wife/serious girlfriend. Seasons seven and eight have been the show’s best, partially because the show had run out of Cheryl/Loretta getting agitated at Larry stories. No disrespect is intended towards Cheryl Hines (who’s great on “Suburgatory”) and Vivica A. Fox; it’s just that the show found new momentum by having Larry date an array of women (and trying to woo Cheryl back, only to not want her when he does). Plus, he’s never gonna love someone as much as he does Jeff.

Because it’s more in-character and painfully funny (painful and funny?) to think he’s waiting for her after “New Jersey/Airport” and for them to not get together, than it is for him to wait her and for them to finally hook up. We don’t want to be robbed of moments as hilariously cringe-worthy as when he fu*ks up taking a bath with her. That would rob “Louie” of being “Louie.”

Or, I don’t want them getting back together. Producers have dropped few hints about what’s to come for season two of “Homeland,” but they have said, “Brody and Carrie have only just begun, and there’s an enormous amount unresolved.” I hope that doesn’t mean they’re going to sleep together again, because that would be disastrous from a show that didn’t have a single big misstep in its first season. Restrain yourself, “Homeland.”

I know it’s going to happen because the show has building toward Jess and Nick hooking up practically since episode one, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right decision. “New Girl” has recently found its footing and has settled into a nice comedic groove, and it’s far too easy for the Will They, Won’t They angle to screw up everything. Also, I might be jealous of Nick. Maybe.

HAHAHA. No.

Rachel and Tim are awesome, but “Justified” already has an abundance of awesome. Rachel and Tim ever getting together would detract from all the other awesomeness.

To recap: Rachel and Tim, awesome; Rachel <3 Tim, not awesome.

Oh wait, this is couples we wouldn’t want to see together. But imagine if “2 Broke Girls” actually got rid of the subtext and Max and Caroline just decided that sure, they’re gay, why not? The ratings would skyrocket — and perverted chef Oleg would have a heart attack…Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.

A few weeks ago, the “Mad Men” marketing department sparked some controversy when some overly sensitive types unfamiliar with “Mad Men” imagery got up in arms because the billboard campaign — which showed a man falling against a white background — bore a passing resemblance to “The Falling Man,” a photograph of a man falling from the World Trade Center on 9/11.

The outrage wasn’t loud enough, however, to prompt the AMC ad people to pull the ads. So, the amateur New York City subway graffiti artists did their own redesigns, including the one above, which was discovered by Slate. Over at Gothamist, someone captured several more, and then their photoshopping commenters got into the game, as well.

Take a look at some of the examples, both from subway photos and the photoshops, and if you’d like, I’ve included the original ad should those of you with picture posting capabilities want to get in on the photoshop game, as well. A SUPREME GOD OF PHOTOSHOP badge (or its equivalent) will be awarded to the best design, once those badges are made available.

Here’s the original, if you folks want to play around with it.

And here’s a couple from our readers, the amazing Jean-Ralphio and a nice one from Boylerhaus.

And here’s another from Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo

Look: We’re a TV site. We are professionals. We can’t just post unbelievably hot photos of Christina Hendricks because they exist. We need an excuse to cover our asses so it doesn’t look like we’re hit whoring (pssst. We’re totally hit whoring, but it’s for a good cause.). So, here’s some “Mad Men” “news,” which I’m sure you will “read,” because I will elegantly adorn each “news” item with new photos of Christina Hendricks from her photoshoot in Cosmo (wink, wink).

First up, in a recent interview with Matthew Weiner, he cited one of my favorite films of all time, The Apartment, as a major influence on his television series:

“There’s a very big relationship to it, and anybody who can make a comparison to it, it’s one of the most flattering things that you could ever say. There’s a movie that nobody wanted to make, that people thought was kind of crass and crude. I did not see it until I was in film school. I had seen some Billy Wilder movies as being a part of the culture, but I didn’t know whose they were or whatever. But what I love about that movie is that there is this image that sort of got metabolized of the ‘50s in particular and the high ‘60s and that period basically between Woodstock and, let’s say, Eisenhower.”

“It’s a pretty great movie, and one of the great things about the movie, too, is that there’s so much entertainment in it. There’s an hour and 20 minutes in that movie when all that’s happening is catching the audience up with what’s already happened. You literally come into a situation and you are learning for an hour and 20 minutes that this guy has an apartment, that his boss is using him, that everyone is having sex in this apartment, that he does it all the time. There’s no forward movement in the story, except for the audience finding out what this guy’s life is like. Just narratively it’s fascinating, and then there’s all the planting and payoff.”

“Billy Wilder wrote it with I. L. Diamond – this is like one of the great writing teams of all time, and just the cinema in it, the stuff that’s done…I’d like to claim a relationship to ‘Mad Men’ for that, too. Spoiler alert: Things like the champagne cork going off and you think it’s a suicide. The tennis racket. The compact with the crack in it. The restaurant with the drinks in it. How things are shaping up ‘cookie-wise.’ That’s a contemporary movie. People were seeing people that they knew. It was done in a very sort of classic kind of way. It’s masterful storytelling.” (Source: Popcorn Biz)

If you haven’t, you really should check out The Apartment. Not only will it deepen your appreciation of “Mad Men,” it really is one of the most darkly romantic films of the 20th century. Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacClaine will knock your socks off.

Elsewhere, “Homeland” star Damien Lewis, who was passed over for the role of Don Draper in favor of Jon Hamm, recently expressed his disappointment in not receiving the part.

“I wish I had got the Don Draper role. I’ve got a little bit of a man crush on him,” he said. (Source: The Press Association)

It worked out for the best, I think. Although, the idea of an attractive male and female ginger on the same show has a certain appeal. What do you think, Christina?

That’s what I thought.

Finally, because of the huge success of the first line of “Mad Men” inspired clothing, the show’s costume designer, Janie Bryant, has once again teamed up with Banana Republic to assemble a new line of clothing for the chain retailer.

The 40 new pieces will feature modernised references to the 1960s era like bold cocktail jewellery, abstract floral prints, pops of bright pink, tailored suiting and body-conscious.

Perhaps there will be something like this in the collection.

(Source: Belfast Telegraph)

And don’t forget: “Mad Men” will return on March 25th.

Gentlemen, are you looking for a romantic, yet inexpensive gift for your girlfriend (or boyfriend), wife (or husband, if you live in one of six states), or mother who you have an inappropriately close relationship with? If so, you could do a lot worse than to send them a Hamm-o-Gram. What is this miracle product, you ask?

A Hamm-o-Gram is like a classic telegram where you send a special someone a transcribed message, usually in letter form. It’s just like that except this message is always a picture of handsome actor, Jon Hamm (with a little something extra!)

No two Hamm-o-Grams are the same, they only cost $5, and a portion from each purchase will be donated to A Caring Hand. So, this Valentine’s Day, order one, dine on some Hamm & Buble, and put the Gram next to the bed. Your lady will love it because she’ll be thinking of Don Draper when you do the nasty later, and you’ll love it because it means season five of “Mad Men” is right around the corner. She’ll also owe you a Joan Hollo-bouquet, whenever that becomes a real thing. The flowers will be HUGE.

With “Mad Men” set to return in just over two months (SQUEEEEEEE), it should come as no surprise that the Internet as a collective has already grabbed its beakers and Bunsen burners and run off to its laboratory to start creating all sorts of mashups and assorted content related to the show. Over the weekend, we were treated to two especially good examples of this mad scientizing (official term). The first, via Buzzfeed, is the above video inserting Darth Vader and the Stars Wars theme into the “Mad Men” title sequence. It’s a cool idea, and it’s executed pretty well, unlike the last three Star Wars films (BOOM)(okay, fine, I haven’t seen any of them)(still, BOOM).

The other piece of “Mad Men” magic we were introduced to over the weekend was the Tumblr Sterling Archer Draper Pryce, which features images from “Mad Men” combined with quotes from “Archer,” and vice versa. Internet, if you’re reading this, allow me to paraphrase a notable Miami detective when I say, “Now THAT’S how you supposed to mash-up! From now on, that’s how you mash-up! Oh man, I want my next Tumblr to mash-up like that. WOOOOO… it takes a dysfunctional motherf-cker to mash-up two shows like that. That’s some dysfunctional sh-t! [writes profanity-free rap song about it, puts entire family in the music video]

I’ve included a few of my favorite Sterling Archer Draper Pryce images after the jump, including one made by the geniuses at the Uproxx mothership. Enjoy.

YEESH.

R.I.P.

First the you-have-to-be-kidding-me news: AMC announced this weekend that “The Killing,” the show that made it possible for Denmark to bomb us with reasonable cause, will return on April 1. They’re fu*king with us? There’s no other reason why season two of the “best show on TV” would start on April Fool’s Day, which is also the same night the (maybe) ACTUAL answer for the best show on TV, “Game of Thrones,” returns to HBO.

But more importantly:

-AMC also officially confirmed the March 25 premiere date for season five of “Mad Men.” But also added that the premiere will be two hours.

-The previously announced third season of “The Walking Dead” will be 16 episodes — three episodes longer than season two.

– While there’s no official date for “Breaking Bad” season five, AMC says the show will return sometime in the third quarter of this year. (EW.com)

So, yeah, “Breaking Bad,” “Mad Men,” “Game of Thrones,” “Homeland,” “Justified,” “Sherlock,” “The Walking Dead,” “Boardwalk Empire” — I’m liking 2012, and those are just the returning dramas. Also, we all agree to ignore “The Killing” on April 1 and watch “Game of Thrones” instead, right? Right.

There has been an unbelievable amount of great TV news today. We’ve already covered the return of “Community” and the now official “Party Down” movie, as well as the “Eastbound & Down” Season 3 trailer, but there’s also been the announcements that “Mad Men” will return on March 25th (!), and that my favorite comedy-nerd podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, will be turned into a TV show for IFC. All of these things are important, and they’re really exciting given the barren wasteland of crappy reality shows and exploited children doing horrifying things we usually have to cover around here. It’s a nice breath of fresh air, and I had every intention of using this post to remind us to be thankful for such great day for fans of good, smart television.

But then “Good Morning America” weatherman Sam Champion went right ahead and drew an entire ding-a-ling across the top of the United States, and I laughed for ten straight minutes, took a screencap of it, and posted it at the top of the page. It was completely out of my hands. What am I, made of stone?

I can’t be expected to work under these conditions.

via TMZ

Yeah, the waiting is the hardest part...

I know we’ve been not-so-subtly complaining about the lack of TV news this week, but that’s only because we’re so close to the season premieres of “Justified,” “Archer,” and many of our other favorite TV shows — including “Mad Men,” some 500-plus days after “Tomorrowland.” And inevitable new favorites, too, like “Are You There, Chelsea?” and the exclamation point-less “Rob.” It’s tough to get excited about Ryan Murphy telling people to re-watch “American Horror Story” when you know Emmy Rossum doing body shots is right around the corner.

You can check out the full list of returning series after the jump, but for the crowd who only cares about when “Eastbound & Down” and other WG-approved shows are going to be back (I feel like this guy), here’s an abridged version, sorted by network:

ABC: “Happy Endings”/“Modern Family”/”Suburgatory” (Jan. 4)
NBC: “SNL” (Jan. 7), “30 Rock”/“Parks and Recreation”/“The Office”/”Up All Night” (Jan. 12)
CBS: “How I Met Your Mother” (Jan. 2)
FOX: “The Simpsons” (Jan. 8), “Fringe” (Jan. 13), “New Girl” (Jan. 17), “Bob’s Burgers” (Mar. 11)
FX: “Justified” (Jan. 17), “Archer” (Jan. 19)
AMC: “The Walking Dead” (Feb. 12), “Mad Men” (March)
HBO: “Eastbound and Down” (Feb. 19)
Showtime: “Californication”/”Shameless” (Jan. 8)

New shows worth checking out: FOX’s “Alcatraz” (Jan. 16), HBO’s “Angry Boys” (Jan. 1) and “Luck” (Jan. 29), Showtime’s “House of Lies” (Jan. 8) and “Inside Comedy” (Jan. 26), and FX’s “Unsupervised” (Jan. 19). And, of course, “Game of Thrones” (April), meaning: Pete Campbell vs. Joffrey Baratheon. Who you got?

JANUARY

Sunday, January 1
8:00 Mob Wives (VH1)
9:00 Mama Drama (VH1)
9:00 Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off (Food)
10:00 Angry Boys (HBO)

Monday, January 2
8:00 The Bachelor (ABC)
8:00 Antiques Roadshow (PBS)
8:00 Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family)
8:00 How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
8:30 2 Broke Girls (CBS)
9:00 The Lying Game (ABC Family)
9:00 Hoarders (A&E)
9:00 Two and a Half Men (CBS)
9:30 Mike & Molly (CBS)
10:00 It’s a Brad, Brad World (Bravo)
10:00 Hawaii Five-0 (CBS)
10:00 Intervention (A&E)
10:00 Wife Swap (ABC)

Tuesday, January 3
8:00 The Biggest Loser (NBC)
8:00 Switched at Birth (ABC Family)
8:00 NCIS (CBS)
8:30 Work It (ABC)
9:00 Jane by Design (ABC Family)
9:00 NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS)
10:00 Body of Proof (ABC)
10:00 Jamie’s American Road Trip (BBCA)
10:00 Parenthood (NBC)
10:00 Unforgettable (CBS)

Wednesday, January 4
8:00 The Middle (ABC)
8:30 Suburgatory (ABC)
9:00 Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E)
9:00 Modern Family (ABC)
9:00 Nova (PBS)
9:30 Happy Endings (ABC)
10:00 Steven Seagal: Lawman (A&E)
10:00 Revenge (ABC)

Thursday, January 5
8:00 The Vampire Diaries (CW)
8:00 Wipeout (ABC)
9:00 The Secret Circle (CW)
9:00 Project Runway All Stars (Lifetime)
9:00 Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
10:00 24 Hour Catwalk (Lifetime)
10:00 Jersey Shore (MTV)
10:00 Private Practice (ABC)
12:00 Delocated! (Adult Swim)

Friday, January 6
8:00 Nikita (CW)
8:00 A Gifted Man (CBS)
9:00 Supernatural (CW)
9:00 CSI: NY (CBS)
10:00 Merlin (Syfy)
10:00 Portlandia (IFC)
10:00 Blue Bloods (CBS)

Saturday, January 7
8:00 COPS (FOX)
11:30 Katy Brand’s Big Ass Show (BBCA)

Sunday, January 8
8:00 The Simpsons (FOX)
8:00 Once Upon a Time (ABC)
8:30 The Cleveland Show (FOX)
9:00 Family Guy (FOX)
9:00 The Firm (NBC)
9:00 Shameless (Showtime)
9:00 Desperate Housewives (ABC)
9:00 The Good Wife (CBS)
9:30 American Dad (FOX)
10:00 House of Lies (Showtime)
10:00 Cajun Pawn Stars (History)
10:00 CSI: Miami (CBS)
10:00 Pan Am (ABC)
10:30 Californication (Showtime)

Monday, January 9
9:00 First Week In (Discovery)
10:00 Castle (ABC)
10:00 Caged (MTV)

Tuesday, January 10
10:00 The Game (BET)
10:30 Let’s Stay Together (BET)

Wednesday, January 11
8:00 One Tree Hill (CW)
8:00 Whitney (NBC)
8:30 Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC)
9:00 People’s Choice Awards (CBS)
9:00 Ghost Hunters (Syfy)
10:00 Face Off (Syfy)
10:00 Law & Order: SVU (NBC)

Thursday, January 12
8:00 30 Rock (NBC)
8:00 The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
8:30 Rob (CBS)
8:30 Parks & Recreation (NBC)
9:00 The Finder (FOX)
9:00 The Office (NBC)
9:00 Person of Interest (CBS)
9:30 Up All Night (NBC)
10:00 The Mentalist (CBS)

Friday, January 13
8:00 Kitchen Nightmares (FOX)
9:00 Fringe (FOX)
9:00 Grimm (NBC)
10:00 Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

Saturday, January 14
9:00 Miss America Pageant (ABC)

Sunday, January 15
8:00 Golden Globe Awards (NBC)
8:00 Undercover Boss (CBS)
8:30 Napoleon Dynamite (FOX)
9:00 Leverage (TNT)

Monday, January 16
8:00 Gossip Girl (CW)
8:00 Alcatraz (FOX)
9:00 Being Human (Syfy)
9:30 Betty White’s Off Their Rockers (NBC)
10:00 Lost Girl (Syfy)

Tuesday, January 17
8:00 Glee (FOX)
8:00 90210 (CW)
9:00 Remodeled (CW)
9:00 New Girl (FOX)
9:30 Raising Hope (FOX)
10:00 Southland (TNT)
10:00 Justified (FX)
10:00 White Collar (USA)

Wednesday, January 18
8:00 American Idol (FOX)
9:00 Criminal Minds (CBS)
9:00 Remodeled (CW)
9:00 Mistresses (BBCA)
10:00 CSI (CBS)
10:00 Royal Pains (USA)

Thursday, January 19
10:00 Archer (FX)
10:30 Unsupervised (FX)

Friday, January 20
8:00 Shark Tank (ABC)
9:00 Primetime (ABC)
9:30 On Freddie Roach (HBO)

Sunday, January 22
8:00 American Idol (FOX)

Monday, January 23
8:00 House (FOX)
9:00 Hart of Dixie (CW)

Wednesday, January 25
9:00 Touch (FOX)

Thursday, January 26
10:00 Fat Chef (Food)
11:00 Inside Comedy (Showtime)

Friday, January 27
10:00 Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz)

Tuesday, January 31
9:00 Ringer (CW)
10:00 Tosh.0 (Comedy)
10:30 Key & Peele (Comedy)

FEBRUARY

Thursday, February 2
11:00 I Just Want My Pants Back (MTV)

Friday, February 3
8:00 Who Do You Think You Are? (NBC)

Sunday, February 5
10:00 The Voice (NBC)
12:00 Mary Shelley’s Frankenhole (Adult Swim)

Monday, February 6
10:00 Smash (NBC)

Tuesday, February 7
9:00 The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo)
9:00 The River (ABC)

Sunday, February 12
9:00 The Apprentice (NBC)
9:00 The Walking Dead (AMC)
10:00 Secret Stash (AMC)

Sunday, February 19
12:00 Tight Bros (Adult Swim)

Wednesday, February 22
9:00 Ghost Hunters International (Syfy)

Sunday, February 26
8:30 Academy Awards (ABC)

MARCH

Tuesday, March 6
8:30 Breaking In (FOX)
9:00 Fashion Star (NBC)

Wednesday, March 7
10:00 Monster Man (Syfy)

Sunday, March 11
8:30 Bob’s Burgers (FOX)

Wednesday. March 14
10:00 South Park (Comedy)

Thursday, March 15
12:00 Eagleheart (Adult Swim)

Saturday, March 31
11:30 Peep Show (BBCA)

(Return Dates Via CliqueClack)

Why, New York Times, why? Last week the Grey Lady published an article about TV’s increasing reliance on social media and GIFs, which never once mentioned Dan Harmon, probably the only showrunner who’s ever said the word “GIF” in an interview. (Kurt Sutter might have said it, too, but he probably thinks it means something inappropriate even for this website.) Now there’s: “Clues That Lead to More Clues That Add Up to Nothing.”

I agree with most of the first half of the article, which argues that the creative team behind “Lost” was so involved with laying out clues in the first three seasons of the show that the final three were an absolute mess, the writers involved in an “ever-growing pile of unsolved mysteries, madly skimming Wikipedia entries on space-time geometries and black holes.” But when the Times writer claims, “Lost” was like a dirty bomb that made the world unsafe for serial dramas to this day,” she began to lose me. And she totally lost me at:

In the wake of “Lost,” network and cable executives seem to crave ever bigger (and emptier) televisual thrill pellets. Forget that the very best dramas of the current golden age — “The Sopranos,” “Six Feet Under,” “The Wire,” “Mad Men,” “Breaking Bad” — build suspense through careful character development, restrained dialogue and meticulous storytelling. “Lost” produced a dangerous addiction to spectacular, heart-stopping pilots with very little clue where to go from there.

Sure, networks pretty quickly began emulating “Lost,” and they pretty much all sucked. Remember “FlashForward” and “The Event”? Terrible. But two of the examples she gives, “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” came three and four years after “Lost” premiered. (She also later refers to the quality of “Mad Men” in the past tense, even though season four was its best yet, with its greatest episode, “The Suitcase.”) “Lost” clearly couldn’t have done that much damage because while it was still on, two of the greatest slow-paced dramas ever, “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” premiered. To further prove her point, she offers up three more “twist-and-turn-packed sloppiness” series in “The Killing,” “Homeland,” and “American Horror Story.” Yes, two of those are sloppy (not “Homeland”), but at no point are “Game of Thrones,” “Justified,” “Boardwalk Empire,” “Friday Night Lights,” “Sons of Anarchy,” or “The Good Wife” brought up. And that’s not to mention “Battlestar Galactica,” “Pushing Daisies,” “Veronica Mars,” etc. all of which took major dramatic risks, and mostly succeeded.

There are always going to be dumb dramas on TV, just as shi*ty music and movies will always be sold and released. But to claim “some of us have been burned too many times to head back into that jungle maze yet again” is to ignore some of the greatest dramas of all-time, all of which premiered after “Lost” supposedly destroyed the genre. One more thing: when you say “Lost”’s “toxic stain…threatens, even in death, to kill the current golden age of television,” are we just ignoring the fact that we’ve never had such a plethora of quality sitcoms as we do right now. Like, ever, in the history of television.

This, our first feature post of the post-Ufford Era (*single tear*) is both broad and, except perhaps for the numbering of list, somewhat obvious if you’re a TV fan. But it serves a dual purpose. First, it’s an introduction to our television viewing habits that let’s you know that we’re not going to sell you down the river for a glimpse of Whitney Cummings a$$ crack and that “Two and a Half Men” and The Kardashians will remain fodder for mockery and never, ever viewed or spoken of in earnest.

Second, television reruns dominate the next month and you’re stuck with your family, which is why December is the most popular month of the year for Netflix Instant subscribers (made-up fact) because it is both a good time to catch up on shows you’ve been meaning to watch and a good time to avoid talking to your loved ones. So, these 15 Netflix Instant titles also serve as a primer: For a true television junkie, this is the base of your television-viewing stew, the series you need to be familiar with to get by in this world, to understand pop-culture shorthand. It is knowledge, and knowledge is power, and power is something you can use to gain world domination. Watching “Arrested Development” is the first step in ruling your own small country of topless concubines and lazy peaceniks.

Note: Only series currently available on Netflix Instant are included.

15. Scrubs: J.D. and Turk were the original sitcom bromance, the precursors to today’s Troy and Abed. There’s one thing that neither Troy nor Abed have on “Scrubs,” however, and that’s the Turk Dance, the single greatest minute in single-camera sitcom history. Feel free to skip seasons 5, 6, and 8 (“Scrubs 2.0″).

14. Archer: Only season one is currently available, but that’s plenty to get you started on the best animated series on television right now. It’s funny, subversive, and a little dirty. It is a crime that H. Jon Benjamin has only one Emmy nomination for voice work, and got beat out by Anne Hathaway for a cameo in “The Simpsons.” The man’s voice drips funny.

13. The League: Ostensibly about a fantasy football league, “The League” is really a variation on “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” misanthropy combined with sports metaphors and a “Curb Your Enthusiasm” plot structure. Also, you haven’t lived until you’ve see Jeff Goldblum’s vinegar strokes.

12. Sports Night: This is where Aaron Sorkin’s walk-and-talk began and a forerunner to the modern single-camera sitcom. If you can get past the laugh track during the first season and Sorkin’s occasional unctuousness, “Sports Night” — a behind-the-scenes look at a sports network similar to ESPN — is one of the most clever, heartfelt and passionate television shows of the last 20 years. Shoe Money!

11. Sons of Anarchy: If you look at the history of F/X’s original programming, the network has never failed us, and “Sons of Anarchy” was the drama that started the ball rolling. Some describe it as “The Sopranos” with motorcycles, but it’s much more akin to Hamlet with bad-a$$ motherf*$#ers. Feel free, however, to skip season three. Here’s a blooper reel for SAMCRO converts.

10. Party Down: Little seen during its original run on Starz, “Party Down” has rightfully taken its place among the best cancelled-too-soon television shows. It is hilarious and biting; there’s occasional nudity; you’ll get to see Jane Lynch out of Jane Lynch mode; Adam “The Badger” Scott serves up the best dry wit this side of Michael Bluth; and there’s even an episode that will completely change your perspective on Steve Guttenberg. Here’s a taste.

9. Mad Men: There’s more to “Mad Men” that Christina Hendricks’ rack, the icy cold bitchiness of January Jones, and cool ad spots from the 60s. This period drama starts off slow (reasonable minds will differ, but I found the first two seasons dull in patches) but it’s most certainly the best soap opera on television, and you can even get a taste of Alison Brie over there. Mostly, though, it’s about Hendrick’s backside.

8. Firefly: Look: Either you’re one of the people who have seen “Firefly” and therefore love it, or you’re one of the people who can’t stand it because everyone else won’t shut up about it. It’s 12 episodes at 42 minutes apiece. You can knock it out in a Saturday, and then you can join the correct side of the equation. Here’s the show’s 32 Best Quotes (spoilers).

7. Louie: I know that Ufford was a huge fan of this show, and rightfully so: It’s groundbreaking. A structureless television show built around dark themes and stand-up comedy bits, and it’s one of the funniest most affecting television shows around. It may take a few episodes for you to find Louie C.K.’s rhythm, but once you do, it will rock your world.

6. Doctor Who: This is probably where I’m most likely to differ from my other Warming Glow colleagues, where I reveal my nerdish tendencies. But lookit: If you haven’t seen it, it’s probably not what you think: It’s a richly humane sci-fi show that’s just as concerned with characters as it is with the geeky sci-fi elements. But once you get invested, those sci-fi elements will propel you into the muck of nerddom until one day, you too, will own a TARDIS iPhone cover. You don’t need to watch the entire 30-year history of the show; the 2005 reboot will suit you just fine. And if the sci-fi doesn’t win you over, Karen Gillan should.

5. Parks and Recreation: Another popular show in the Uproxx world for obvious reasons: Ron Swanson may be the funniest character of the last decade, but it’s not just Swanson (or the hilariously dour April Ludgate): It’s unlike almost any modern sitcom: Earnest, unironic, and steeped in sweet sentiment. It’s funny, but it will also make your heart grow three sizes.

4. The Office (UK): The original UK version is still the best, and you can watch the entire series in a weekend’s time. Ricky Gervais mastered the art of uncomfortable comedy, something that the U.S. version has steered clear of since the third or fourth season. There are moments so painful that you may feel compelled to leave the room, but it’s those very moments that make the series payoff that much more satisfying. Before there was a Ron Swanson dance, there was a David Brent dance.

3. Friday Night Lights: Let me put this in terms the Warming Glow crowd will understand: “Friday Night Lights” is to football what Corgi Friday is to Corgis. It’s not about the Corgis. It’s about a shared sense of community, it’s about being thankful, and appreciative and finding something we can all rally around. Watch “Friday Night Lights.” Do it for the Corgis.

2. Arrested Development: I don’t think there’s anything else that can possibly be written about “Arrested Development.” Either you’ve seen it, or you’re a willfully stubborn idiot. It’s appropriate, however, that this show would rank high on a list of the best Netflix Instant series because, in two years, it will be returning exclusively on Netflix ahead of the talked-to-death movie.

1. Breaking Bad: Many people will argue, accurately, that “The Wire” is the best television show of all time. It’s true, but if there’s one show that can sniff its gunpowder residue, it’s “Breaking Bad,” a slow burn of a show that burns from both ends, creating an enormous amount of intensity. It’s brilliant storytelling, the best acting on television, and writing that will blow the threads out of your socks. Here’s another awesome gag reel.