Following the success of Will Ferrell’s appearance on “Man Vs Wild” two years ago, Bear Grylls has enlisted another big-name celebrity for the upcoming season premiere of Discovery’s adventure show: Jake Gyllenhaal. Please read the following blockquotes while listening to the score of Brokeback Mountain:

For two days, Bear and Jake embark on a survival experience neither will forget, to an Icelandic landscape dominated by mountains, huge glaciers and some of Europe’s most active volcanoes [I wonder if there were any eruptions - Ed.]. Jake will have to go where Bear goes, eat whatever Bear eats, and on occasion even take the lead, if he’s going to cope with some of the worst conditions known to man. “For me, it’s all about discovery,” said Gyllenhaal.

Said Bear about the experience, “The wild is always very revealing – not only physically but mentally. You’ve got to smile when it’s driving horizontal hail and be able to face your fears and just get on and do it — and on both of those accounts, Jake came up strong.” [Reality TV Website via Towleroad]

Let the gay innuendo commence. Oh, and don’t even think for a second that that’s all there is. Like Dan Savage always says, it gets better:

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“Man vs. Wild” returns next week, and would you look at that? Awww, Bear Grylls found a cute little seal to play with. Wait, why isn’t the seal moving? The seal’s just sleeping, right? What’s Bear doing with that knife? Oh God NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

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Man Vs. Wild (Discovery) — Season premiere. I’ve never been a die-hard fan of this show, but I’d happily watch highlight reels of it all day. In the new season, Bear gets surprised by a crocodile, navigates a shark-infested channel, and — most notably — suffers a leg injury in the Rockies from a falling camera. Get well soon, buddy.

Hard Knocks (HBO) — Season premiere. The spotlight this season falls on the New York Jets, and the only way it can’t be awesome is if it doesn’t reinforce KSK’s notion of Rex Ryan.

LA Ink (TLC) — Season premiere. This is probably the only show on TLC that doesn’t make me want to punch someone. Probably because I want to make it with Kat Von D. But that’s what happens when you grow up in the carnival working the booth next to the Painted Lady.

Minute to Win It (NBC) — Season finale. How can this have a season finale? It’s a f*cking game show. You can make this bullsh*t 270 days a year. It’s “The Price Is Right” with fancy lights.

I gotta duck out a little early today, folks. I slept half an hour last night, started my day with seeing a dead guy carried off an airplane, and started drinking bourbon two hours ago because it staved off the hallucinations. A fun day for sure, but I need a little sleep now.

It’s a rainy Friday in New York, and I’ve quit work early to venture into Manhattan to get a few minutes of face time with “Man vs. Wild’s” Bear Grylls, who’s speaking with real journalists and even a few lowly bloggers to promote Fan vs. Wild, a competition sponsored by Degree in which four supposedly “lucky” fans compete in wilderness challenges, with the winner appearing in a special episode of “Man vs. Wild” next fall.

After an initial spiel in which Grylls enthusiastically describes the details of the promotion — a relationship that dates back to the Sure/Degree commercial he did after climbing Everest, the ad that got him noticed by Discovery Channel — we rotate through for one-on-one interviews. He greets me warmly, his climbers’ forearms bulging with veins. Even at the end of winter, he is tan. I feel unattractive.

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This may smell bad, kid, but it’ll keep you warm. To promote “Man vs. Wild” in Australia, the Discovery Channel made this camel carcass — similar to the one Bear Grylls inhabited in the Sahara — available to passers-by in Sydney. [Best Week Ever]

I call dibs on executive producer! If you have not already visited Photoshop heaven, please enjoy my nine hybrid monsters who deserve their own Syfy original movies. [Uproxx Features]

And the tenth hybrid monster is… SLAYBRAHAM LINCOLN! Also known as Commander-in-Chief, Vampire Hunter. [Gamma Squad]

‘Looks like Brillo.’ The trailer for Gone with the Pope looks absolutely freaking amazing. I cannot watch that movie soon enough. [FilmDrunk]

The best giant beaver since your mom. The Olympics’ closing ceremonies went out with style and a sense of humor. [With Leather]

YouTube’s Craziest Baby Preachers. Gosh, it’s always nice to gain the wisdom of children — especially when their condemning me to the eternal fires of hell. [Urlesque]

More TV news — plus SCUBA CAT!! — below:

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