Weeds (Showtime) — Season 7 premiere. Before the new story can get in underway in New York, Mary-Louise Parker begins the season in prison, while hurj sjbhfail hsfkhn  fif sa. Whoa, sorry. I drifted off into a daydream about being Mary-Louise Parker’s prison guard. (high-res of the banner image available here)

The Big C (Showtime) — Season 2 premiere. Laura Linney still has cancer.

Law & Order: LA (NBC) — Bob Saget guest stars as a “seedy porn producer,” according to Yahoo. As opposed to the legions of porn producers who are not seedy. And if you think that I don’t have more jokes about “seed” and “porn,” you are woefully mistaken.

MasterChef (Fox) — Only 15 chefs remain. Or it 30?

Teen Wolf (MTV) — A bloody body is discovered in a video store. Also discovered: a video store.

The Bachelorette (ABC) — Reviled contestant Bentley returns to the show to boost ratings and toy with Ashley’s emotions. Note to prospective parents: you should only name your child “Bentley” if it’s a girl and you want her to become a stripper.

Although I don’t really watch “Weeds,” it remains one of the most important shows on television because it gives Mary-Louise Parker a starring role in which she occasionally gets naked. My God, she’s fantastic. I can’t look at her without wanting to punch Billy Crudup in the face.

Anyway, here’s the new promotional artwork for Season 7 (click below for full version), which shows Parker’s Nancy Botwin as a magician’s assistant in chains, presumably because she was arrested at the end of last season and possibly primed for an escape in this coming one. The fact that I’ve always wanted a picture of her chained up in a trunk is probably just a coincidence.

[EW]

‘Tis the Season to Stick ‘Em Up. Burnsy gives a rundown on holiday burglaries. [Uproxx News]

“Thought provoking, but mostly, complaint provoking.” Vince reviews Tron. [FilmDrunk]

Not surprisingly… Tron Guy liked Tron a lot more than Vince. [Gamma Squad]

Don’t Hate the NFC West, Hate the Playoff System. I’m with Punte on this one. Probably because I’m a Seahawks fan. [With Leather]

Mary-Louise Parker: What I’ve Learned. “Being naked has a certain element of drama.” Goodbye, pants. [Esquire]

One-sentence reviews of all 30 for 30 documentaries. These are great. [Hellafied Gangsta Lean]

$12,000 well spent. A man spent four years sending checks to a woman he thought was an anchorwoman with breast cancer. Turns out he was getting scammed by a fat Hispanic woman. [Houston Press]

86 hours of “24.” A California man won $10,000 — plus a “24″ DVD box set — for watching all 86 episodes of “24″ consecutively. He then slept 15 straight hours. [SF Chronicle]

’80s Dog wants to party. [Dogs via Cool Dogs, The Clearly Dope, Today Show Tumblr, and c milleur]

It’s that time when we review the year through the prism of top ten lists, and Mr. Skin — possibly the most overhyped, annoying subscription site on the Internet — has released his top ten nude scenes for 2010 (NSFW). Fortunately for us, three of them come from television: Mary-Louise Parker’s belt-whipping railing from Mark-Paul Gosselaar on “Weeds” (#7), Rebecca Creskoff’s casual full-frontal scene in “Hung” (#6), and Paz de la Huerta’s everything all the time in “Boardwalk Empire” (#3, NSFW GIFs here).

As delightful as all of those scenes are, I think I might enjoy Mr. Skin’s copy even more:

#7 Mary-Louise gets a meat bong from behind in her most smoking sex session to date on Showtime’s potent pot-com. You’ll get high… in your pants.
#3 Latin lustbomb Paz couldn’t stop going off, getting off, or taking all her clothes off. She got so nude so often, it’s skin-possible to pick just one nude scene. So check out her perfect two.

With dry, cool wit like that, Mr. Skin could be an action hero.

Anyway, because subscription-based websites are for suckers, you can see high resolution NSFW screencaps of all the scenes over at Celebslam. Fun facts: two of the scenes feature belt-whipping, four involve water, at least three reveal bush, and two feature a pair of women. Now that’s what I call “sta-TIT-stics”! (With dry, cool wit like that, I could write for Mr. Skin.)

This is how Batman fan fiction happens.

Weeds (Showtime) — Season finale. I’m not in the habit of watching Showtime’s programming — it’s a blind spot, I admit — but I’ve heard that this season has been a marked improvement over the downward spiral of the preceding seasons. At the very least, Mary-Louise Parker and Mark-Paul Gosselaar gave us the best TV sex scene in recent memory. Followed by: season finale for The Big C.

Town Hall on Immigration (MSNBC) — Just thinking about watching people argue about immigration policy makes my eyelid twitch. Whoever chooses to watch this is a sick f*ck.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Bristol Palin has gone from “moronic but do-able MILF” to “JESUS CHRIST HOW DID SHE GET THIS FAR? SOMEONE STOP THIS MADNESS.” She gets it from her mother.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) — I used to occasionally watch this because Neil Patrick Harris is fantastic and everyone else in the cast (minus the main character) is pretty solid, too. But CBS’s recent dedication to only making the most rote and predictable sitcoms has ensured that I’m never watching the network unless there’s an NFL game on. And even then, it’s likely that Dan Dierdorf is making me want to throw something at the TV set.

Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Speaking of the NFL, the Redskins host the Eagles on the same day that Washington signed Philly castoff Donovan McNabb to a five-year extension with $40 million guaranteed. Two weeks after he was benched against the Lions. Money well spent, Dan Snyder. (KSK live blog here)

This saucy video is from Monday night’s “Weeds,” and needless to say, Mark-Paul Gosselaar pulling Mary-Louise Parker’s hair was just the beginning. What followed after this scene was probably the best sex scene between two hyphenated names we’ll ever see. Bohemea (NSFW) says…

I knew there was a filthy sex scene coming up between Nancy & Zach Morris. I did not know that MPG would totally violate MLP in ways that I’ve only imagined. He pulled her hair, spanked her with a belt, bent her over a bar & held her down while he had his beastly Preppie way with her. It was one of the most outstanding sex scenes I’ve ever witnessed.

The link above is accompanied by several NSFW screencaps of the scene, and you can watch the glorious unedited video at Fleshbot. But on the off chance that you’re forbidden from looking at nudity while at work, I’ve made SFW screencaps after the jump. I’m not sure what selfless miracle Mark-Paul Gosselaar pulled off to get the karmic retribution of this scene, but it’s somewhere on the level of blowing Jesus.

One more NSFW image here, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Weeds (Showtime) — Season premiere. I don’t actually watch “Weeds,” but I’ll kill you in your sleep if you say something bad about Mary-Louise Parker.

The Big C (Showtime) — Series premiere. Probably worth a watch, except I canceled Showtime. Hey, it’s a recession. Anyway, the Hollywood Reporter calls it “solidly entertaining.” Read the full review here.

Hard Core Pawn (truTV) — Series premiere. Finally, a real show about pawn shops I can ignore. I was getting tired of not watching “Pawn Stars.”

Dating in the Dark (ABC) — I missed this last week because I was traveling, but man oh man, do I love this show. I love watching people face up to their looks-based prejudices. Me, I only care about what’s on the inside. Of a woman’s bra.

Here’s the new trailer for Season 6 of “Weeds,” which debuts August 16th. In case you’re new to this website, I kind of have a thing for Mary-Louise Parker. As in, I’d happily push you off a cliff just to get her to look at me.

“Weeds” suffers a bit in that it tries to be a comedy, while “Breaking Bad” tackles a similar premise with HARDCORE ASS-KICKING GRAVITY. But I have to admit, the coming season — in which the Botwins go on the road under new identities after a murder — looks pretty good. And by “the coming season,” I mean Mary-Louise Parker. Seriously, if it got her attention, I’d kill you. In cold blood. On camera. In front of witnesses.

Mary-Louise Parker, still kind of attractive. I would pay rent to live in her ass. [bohemea]

McHale McHale McHale! A decent profile on Joel McHale. Dude’s 37 — what’s took him so long to become a star? [USA Today] Oh, also: he was on Conan last night. [Tonight Show]

More like CLASSelhoff! David Hasselhoff took his 17-year-old daughter to a sex shop for the launch party of an underwear line. John Phillips approves. [TMZ]

CSI: The Internet. An interview with “CSI” creator Anthony Zuiker about his odd and intriguing new project, Level 26. [Asylum]

A little something for the ladies. The 25 best chest hair designs. So many more options beyond the Dorito and the landing strip. [College Humor]

Two great reasons to watch ‘Dexter.’ Those reasons? T and A. It’s a complete list of all the hotties who’ve graced television’s best show about a sympathetic serial killer. [Fansided]

More reasons to like ‘Community’: I’d like to point out that Chevy Chase’s character called a bottle of whiskey “Hemingway’s lemonade” last night. Also, if you missed the closing credits, check out the nonsensical Spanish rap by Abed and Troy. [NBC]

Awesome local news report of the day: Have you heard about the Seattle-area bikini baristas? Five of them were arrested for prostitution charges, forcing the coffee stand to remove “pussiccino” from the menu. Maybe I can still get a cafe ho lay. [Q13 Fox]

The Emmys were last night, and unless you’ve got an iron will and the patience of Job, it’s unlikely you watched the entire telecast.

So here’s the entire night: “30 Rock” and “Mad Men” won for best comedy and drama, respectively; the pleasant surprises were Kristen Chenoweth for supporting actress in “Pushing Daisies” and Michael Emerson for supporting actor in “Lost”; and the most unpleasant surprises were Jon Cryer winning  best supporting actor in a comedy for “Two and a Half Men” and the criminal snub of “Generation Kill” for best miniseries, which went to “Little Dorritt.” There you go. That’s everything that’s worth talking about if you want to pretend that the Emmys have half the import of the Oscars.

More importantly, following a night where all of my TV crushes were assembled in one place, I’d like to petition the government to make Blake Lively’s breasts a national monument of some sort. I know I’ve said this before, but they are SPECTACULAR. And I don’t mean that in any kind of chauvinist or demeaning way: they’re just a natural beauty crafted by God, like Devil’s Tower or the Badlands or the falls at Yosemite. You should be able to pay $15 to elbow some German tourists out of the way and get a good look at them. I wanna go camping there.

(live blog here, more on the winners here, excellent column on the awards here)