This saucy video is from Monday night’s “Weeds,” and needless to say, Mark-Paul Gosselaar pulling Mary-Louise Parker’s hair was just the beginning. What followed after this scene was probably the best sex scene between two hyphenated names we’ll ever see. Bohemea (NSFW) says…

I knew there was a filthy sex scene coming up between Nancy & Zach Morris. I did not know that MPG would totally violate MLP in ways that I’ve only imagined. He pulled her hair, spanked her with a belt, bent her over a bar & held her down while he had his beastly Preppie way with her. It was one of the most outstanding sex scenes I’ve ever witnessed.

The link above is accompanied by several NSFW screencaps of the scene, and you can watch the glorious unedited video at Fleshbot. But on the off chance that you’re forbidden from looking at nudity while at work, I’ve made SFW screencaps after the jump. I’m not sure what selfless miracle Mark-Paul Gosselaar pulled off to get the karmic retribution of this scene, but it’s somewhere on the level of blowing Jesus.

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Weeds (Showtime) — Season premiere. I don’t actually watch “Weeds,” but I’ll kill you in your sleep if you say something bad about Mary-Louise Parker.

The Big C (Showtime) — Series premiere. Probably worth a watch, except I canceled Showtime. Hey, it’s a recession. Anyway, the Hollywood Reporter calls it “solidly entertaining.” Read the full review here.

Hard Core Pawn (truTV) — Series premiere. Finally, a real show about pawn shops I can ignore. I was getting tired of not watching “Pawn Stars.”

Dating in the Dark (ABC) — I missed this last week because I was traveling, but man oh man, do I love this show. I love watching people face up to their looks-based prejudices. Me, I only care about what’s on the inside. Of a woman’s bra.

Here’s the new trailer for Season 6 of “Weeds,” which debuts August 16th. In case you’re new to this website, I kind of have a thing for Mary-Louise Parker. As in, I’d happily push you off a cliff just to get her to look at me.

“Weeds” suffers a bit in that it tries to be a comedy, while “Breaking Bad” tackles a similar premise with HARDCORE ASS-KICKING GRAVITY. But I have to admit, the coming season — in which the Botwins go on the road under new identities after a murder — looks pretty good. And by “the coming season,” I mean Mary-Louise Parker. Seriously, if it got her attention, I’d kill you. In cold blood. On camera. In front of witnesses.

Mary-Louise Parker, still kind of attractive. I would pay rent to live in her ass. [bohemea]

McHale McHale McHale! A decent profile on Joel McHale. Dude’s 37 — what’s took him so long to become a star? [USA Today] Oh, also: he was on Conan last night. [Tonight Show]

More like CLASSelhoff! David Hasselhoff took his 17-year-old daughter to a sex shop for the launch party of an underwear line. John Phillips approves. [TMZ]

CSI: The Internet. An interview with “CSI” creator Anthony Zuiker about his odd and intriguing new project, Level 26. [Asylum]

A little something for the ladies. The 25 best chest hair designs. So many more options beyond the Dorito and the landing strip. [College Humor]

Two great reasons to watch ‘Dexter.’ Those reasons? T and A. It’s a complete list of all the hotties who’ve graced television’s best show about a sympathetic serial killer. [Fansided]

More reasons to like ‘Community’: I’d like to point out that Chevy Chase’s character called a bottle of whiskey “Hemingway’s lemonade” last night. Also, if you missed the closing credits, check out the nonsensical Spanish rap by Abed and Troy. [NBC]

Awesome local news report of the day: Have you heard about the Seattle-area bikini baristas? Five of them were arrested for prostitution charges, forcing the coffee stand to remove “pussiccino” from the menu. Maybe I can still get a cafe ho lay. [Q13 Fox]

Hey buddy, you mind? I’m tryin’ to watch something that matters.

The Emmys were last night, and unless you’ve got an iron will and the patience of Job, it’s unlikely you watched the entire telecast.

So here’s the entire night: “30 Rock” and “Mad Men” won for best comedy and drama, respectively; the pleasant surprises were Kristen Chenoweth for supporting actress in “Pushing Daisies” and Michael Emerson for supporting actor in “Lost”; and the most unpleasant surprises were Jon Cryer winning  best supporting actor in a comedy for “Two and a Half Men” and the criminal snub of “Generation Kill” for best miniseries, which went to “Little Dorritt.” There you go. That’s everything that’s worth talking about if you want to pretend that the Emmys have half the import of the Oscars.

More importantly, following a night where all of my TV crushes were assembled in one place, I’d like to petition the government to make Blake Lively’s breasts a national monument of some sort. I know I’ve said this before, but they are SPECTACULAR. And I don’t mean that in any kind of chauvinist or demeaning way: they’re just a natural beauty crafted by God, like Devil’s Tower or the Badlands or the falls at Yosemite. You should be able to pay $15 to elbow some German tourists out of the way and get a good look at them. I wanna go camping there.

(live blog here, more on the winners here, excellent column on the awards here)