The Masturbating Bear has a long and storied late-night history. Perhaps the best symbol of the unique zaniness of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” the Masturbating Bear got shelved for being too edgy for an 11:30 p.m. audience when Conan moved to L.A. to take over “The Tonight Show.” The bear would later make subtle cameos during Conan’s brief tenure in Leno’s spot, but when Conan negotiated his bitter departure from the network, NBC claimed intellectual property rights to the bear, leading Conan to fill the void with characters like Self-Pleasuring Panda.

Last fall, in an interview with Rolling Stone, O’Brien claimed that he’d find a way to bring the bear on his show. “What I really wanna do,” he said at the time, “is be sued over the bear and then appear in court with the Masturbating Bear. ‘Your Honor, this bear can’t help himself!’”

Sure enough, last night the Masturbating Bear returned for Conan’s second of four shows filmed in New York City (video below). Conan presented him as the reformed NON-Masturbating Bear: a hard-working insurance salesman who commutes to Manhattan from the suburbs where he lives with his wife and children. But you can probably figure out how it ends: you can’t keep the Masturbating Bear from masturbating. I mean, it’s right there in his name.

So now I guess we wait to see if NBC is willing to sue over ursine onanism. I’d follow that sh*t like the O.J. trial.

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Big news, everybody. The Masturbating Bear made his first appearance since Conan O’Brien left “Late Night” and moved to L.A.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see him masturbate — although he could have been whackin’ it in the last row and we just didn’t see it.  Basically, this was a way for Conan to give a nod to his old “Late Night” fans without creeping out the little piece of middle America that hasn’t switched over to Letterman.  Speaking on behalf of cool people, I’d like to say, “Thanks, CoCo.”  **masturbates in show of unity**

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Sadly, Conan O’Brien announced on-air in February that the popular Masturbating Bear character would be retired to accommodate the different audience at 11:30 p.m.  However, the former “Late Night” host reversed course yesterday, indicating that the ursine onanist would indeed return when Conan takes over “The Tonight Show” next week:

“I think sometimes, especially in 2009, people can overstate the idea that there’s a comedy barrier that separates 11:30 and 12:30 and that you’ll ignite antimatter if you bring 12:30 comedy into the 11:30 hour,” O’Brien told reporters Tuesday. “But DVRs have changed everything. The Internet has changed everything.” [...]

In fact, many of the segments featured on “Late Night” during O’Brien’s tenure will be joining the host for the cross-country move to L.A. – including the Masturbating Bear, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Year 2000, along with plenty of produced comedy sketches. [NY Daily News]

Yay!  This is terrific news!  I want to high-five each and every person reading this through your Internet connection right now.  But I’d have to be the Lawnmower Man to do that.  You ever see The Lawnmower Man?  Frighteningly realistic.  Could have used a masturbating bear, though.

I knew this day was coming, but it’s still depressing as hell to realize the truth: Conan O’Brien has retired the popular “masturbating bear” character.  In last week’s mock “State of the Show” speech (video below), O’Brien deemed the masturbating bear as inappropriate for the 11:30 time slot he’ll mercifully assume from Jay Leno in two weeks, and prepared viewers for a new bear character that instead “searches through a fanny pack for lost keys.”

I guess this is the price we pay.  The cost of doing business.  Friends, I don’t like a watered-down, less zany Conan any more than the next Calvin Klein underwear model, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay in order to not have Leno doing “The Tonight Show.”  Another price I’m willing to pay: $10 for three pairs of underwear.  That’s a whole week’s worth!

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