The 84th Academy Awards will air on ABC on February 26th (insert obligatory circle-jerk joke here) and will be hosted by Billy Crystal because, why not? He has experience; he probably won’t ruffle any feathers; and who cares? The Academy Awards are the second most watched telecast of the year, behind the Super Bowl, no matter who the host is. As last minute replacements go, you could do worse. It would be difficult, but I’m sure it’s possible.

The first “trailer” for the Academy Awards is up on YouTube now, and it features the non-existent talents of Josh Duhamel (the poor man’s Johnny Knoxville), Megan Fox (who is way too young to have had so much plastic surgery), Vinnie Jones, and Robin Williams. The trailer (after the jump) is perfect for lulling you into the kind of apathetic slumber that will prepare you for the ceremony itself.

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Sons of Anarchy (FX) — FINALLY. I have waited almost a full week to have an excuse to use this picture. Find me another TV series where characters threaten to shoot babies, and I promise you: I will watch that show.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Season finale. Will Bristol Palin complete her unlikely rise to chunky stardom by winning one of TV’s most popular reality competitions? Yeah, probably.

Raising Hope (Fox) — It’s a Thanksgiving episode. Personally, I find that Thanksgiving and Christmas episodes are never half as enjoyable as Halloween episodes. Too schmaltzy.

Parking Wars (A&E) — Want to see some of the ugliest aspects of human society? Watch people react to getting parking tickets on this show.

Glee (Fox) — Okay, I approve of the casting for this week’s episode: Carol Burnett guest stars as Sue Sylvester’s mother, who abandoned Sue at a young age to hunt Nazis. I hope she says “Nat-zee” like Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds.

Biography (BIO) — Megan Fox is profiled. Woo-hoo! Break out the MEGAN FOX tag! I hope Biography covers her seminal appearance in an underwear commercial and her star turn as a girl who wears a bikini in “Two and a Half Men.”

After years of aborted attempts to bring Wonder Woman to the big screen, Warner Bros. is looking to bring the sexy DC Comics heroine to television. And to ensure that it goes well, they’re hired a TV writer/producer who excels at creating memorable-yet-disposable legal dramas.

Warner Bros. Television is developing a modern-day reboot of the classic DC comic book heroine and has lassoed an unlikely talent to potentially write and produce the superhero project: David E. Kelley, the showrunner behind legal dramas such as “Ally McBeal,” “Boston Legal” and “The Practice.”

The news comes after nearly a decade of attempts by Warner Bros. and producer Joel Silver to launch a big-screen version. Actresses ranging from Angelina Jolie to Beyonce Knowles to Megan Fox have thrown their hat in the ring for the starring role at one time or another. [THR]

And by “thrown their hat in the ring,” they mean “fans Photoshopped her into Wonder Woman’s costume for masturbation purposes.”

Anyway, the big question is who will succeed Lynda Carter in the titular role now that flat asses in high-waisted granny panties aren’t considered sexy. For my money, nothing can touch Rachel Bilson in the WW costume when she was on “The O.C.” (see video below), but I’d also be okay with some other sexy brunette with big tits. I’m even open-minded enough to accept a sexy blonde with big tits. It’s the 21st century, people — it’s time to let go of our prejudices.

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In case you missed it — or if you just don’t watch the show — Sunday night’s “Mad Men” was a powerful episode that featured terrific acting performances from Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss, who play ad executive Don Draper and plucky copy writer Peggy Olson, respectively. The episode reached its emotional climax when Draper, the handsome ladykiller, wakes up drunk and wearing a vomit-stained shirt in his office and places a call to confirm the news that he avoided with a bender: that the only person who truly knew him had died. And then he cried.

And that’s where the Internet came in. Don Draper is now reacting to everything from watching Up to having to celebrate Secretaries Day (see BuzzFeed more inspiration). I’ve got a couple more examples here, plus I’m including a cutout .JPG file for anyone who wants to join in on the fun. It’s funny because he’s emotionally devastated!

The Late Show (CBS, Friday) — Johnny Depp and Megan Fox are the guests. Yup, they’re really god-looking. And yet CBS will probably still cut away from them to show Paul Shaffer and the cancerous bald penis that passes as his head guffawing at Dave’s jokes. I want to beat that guy to death with his own keyboard.

Whale Wars (Discovery, Friday) — Remember when the Japanese whalers messed up the hippies’ precious speedboat? That’s this episode.

The Bridge (CBS, Saturday) — This is a Canadian show that debuted last week. It may shock you to learn that it’s a police procedural. On CBS of all places! Crazy, right?

Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) — One of my favorite things about Warming Glow readers is that no one tries to cajole me into watching this show. It’s like, thanks, but I’ll wait until the American remake improves upon the original. Also, British food sucks, England would speak German if not for the U.S. of A., and the England soccer team isn’t even good any more. Oh, and the queen’s a slut. I think that about covers it.

Expedition Great White (NatGeo, Saturday) — I’m not sure why we need three hours of this or what Paul Walker’s doing there (probably sitting around with his mouth open), but hey: sharks!

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) — I still haven’t watched last Sunday’s episode. Did I miss any titties? Because I’m not gonna bother watching if there weren’t any titties.

The Gates (ABC) — Finally! A vampire show on Sundays!

Holly’s World (E!, Sunday) — Whoa, Holly Madison has her own reality show? I had no idea. I’m sure it’s because she’s so “charismatic” *blowjob motion*