The Late Show (CBS, Friday) — Johnny Depp and Megan Fox are the guests. Yup, they’re really god-looking. And yet CBS will probably still cut away from them to show Paul Shaffer and the cancerous bald penis that passes as his head guffawing at Dave’s jokes. I want to beat that guy to death with his own keyboard.

Whale Wars (Discovery, Friday) — Remember when the Japanese whalers messed up the hippies’ precious speedboat? That’s this episode.

The Bridge (CBS, Saturday) — This is a Canadian show that debuted last week. It may shock you to learn that it’s a police procedural. On CBS of all places! Crazy, right?

Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) — One of my favorite things about Warming Glow readers is that no one tries to cajole me into watching this show. It’s like, thanks, but I’ll wait until the American remake improves upon the original. Also, British food sucks, England would speak German if not for the U.S. of A., and the England soccer team isn’t even good any more. Oh, and the queen’s a slut. I think that about covers it.

Expedition Great White (NatGeo, Saturday) — I’m not sure why we need three hours of this or what Paul Walker’s doing there (probably sitting around with his mouth open), but hey: sharks!

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) — I still haven’t watched last Sunday’s episode. Did I miss any titties? Because I’m not gonna bother watching if there weren’t any titties.

The Gates (ABC) — Finally! A vampire show on Sundays!

Holly’s World (E!, Sunday) — Whoa, Holly Madison has her own reality show? I had no idea. I’m sure it’s because she’s so “charismatic” *blowjob motion*

You might have heard that Megan Fox signed a deal to be the face (yes… “face”) of Armani underwear a month or so ago. And now there’s a new commercial with MEGAN FOX IN JUST HER BRA AND PANTIES, which is a pretty excellent way to sell a product, especially if that product is women’s underwear. And because she doesn’t speak in this commercial, I like this ad even better than MEGAN FOX NUDE IN A BATHTUB. It’s still not the MEGAN FOX LESBIAN SEX SCENE we’ve been hoping for, and it’s certainly no MEGAN FOX FULLY NUDE HARDCORE THREE-WAY, but it’s a nice visual aid for those of you who like to imagine MEGAN FOX IN A PLUSH RABBIT SUIT SLAUGHTERING CATTLE.

(first two images are hi-res; for full-size, click thumbnail, then right-click and select “view image”)

While there were some disappointing trends last night, not every ad that aired during the Super Bowl was about not wearing pants or how much women totally harsh your buzz. Doritos and Bud Light, for example, appealed to the chip-eating, piss-swilling demographic with stupid, unrealistic gags.

Thankfully, a couple companies decided to hire ad agencies that employ people under the age of 35 who use the Internet. Here are the five ads that stuck out for being at least somewhat clever and original — and, most importantly, for being memorable.

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The Buried Life (MTV) — The mission is “ask out the girl of your dreams.” Megan Fox makes an appearance. And no, she doesn’t take her clothes off, so you won’t see MEGAN FOX NAKED or a MEGAN FOX SEX SCENE. *cashes check*

Chuck (NBC) — Kristin Kreuk continues her four-episode stint as Hannah, the new Buy More employee. Not a bad consolation prize if you happen to blow it with the sexy blonde spy in your life.

Kell on Earth (Bravo) — Series premiere. I don’t need to know anything about this show to hate it.

RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo) — Season premiere. I’m not sure if I even have Logo in my cable package. (That marks the first time the Logo network and “package” have been used in the same sentence without any innuendo.)

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel) — Tony’s in Prague this week. I would murder any one of you to live his life. And I’d expect the same from you.

For the Love of Ray J (VH1) — Season finale. With any luck, there won’t be any more seasons. Because I want it to get canceled. I wanted to make that clear in case someone interpreted that as an implicit desire for Ray J to get mauled to death by a syphilitic bear.

The Bachelor (ABC) — It’s a two-hour episode tonight. Why? Because writing real television shows costs money, dammit.

CSI: Miami (CBS) — Anthony Michael Hall guest stars as a man on death row, and Horatio’s team will examine the forensic evidence to see if Hall really murdered his wife and daughter. “This is a most unusual case. We may have to use some… *sunglasses* … Weird Science.” YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

I abhor making lists, especially ones that arbitrarily rank one thing as better than another. So the criteria I used for this list were: which women on TV did Warming Glow obsess the most over in 2009? Naturally I ended up favoring actresses who were not only beautiful, but also talented, intelligent, and in shows that are well made. Or super-slutty. Whatever.

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