There’s an interesting article in Sunday’s New York Times about how almost every old television show that gets rebooted or remade fails miserably, yet Hollywood keeps on producing remakes. Some of the examples: “The Fugitive,” “Bionic Woman,” “Beverly Hills 90210,” “Melrose Place,” “Knight Rider,” “Dragnet” (starring Ed O’Neill as Joe Friday), and “The Twilight Zone” (with Forrest Whitaker in Rod Serling’s place).

In the history of network television, no remake of a previous hit series has ever become a hit itself on network television. [The successful remake of "Battlestar Galactica" lived on cable -Ed.]

And yet next year network TV will give us remakes of “Charlie’s Angels” (ABC), “The Rockford Files” (NBC), and “Hawaii Five-O” (CBS). Sigh.

The article also has four paragraphs quoting a college professor who analyzes the history of failure using terms like “aesthetic dissonance,” but it fails to state the extent to which television executives are idiotic inbred jackasses who spend their careers failing up the corporate totem pole. It’s kind of fun to see the shortcomings of journalism and network TV dovetail like that.

What with all the hullabaloo surrounding the return of Heather Locklear as Amanda Woodward on last night’s “Melrose Place,” the true highlight of the show — this charming lesbian makeout scene — got overlooked. Note to the CW: that’s great that you got a sexy old broad to wear a miniskirt, but you might want to advertise chicks making out, too. It may be a desperate ratings grab, but it’s one that usually piques my interest. I’m a simple man that way.

RELATED VIDEO: Below, in much much sexier lesbian action, is Carmen Electra’s leaked lesbian video. (Or should I say “leaked” with sarcastiquotes?) It’s three minutes of her wearing tight underwear, a bra, knee-high socks, and a choker and frolicking around in a hotel room with a sexy brunette with whom she makes out. They also manage to sexily waste some champagne. In all honesty, even though it’s not explicit or particularly shocking, it is absolutely sexy as hell. The only way it could turn me on any more is if I made an appearance with a side of bacon and a deep frier. What? Use your imagination.

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V (ABC) — I said I was going to watch this last week, then I forgot again. I felt kinda bad about not giving this show a chance until Michael from 5 Second Films sent in the screen cap above. Who’s responsible for parking the handicapped guy on some steps without wheelchair access?

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Alicia Keys performs on the results show. Freakishly youthful retard Donny Osmond finished last in the judges voting last night, but the Mormons will probably vote as a bloc to keep him from being eliminated from the final four.

The Biggest Loser (NBC) –Tim Gunn shows up to help out with makeovers. We’re gonna need some more vertical stripes over here.

WWII in HD (History) — Night #3. How’s everyone liking this so far? I dig it, but it’s hard for me to make it through two hours of TV when I’m sick. I’ve taken six naps in the last two days, I can’t lie down on the couch without falling asleep within 15 minutes.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) — Dude. Last week’s episode. Show of hands: who cried?

Melrose Place (CW) — This is the episode where Heather Locklear returns as Amanda Woodward. Honestly, industry people have been talking about it for so damn long that I figured it had already happened, but apparently not. Promo below.

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Locklear and Tom Cruise, p.b. (pre-Baio)

The new “Melrose Place” on the CW is so bad that even the teenage retards who watch the CW didn’t watch it, but the show still has hope: it locked down Heather Locklear to reprise her role from the original “Melrose.” Um, yay?

Locklear, 47, will reprise her role as scheming ad vixen Amanda Woodward on the new CW version of the show. She will make her debut appearance Nov. 17.

“We’re ecstatic to have the chance to bring Amanda Woodward back to Melrose Place,” executive producers Todd Slavkin & Darren Swimmer said in a statement. “Heather’s involvement in the show is something we’ve been working on for some time as we couldn’t imagine creating and producing this show without the iconic character’s inclusion.”

Except, uh, you DID create and produce the show without her inclusion. Remember how it debuted last week without her? That was you creating and producing the show without her.

[A] source said the role is a “a great comeback” for the actress, who faced a DUI charged that was later dismissed and sought treatment for anxiety last year. Said the source: “She is in great spirits and good shape. This is a perfect time to show everyone how well she is doing.

You’re doing it all backwards, Heather. You’re supposed to deal with anxiety and drive drunk AFTER you’ve gone through the shame of being on the new “Melrose.”

Here we have posters and a trailer (after the jump) for “Melrose Place 2: I Love the ’90s Strikes Back.”  Do you get it?  “Ménage à Tues”?  There are three people in the picture, and the show is on Tuesday, which is the third day of the week.  I think that’s the point.

“We have an absolute drop-dead gorgeous cast, we have a fun show where everybody is dating everybody else, and we wanted a scandalous kind of soap opera,” said Rick Haskins, head of marketing for the CW. “We tried to capture a heightened reality of the show. We think it captures ‘Melrose’ the way ‘OMFG’ did ‘Gossip Girl.’”

Each image also makes strong use of the show’s iconic apartment complex and swimming pool, trying to turn the show’s setting into a character. [THR]

Oh, the swimming pool is a character all right.  One with better acting skills than Ashlee Simpson.  SONIC BOOM!  I dub thee “roasted.”

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