The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen was last night, and if you didn’t watch it, you must not share my love of jokes about hookers and spousal abuse. Jeffrey Ross, Anthony Jeselnik, and Amy Schumer turned in the best performances, while the lamest sets belonged to Jon Lovitz and Steve-O.

Here are most of my favorite jokes from the roast. It’s not a complete list because I was drinking and I got tired of pausing the TV to write stuff down. And it’s almost certainly not 50 jokes; that’s just a number that was nice and round and catchy for SEO purposes. AND NOW YOU KNOW THE UGLY TRUTH ABOUT BLOGGING.

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HBO has placed a pilot order for “Da Brick,” loosely based on Mike Tyson’s early life. It will be produced by “Entourage” creator Doug Ellin, and Spike Lee will direct the pilot. More from Deadline:

Set in current-day Newark, NJ, nicknamed “brick city,” Da Brick is described as a contemporary exploration of what it means to be a young, black man in supposedly post-racial America and is loosely inspired by aspects of Tyson’s youth. Search is under way for an young black actor to play the lead.

*picks up telephone* “Hello, Michael K. Williams? Learn how to box IMMEDIATELY.”

While I can’t stand Ellin’s smug douchiness regarding “Entourage’ (Exhibit A, Exhibit B), I am intrigued by HBO — the last real home for boxing on television — making a dramatic series about a young black boxer (I couldn’t get into “Lights Out” because I’m tired of stories about white boxing champions), and Tyson’s life is certainly rich with good stories. “Da Brick” just needs to keep its focus on Tyson’s early life. Nothing after 1990 is really believable.

(UPDATE: A couple people have pointed out that Michael K. Williams is 45. Whatever, a boy can dream.)

Saturday Night Live (NBC) — Miley Cyrus hosts, while the Strokes have traveled forward in time from 2001 to be the musical guests. Of course, Vanessa Bayer has gotten laughs with her Miley Cyrus impression this year, so of course that’ll be one of the sketches. I just hope that Miley plays some other starlet for the sketch — I don’t need to see Miley meeting fake Miley. (TV Squad had a solid interview with Bayer about meeting Cyrus, by the way.)

The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, Sunday) — Season premiere, which will feature Gary Busey looking his finest. I’ve never watched a minute of any season of “Celebrity Apprentice,” but the unhinged insanity of Busey may just be enough to get me to tune. Gary Busey is less a human being than he is a well-trained grizzly bear: he’s generally entertaining, he poops wherever he wants to, and he’s a constant threat to snap and maul bystanders.

Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, Sunday) — Season premiere. The housewives that started it all. Thanks a lot, ladies.

Taking on Tyson (Animal Planet, Sunday) — Series premiere. Wow, a reality series about Mike Tyson getting into pigeon racing. I wrote about this a year ago, but I thought it wouldn’t come to fruition after I heard about some of the legal hurdles the show faced.

The NAACP Image Awards (Fox, Friday) — Hosted by Holly Robinson Peete and Wayne Brady. Tyler Perry is nominated for 19 awards, your argument is invalid.

Army Wives (Lifetime, Sunday) — Season 5 premiere. God bless ‘em, but real-life Army wives are super fat. Like, orca fat. Imagine the Duggars, but from West Virginia.

Yesterday, Animal Planet announced its intention to make a show with Mike Tyson called “Taking on Tyson,” about the former heavyweight champion’s love for — seriously — pigeon racing. From the fascinating press release:

The novice pigeon racer Tyson goes toe-to-toe against several individuals in hopes of being crowned a champ all over again. Tyson has a deep passion for the birds and raised pigeons all his life. In fact his first-ever fight as a child was in defense of his birds. But this show will follow his first foray into racing them competitively…

“I’m honored to be a part of this monumental show on Animal Planet,” said Tyson. “I feel a great pride acting as an official representative for all the pigeon fancier’s out there.”

Wait a second, did I just read the phrase “pigeon fancier”? Of course! How could I forget the magazine cover that helped launch his career:

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Here’s video of Mike Tyson’s recent appearance on Italy’s “Dancing with the Stars” (watch below). I suppose there’s some humor in his lack of grace with partner Elena Coniglio, but to me it’s just depressing. Now, I understand that “DWTS” no longer carries the inherent D-list shame it used to, and I respect that Tyson’s on a long road recovering from his professional fall from grace, a long addiction to drugs, financial ruin, and the death of his daughter. But that still doesn’t make the former heavyweight champ’s awkward waddling to music any easier to watch. It’s like, Dude! Wasn’t footwork part of your JOB at one point in your life? This is the equivalent of me becoming illiterate in twenty years. Which, given my drinking, isn’t all that unthinkable.

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