Wipe away the nostalgia, and you’ll see that the early 1980s were an awful time. The scourge of crack cocaine was turning America’s inner cities into war zones, the AIDS epidemic was in full swing, and the threat of nuclear annihilation loomed large. But of all the horrifying things to come out of that miserable decade, the Disney Channel is by far the most troubling.

In theory, a channel devoted to the legacy of Walt Disney seems harmless enough. But in practice, aside from the occasional airing of “Duck Presents” (a.k.a. “Quake Attack”), the Disney Channel is home to some of the most nauseating programs in television history, and has given birth to some of the most vile celebrities on the planet. Come with me as we explore Walt Disney’s greatest shame, the Disney Channel.

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The last time Jimmy Fallon brought out his impeccable Neil Young impression, he was joined on stage by Bruce Springsteen for a somber version of “Whip My Hair.” At the time, I didn’t think he could top a duet with the Boss, but last night’s performance proved me wrong: David Crosby and Graham Nash joined Fallon’s Young for a cover of Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the U.S.A.” (video embedded below)

On one hand, I don’t want to make too big of a deal out of this, because this is just a late-night entertainer pretending to be someone else singing a pop song performed by a 17-year-old moron. On the other hand, it’s flat-out of brilliant. When Miley sings “Party in the U.S.A.,” the verses are just filler until the big hook in the chorus, but when Fallon sings the first verse, he brings all the depressing gravity of a Neil Young song to it. It’s like, “Wow! It really is hard to arrive at LAX with just a dream and your cardigan.”

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Miley Cyrus hosted “Saturday Night Live” this weekend, and here you can see her as Justin Bieber talking to Vanessa Bayer as Miley Cyrus (wait, what? video below). Overall, I’d say Miley did a pretty good job for someone who should be in high school, which is the same palliative I tell my girlfriend. But the show itself was its usual uneven production: a few good concepts that went on too long, a couple solid laughs, and of course the handful of stillborn sketches that sap your will to live and blur any memories of laughter you might have.

Before we get to the videos, a special snore goes out to musical guest the Strokes, who are probably the least entertaining band this side of Interpol to watch live. What a bunch of absolute dullards. I can honestly say I would have rather watched Miley Cyrus as the musical guest. At least she’s not too disaffected to try. Also, I happen to like “Party in the USA.”

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Saturday Night Live (NBC) — Miley Cyrus hosts, while the Strokes have traveled forward in time from 2001 to be the musical guests. Of course, Vanessa Bayer has gotten laughs with her Miley Cyrus impression this year, so of course that’ll be one of the sketches. I just hope that Miley plays some other starlet for the sketch — I don’t need to see Miley meeting fake Miley. (TV Squad had a solid interview with Bayer about meeting Cyrus, by the way.)

The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, Sunday) — Season premiere, which will feature Gary Busey looking his finest. I’ve never watched a minute of any season of “Celebrity Apprentice,” but the unhinged insanity of Busey may just be enough to get me to tune. Gary Busey is less a human being than he is a well-trained grizzly bear: he’s generally entertaining, he poops wherever he wants to, and he’s a constant threat to snap and maul bystanders.

Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, Sunday) — Season premiere. The housewives that started it all. Thanks a lot, ladies.

Taking on Tyson (Animal Planet, Sunday) — Series premiere. Wow, a reality series about Mike Tyson getting into pigeon racing. I wrote about this a year ago, but I thought it wouldn’t come to fruition after I heard about some of the legal hurdles the show faced.

The NAACP Image Awards (Fox, Friday) — Hosted by Holly Robinson Peete and Wayne Brady. Tyler Perry is nominated for 19 awards, your argument is invalid.

Army Wives (Lifetime, Sunday) — Season 5 premiere. God bless ‘em, but real-life Army wives are super fat. Like, orca fat. Imagine the Duggars, but from West Virginia.

I have, perhaps, occasionally been too hard on “Lost” fanatics for being oversensitive little bitches. And while they certainly deserve to be prodded for that, I can’t help but also credit them for applying their fandom to the creative efforts here — namely, this video of lovable fatass Hurley (Jorge Garcia) set to Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the U.S.A.” It’s so well done that I think people who’ve never seen the show will still enjoy it.

And also: West SAYID! Sometimes the easiest jokes are the best ones. Or, in my case, the only ones.

[video: NY Mag/Popwatch; img: @Darrin_Roberts]