Modern Family (ABC) — Tonight’s an “historical” night for television, as Lily becomes the youngest person ever on a network to utter the F-word. Also, David Cross returns to debate Claire.

Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea (NBC) — Seriously, these shows are so terrible that they’re not even worth mentioning. Avoid them. If your television has only one channel, and it’s NBC, first of all: You poor soul. Second: Burn it.

American Idol (Fox) — The 47th season of television’s most popular show kicks off tonight with two hours of humiliating auditions. I don’t think this show will ever end; I think it will just become another annual event, like football and baseball season, only without any of the joy.

Criminal Minds (CBS) — I’ve never seen an episode, and didn’t even realize it was still on the air. However, I am grateful to this show for booting Mandy Patinkin, allowing him to eventually show up on “Homeland.”

Happy Endings (ABC) — “Party Down” Alert: Ryan Hanson (also of “Veronica Mars” fame) guest stars at Penny’s latest boyfriend, while Alex and Max stage an “in-T-vention” to put the kibosh on Dave’s obsession with v-necked T-shirts.

Top Chef (Bravo) — It’s been a hugely disappointing season of “Top Chef,” but they might turn it around tonight when Charlize Theron arrives. If Charlize Theron and Padma Lakshmi engage in a nude food fight, the Internet will explode.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Michael Fasschlong is on Letterman; Jennifer Garner is on Leno; Will Arnett is on Kimmel; Ferguson has David Duchovny; and Jimmy has Bill Cosby.

Not well, Joey. Not well.

If there’s one thing we learned about the Hollywood Foreign Press during last night’s Golden Globes, it’s that they HATE comedy. How else to explain acting trophies going to Matt LeBlanc for having a big dick in “Episodes” and Laura Dern for pretending “Enlightened” isn’t a drama, rather than Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey/Amy Poehler? (Not to mention all those who weren’t even nominated, like Charlie Day, etc. etc. etc.) An overrated season of “Modern Family” won for Best Comedy, too, furthering the show’s status as the New “Frasier.”

Speaking of: Kelsey Grammer took home the award for Best Actor in a Drama for his role in “Boss,” providing thousands of “Frasier” fansites their headline for the day, while the much-deserved Claire Danes spied on, then snagged a Best Actress trophy for “Homeland,” which also won Best Drama.

It’s total BS that “Breaking Bad” wasn’t nominated (and that Bryan Cranston didn’t win), but “Homeland” was fantastic, Showtime’s first HBO-level series. The only other series I would have liked to have won, “Game of Thrones,” got an award elsewhere: PETER DINKLAGE slapped Eric Stonestreet and Guy Pearce in the face, and carried off with a Best Supporting Actor Globe. And Jessica Lange, for her effectively over-the-top work in “American Horror Story,” received the Best Supporting Actress trophy over Sofia Vergara, giving the world thousands of “she already has the REAL Golden Globes” jokes. (Her Pepsi ad ran every three seconds, right?)

Full list of TV winners and nominees and videos of Ricky Gervais’ better-than-2011′s opening monologue and Morgan Freeman’s bubble bath coffin clip after the jump.

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Here’s something I learned today: Got Milk? ads still exist. I thought they stopped being made, oh, about a decade ago, but nope, they’re still running strong. Or still running mediocre, but lazy, in the case of this one for “Modern Family.” Thanks for reminding me, List on Dated Celebrity Endorsements.

The — let’s face it — creepy ads have been running consistently for nearly 20 years now, with such luminaries as former-Atlanta Falcons quarterback Chris Chandler, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and the Kentucky Wildcats mascot all sporting a Milk Mustache. Dozens of TV stars have also donned the suggestive creamy white soup-strainers over the past two decades. (I, for one, drink malk.) Here are some of the “best.”

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Suburgatory/The Middle/Modern Family/Happy Endings (ABC) — ABC is the only network running new airings of their regular shows, and from 8 to 10 EST, they’re the best thing going. Also, has anyone else picked up on the wildly great sexual chemistry between Jeremy Sisto and Jane Levy on “Suburgatory”? Daniel Fienberg pointed it out on the Hitfix podcast last month and it’s all I can ever think of now. There’s probably a shippers tumblr set up for them already.

The Orange Bowl (ESPN) — West Virginia vs. Clemson, if you’re into that sort of thing, and by “that sort of thing,” I mean: Halftime marching bands.

Mobbed (Fox) — A show about flash mobs hosted by Howie Mandel? What did the world do to deserve this? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TEBOW.

Top Chef: Texas (Bravo) — So, I was wondering why everything during this cycle was so insistently Texan, and then I found out that in order to film in Texas, the producers had to sign a contract with the state and agree to all sorts of requirements that the state be heavily featured and that “Texas” be included in this season’s title.

I Get that a Lot (CBS) — I have never heard of this show, but apparently it’s the fourth airing of it. It features celebrities doing “regular” jobs, and tonight’s episode includes Pamela Anderson, Jerry Springer, Dr. Drew, and Ty Pennington, three of whom could actually use a “regular” job.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS — Brian Williams is on Letterman, Kelsey Grammer is on Kimmel, Tracey Morgan is on Leno, and Ed Burns is on Fallon.

Entertainment Weekly has ratings for the most and least watched TV shows of the fall, and good news for “Community” fans: It’s not the lowest rated. In fact, if you take out CW shows because they obviously don’t count, and if you discount airings of shows out of their regular time slots, then “Community” is actually only the sixth least watched show of the fall behind “Bob’s Burgers,” “Chuck,” “Rock City,” “Fringe,” and “Free Agents.” Granted, one of those shows has been cancelled, and two others are on their way out, but still. It’s not the worst! In fact, according to TVBytheNumbers, “Community” actually has a good chance at being renewed for a fourth season, even if it does rank below “COPS.”

As for the highest rated shows: The usual array of TV programs that most of you probably don’t watch, save for “Modern Family” and football: CBS procedurals, CBS comedies, and reality competitions. As the adage goes: “Old people love bad TV.” The highest rated new shows of the fall were “Two Broke Girls,” “Unforgettable,” “Persons of Interest,” all on CBS, and “Once Upon a Time” on ABC. Not a lot of fall hits on the networks.

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