Cheetah, a chimpanzee who appeared in numerous Tarzan films in the 1930s, passed away from kidney failure this weekend at the age of 80. Because there’s nothing else to talk about today, Andy Serkis-wannabe Cheetah has been receiving the kind of press usually reserved for, y’know, humans. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Cheetah dying, other than monkeys can live to be 80 years old, it’s that the first “celebrity” monkey I think of when I think of “celebrity” monkeys is Marcel, from “Friends.”

And he was a total dick, at least according to the actual, real life human cast members. Actually, she was a total vagina, because Marcel was played by Monkey and Katy, two female Capuchin monkeys.

Reportedly the “Friends” cast didn’t enjoy working with this monkey, especially David Schwimmer, because he’d mess up scenes. (Source)

I mean, just look at the acting on his face above.

“The monkey also ate live worms. And then he’d vomit constantly.” (Source)

Even by “Friends” extremely low standards, that barfing, poop-throwing (probably) monkey was really stupid. And now let us not speak of monkey actors ever again; rather, let’s turn our attention to monkey waiters. “Tip Your Capuchin”: now there’s a show I’d watch.

So, this happened last night. Bristol Palin and her partner Mark Ballas danced the jive to “Hey Hey We’re the Monkees” while wearing gorilla suits on “Dancing with the Stars.” And before you point out that gorillas are apes, not monkeys: don’t bother. That’s adding a layer of intellect and analysis that this doesn’t at all deserve.

But I will give “Dancing with the Stars” a tiny amount of credit: this is so unrepentantly hokey and stupid that it’s almost clever. I mean, making the daughter of a controversial political figure dance around in a gorilla suit is almost humiliating and degrading enough to be brilliant. The missing element it needs to elevate it to artistic perfection is Nicolas Cage in a bear suit running onto the stage and punching Bristol in the face.

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Whenever I have trouble finding interesting television news, the first place I turn to is Japan Probe, because Japanese television is a bottomless well of insanity. Take, for example, the capture of a wild monkey that had attacked 118 people in Shizuoka Prefecture over the last three months.

The effort to capture the monkey became international news. After repeated failures to bring in the monkey, a local government put a 200,000 yen bounty on the monkey.

It all came to an end when the monkey decided to raid a house. The owner of the house, who had been a victim of a monkey raid a little less than a month ago, was prepared for just such an occurrence. He chased the monkey into a closet and trapped the animal by closing the closet door.

Police and city workers then arrived with nets and tasers and captured the beast. [Japan Probe]

Fast forward the 1:30 mark of the video, and you can see a city worker give the monkey a FULL SEVEN SECONDS of taser. And that’s where the lousy pay and long hours of blogging finally pay off: the sublime delight of writing the words “Japanese monkey taser.” So please, enjoy this with me. We all have a tendency to rush through our lives without appreciating the simple pleasures. Sometimes it’s good to stop and tase the monkeys.

Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right, the speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs.

After conducting an experiment that examined monkeys’ brain waves, scientists have determined that macaque monkeys enjoy watching television. Meanwhile, my cock-monkeys have gone untreated.

The study found that when the monkey was witnessing the acrobatic performances of circus animals on a television screen, the frontal lobe area of its brain became vigorously active…

The study, which was published in Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, the Swiss online scientific journal, reflects the latest parallels between the physiological make-up of monkeys and humans. [Telegraph UK]

It’s only an early study, so there’s no word yet on whether the stupider monkeys who are inclined to date-rape other monkeys enjoy “Entourage,” but I think it’s a solid hypothesis.

TV news today is boring and crappy, while outside is sunny and 70 degrees. And if that doesn’t call for waterskiing monkeys to hurry us toward the end of the work day, then I don’t know what does.

Anyway, this is Momoko and Lilly, two macaque monkeys who can waterski on wakeboards, and before you ask: yes, of course this happens in Japan.  Prepare for additional mind-blowing when the monkeys DRIVE SPEEDBOATS.  And then one drives the speedboat for the other one to waterski!  Holy crap!  Is this world we live in not f-cking amazing?!

I’m sorry, I just get a little excited about monkeys doing cool things.  If you don’t like it you can suck macaque.

[Best Week Ever]