This post was originally going to be about the History Channel paying $3.5 million to advertise their show “Swamp People” during the Super Bowl. As I was reading over the story, however, I came across this paragraph:

“Swamp People” is History’s third most-watched original series, trailing only “Pawn Stars” and “American Pickers.” “Pawn Stars” throughout 2011 averaged 7.02 million L7 viewers, making it the fifth most popular program on basic cable. “Pickers” averaged 5.78 million.

Yeah… none of those shows are about history. Not even a little bit. “Swamp People” is about Cajun dudes catching alligators or something, “Pawn Stars” is just about a fancy pawn shop, and “American Pickers” is about buying and selling antiques. To bastardize a great Mitch Hedberg joke, this would be like if the Food Network started airing a reality show about farmers. It’s ridiculous. Yes, the network’s ratings are up, but I don’t see how they can keep calling themselves “The History Channel” like they’re some beacon for educational programming when their schedule is full of shows like this. I’m on to you, History Channel! YOUR HEAD RESTS UPON A BED OF LIES!

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that the History Channel is far from the only network guilty of this. I’ve compiled a collection of other offenders after the jump.

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Kevin Kirkpatrick, one of Hollywood’s leading prosthetic makeup artist (he did work on The Wolfman, the upcoming Avengers movie, and is responsible for the prosthetic artistry on Lincoln in this summer’s Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter) took the liberty of designing these prosthetic models showing what Beavis and Butthead would look like in real life.

If you ever wonder why Beavis and Butthead can’t get laid, these images should clear any confusion up for you. They look like they were inbred from inbreds.

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In news that feels like it should be bookended by the word “Bro,” MTV is bringing back the Ashton Kutcher produced celebrity prank show, “Punk’d.” “THIS IS GREAT NEWS!” said the marketing director for Von Dutch and literally no one else I can think of.

After months of rumors, MTV is officially reviving the hidden-camera prank classic, ordering a new version of Punk’d to series. Jason Goldberg and Ashton Kutcher are back on board as executive producers. But the show’s host is…

… a different question. MTV plans to announce the show’s host/hosts during its New Years Eve party live telecast next week. Access Hollywood reported months ago that a new show was in the works, using different celebrity hosts for each episode — and noting in the premiere that Justin Bieber is the man in the van. [EW]

Between this news and NBC bringing back “Fear Factor,” it’s beginning to look like 2012 is going to be the second coming of the douche. Seriously, I thought we killed all this crap years ago. Now it looks like we’re only a month or two from someone greenlighting a show called “Bro, U Got Punched Bro” hosted by Fred Durst that airs four hours a week in primetime. This simply will not do.

As I think more about this, though, I realize this news may not be all bad. Don’t get me wrong, there is still is 0% chance I watch an updated version of “Punk’d.” BUT, if it is going to be hosted by Justin Bieber, even in a one-shot guest role, that means there’s at least a chance he tries to Punk Ron Artest and I log into Tumblr one morning to find a GIF of Artest bopping him so hard on the head that he ends up buried in the ground up to his neck like in a cartoon. That would make all this worth it.

MTV recently released a list of celebrities who will be appearing at its annual New Year’s Eve celebration and holy crap I am 1000 years old and should just be cast off on an iceberg to die alone at sea so I no longer burden society.

MTV will ring in the new year with a little help from our friends, including Mac Miller, J. Cole and Jason Derülo. “NYE in NYC 2012″ will air live at 11 p.m. ET on December 31 from Times Square and will also boast performances from Selena Gomez and co-host Demi Lovato.

“Teen Wolf” star Tyler Posey will be on hand to help Lovato count down the minutes to midnight on the show, which will also feature special appearances from Vanessa Marano and Katie Leclerc of “Switched at Birth.” [MTV]

Ok. Outside of Selena Gomez, I have no idea who any of those people are. None. And I only know who she is because she’s dating Justin Bieber (dear God why do I know that?). Tyler Posey could walk right into my living room and say “Hi, I’m Tyler Posey from ‘Teen Wolf,’” and I’d probably spend the next 20 minutes trying to figure which baby he played in the Michael J. Fox movie. Then I’d realize the movie came out in 1985 and that kid was probably born in like 1993 and I’d just die. Right there. I’d age hundreds of years and turn into dust like I drank from the wrong grail, and then I’d blow away when he turned on the blow dryer he probably carries with him to maintain his assuredly infuriating haircut.

Because I have nothing else to add due to my ignorance, here are some titles of songs I imagine will be performed during this special: “Baby, You’re My Baby Girl”; “Bounce (DJ Technoface Remix)”; “5ive Wayz I Luv U (feat. MC Dubstep)”; “Boy You’re My Only Boy (Baby)”; “Do Me At the Mall.”

Ahhhh, nothing makes me feel like intellectual pursuits are a complete waste quite like Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi speaking straight from the heart. This time, the New York Times bestselling author sat down with GQ and shared her views about reading, politics, how she’d change “Jersey Shore,” and absolutely nothing that will make you feel good about the state of the nation. Choice excerpts:

GQ: So, I’ve got to ask: You’ve really never heard of J.K. Rowling or Maya Angelou?
Snooki: I don’t read. I don’t like to read Harry Potter or anything like that. It’s not my style.

GQ: But you’re a New York Times best-selling author!
Snooki: Yeah, doesn’t mean I have to read.

GQ: Fair point. What is your favorite book?
Snooki: Dear John. I read that in a day because it was so amazing. And then I ended up seeing the movie and it was really good. [SERIOUSLY? -Ed.] We were supposed to read in high school but I never did because I just used the CliffsNotes, books were too long.

*rubs temples* I… I don’t even want to process everything I just read there. Let’s just move on to how smart Snooki thinks she is:

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